This is OUR struggle, not just yours or mine...

I know that I've neglected to share a few bits of information over the past few weeks, but in light of recent events, I think I should....I'm surrounded by pregnant women.  Roughly 13 women that I work with are pregnant or just had their babies, our tenant is pregnant, and my 24 year-old (the next one in line after me) cousin is pregnant.  Needless to say I'm not handling this well.

The girls at work are bearable because there are other things to occupy my thoughts while at work and, to be honest, there's only a handful of them that talk about being pregnant NONSTOP!!!  My cousin, on the other hand, has not been an easy one to take.  We get together at my grandparent's house every Sunday after church for a family breakfast.  I'm not too sure why I still refer to it as my grandparents house because they've both passed away and it's just my aunt living there now, but I digress.  

A good portion of my family are redheads.  We're not sure exactly who's side it came from but we've got a bunch of gingers nonetheless.  The cousin in question married a ginger.  Several weeks ago, I walked into my grandfather's house to find my cousin wearing a homemade tee shirt that read "Brewing a red head."  Now, her and her husband are HUGE partiers and thought this was a cute way of announcing that she should be sober for the next nine months.  

Once I realized what the statement on her shirt actually meant, I hugged them and congratulated them and "walked back out to my car because I forgot my phone."  DH followed me out there, we both kinda teared up a bit as we hugged in the driveway, got ourselves together and walked back in.  I had knots in my stomach for the remainder of the day.  I just couldn't bring myself to be happy for her....like really, truly happy.  I still can't. 

I went over to their house with the "congratulations you're pregnant" gift that I give all my friends and explained my reaction to her.  I told her that I don't want her to feel like she can't talk about milestones in front of me and I don't want her to lose anything from this experience because she's trying to protect my feelings.  In all reality, she's pretty selfish and always has been so I'm pretty certain that hurting my feelings wouldn't be at the forefront of her mind anyway, but I wanted to at least explain myself and our situation in case my reaction to any future news about this pregnancy wasn't exactly bubbly.  She understood and even cried a little bit, which I think was more the hormones, to be honest.  

For some reason, seeing her yesterday was really tough for me.  I had logged on to Pinterest on Saturday evening and seen her baby board with all it's little onesies referencing beers or keg-stands or red solo cups.  It made me want to puke.  I opened up to DH after we left about my feelings and it started a bit of a tiff between us.  Too often, I think I'm the only one really hurting through this struggle of infertility.  At the same time, he doesn't really voice his emotions, but struggles with them nonetheless.  While I always stress that it's OUR struggle, not just his, I guess I only focus on my own emotions.  He made a comment yesterday (I can't remember it verbatim) that sounded to me like he thought I was over-reacting about all this since it was HIS problem and not mine.  That I could go out and get pregnant any day and that it was him that would never have kids.  I felt like I got kicked in the gut.  

This lead to a lot of tears and a LONG talk.  I made him understand that when I said "I Do", I meant I do accept him and promise to love him for all that he is and all that he's not.  We became a team that day and whatever happens to one of us happens to both of us.  He made me understand that he hurts too.  He's been struggling with this longer than I have (he was married before me) and he's older than I am so that's making it even harder on him.

I made a promise to him that I would try to realize that this was OUR struggle when dealing with our emotions and he promised to remember that this was OUR struggle when trying to bottle up his feelings.  We've been a team for almost 5 years now and everything we do from then on, we need to remember to do as a team.  Struggle, laugh, cry, rejoice, and praise....we do it all as a team. 

An Award....

An award????  I haven't gotten an award in years!!  A blogger friend who seems to be my infertility twin, Diane at Snowflakes in the Rain nominated me to receive this award.  Since I'm just now getting back into blogging, maybe this will help everyone to get to know me and not just my infertility struggles.  Thanks, Diane!

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers...the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow...

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

11 Things about me:

1) I'm currently in my senior semester of nursing school and when I graduate, I will be the 4th generation of nurses in my family.  I also have about a dozen other family members who are also nurses.  It makes me proud to be part of such an amazing legacy of strong women!

2) I have an arguably unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter.  I've read all the books....dozens of times! I often wonder what I would do with all those magical powers...Does Dumledore have a cure for infertility?

3) I'm constantly plugging away at building my family tree.  I've traced my father's side back to the 1600s in the Alsace region of France.  It's amazing to me to be able to connect with long lost cousins via e-mail and feel like you have a familial connection with someone you've never met.

4) In researching my family tree, I found that there's a town in British Columbia called Chase.  It's named after one of my ancestors.  Chase, BC was named after my great-grandfather's uncle, Whitfield Chase.  Visiting is on my bucket list!

5) I've spoken to John Travolta on the phone!  My father retired from the Baltimore City Fire Department and was shown in the movie, Ladder 49.  While on set one day, he had JT call me and my grandmother!

6) My husband and I call each other "Buddy" and I'm not really sure why.  It really confuses people in the grocery store.

7) My husband proposed to me on the beach of St. Croix, USVI....the island where my grandmother was born.  We go back every year and spend the afternoon with the lady who lives in the house where my great-grandparents lived when she was born. 

8) I have 3 amazing Godsons who I love like my own children.  Watching them grow up has been such a blessing!

9) I'm an only child, but I have some of the best cousins and girlfriends a girl could ask for.  They're like sisters to me!

10) I've walked on a glacier in Alaska and stepped feet from flowing lava in Hawaii.

11) My father is my hero and my mother is my best girl friend.

Diane's questions for me:

1. What is your favorite food?

Maryland Steamed Crabs...I know it sounds weird if you've never had them and if you've never had them, come to Charm City and I'll steam you some!

2. If you could travel anywhere, where would it be?

Ireland, Italy, France, Germany...Europe in general!  I would love to walk streets that had been their for centuries.  American architecture seems so old until you see buildings that are twice the age of structures here.

3. Do you know how to swim?

I can hold my own.  I'm not winning any competitions, but I won't drown.

4. Have you ever seen the ocean?

Two of them!  I can't imagine not living near the ocean.  My parents have a beach house in Ocean City, MD and the in-laws have one in Myrtle Beach, SC.  Salt cures everything-be it sweat, tears or the ocean.

5. What is your least favorite household chore?

Folding laundry!  I'll wash it and put it in the dryer but I hate to fold it!

6. Do you have any pets?

We have two furbaby Chihuahuas, Natty Boh and Colt 45

7. What is your favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving and Christmas...Although I love, love, love the lenten season

8. How many times have you moved?

4 times-Once as an infant, once into my own apartment, back home and then moved in with my hubby the final time

9. Have you ever wanted to change your given name?

I didn't really like my first name when I was growing up but I love it now.  I'm usually the only Paula wherever I go.  My middle name is Chase and I've always loved that!  In fact, it'll be one of our daughters names should we be blessed with them.

10. What month did you get married?

May

11. What kind of wedding did you have?

I guess it was big by some standards and small by others.  We had about 150 friends and family there and got married at a country club where I worked in my first couple years of college.  It rained like crazy that day which moved the ceremony inside, but the clouds cleared and the sun came out as soon as we said I do!

My questions for you:

1. Which family member are you closest to?

2. What's your dream job?  Are you doing it?

3. How did you meet your hubby?

4. What's the best vacation you've ever taken?

5. What's your favorite book?  (I'm asking this for selfish reasons...I need recommendations!)

6. What's your favorite memory from your childhood?

7. Are there any recipes that you specialize in?  (Again, selfish question!)

8. What's your favorite movie of all time?

9. What's the first thing you would buy if you won the mega millions?

10. What are the names of your first born boy and girl?  (or what do you plan to name them)

11. How did your hubby propose?

Since I don't follow too many people on blogger, I'm just going to nominate those that I follow that I don't think have been nominated.

Carli at To Get Me To You

Rachel at Two Slicks

Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled

Chelle at A Family by God's Design

Planning...

So we've obviously taken a pretty significant break from this whole baby making thing.  I started my senior semester of nursing school on Tuesday and my thoughts are already wandering to graduation and our plans to start a family after that.  There's no doubt that this is going to be a big year for us.  I'll graduate in May/June and we plan to start fertility treatments right after that.  I'll start the nursing internship at my hospital in July and, hopefully, we'll sell our house and building our new one will be well under way by the end of this calendar year.

DH and I have talked a lot about where we're going with treatments and how we're going to get there.  After two failed embryo adoptions last year that weren't covered by insurance, we're leaning towards IUI with donor sperm as that is covered by my new insurance company.  It's crazy to think that at the beginning of this journey, donor sperm was far out of the realm of possibility for us.  As it seems that God has closed the door to having a family through embryo adoption, those impossibilities start to seem doable.

I have so many apprehensions about this whole process and so many questions for both the doctor at our clinic and the cryobank where we'll be getting sperm.  Why didn't the FETs with donor embryo work?  We want a large family, but how many times is safe for me to go through all these treatments and medications?  How many children do they allow one sperm donor to father?  How are we going to explain this to our children?

I know I should be focusing on school right now, but I'd like to have a plan in place so that when it's go time...we're ready.  I've started tracking my cycles again and using OPKs so that I have some raw data to take to the doctor.  Since my insurance changed when I changed jobs in January of 2012, I've had to switch some doctors too...including my OB/GYN.  I scheduled an appointment with a practice that delivers at the hospital where I work and also a larger medical center in the area with a NICU.  I also went ahead and scheduled an appointment at our clinic to discuss our options and see if there's any additional testing they want done prior to moving forward.

I've started to peruse donors on the cryobank websites which really isn't all that different from trying to find embryos.  I just still have this feeling of guilt that if we are successful doing IUI with donor sperm, my husband will have mixed emotions.  He says that he won't, but I don't think you can really know something like that.  Nursing school has taught me that he and I can make it through anything so I have faith that we'll pull through this as well.

I have all intentions of keeping up with blogging again, but I guess we'll see how the semester plays out.  I'm sure I'll use my desire to document this journey as an excuse to procrastinate in school.  I swear, if I didn't have an impending deadline, I wouldn't get anything done!