Making a bad situation worse...

Since the doctor who did our ultrasound and gave us the bad news on Tuesday wouldn't be doing our D&C yesterday, I had to meet with that doctor on Thursday.  Without going into detail because I don't really want to remember the way he made me feel, this guy was horrible!  I've never felt so bullied and belittled by a medical "professional" in all my life.  He spoke to me like some stupid child and not a women who was suffering a miscarriage.  I left the office in tears and dreaded having to see this man the next day.  My initial experiences at the hospital were wonderful and the beginning of my  conversation with him was actually ok and I thought maybe he was just having an off day on Thursday and then he started again.  By the time he finally went away and my nurse came in to start my IV I was balling again.  Aside from him being a wretched individual, the whole experience went as well as can be expected.  My nursing staff was wonderful!  The nurse who came in to start my IV and do my pre-op assessment gave me a bracelet with a butterfly on it in honor of our baby and a packet with information on grief counseling that they offer at the hospital.  She dried my tears caused by that nasty doctor and walked me through the process.  My OR nurse and anesthesiologist were wonderful and the nurses and techs in PACU were amazing as well.  It has definitely made me feel more confident in my choice of hospitals to deliver at but I will be researching a new OB practice.  

Yesterday I was pretty crampy and light headed.  Bill took care of me and watched the clock to give me my meds on time and even woke me up at 3am to give me another dose.  The doctor said he expected me to bleed more than others because I hadn't started bleeding on my own prior to the procedure, but it hasn't been anything unbearable at all.  I called and left a message for our nurse at the REs office and asked if I could have my HCG levels monitored through them instead of having to deal with that OB practice again.  Hopefully I'll hear back from her on Monday.  

We had the doctor send tissue samples to the lab in hopes that our RE could garner some information from the results that may help us for next time and the doctor said they could determine the sex of the baby from those samples and if we didn't want to know then we needed to tell our RE.  I'm struggling with this decision because I realize that we'll see this child again someday and I would like him/her to have a name, but I worry that that knowledge might make it more painful.  They said results could take ten days so we have some time to figure it out.  

As for trying again, I've read that there's a fertile window after a miscarriage that lasts only a cycle or two so I think we're going to try again as soon as the RE says it's ok which should be when I get my first period after the D&C.  That's assuming we're emotionally ready which I feel like we will be.  God's grace has lessened the sting of this pain considerably and while it's still there, I don't find myself crying constantly.  With each disappointment we've had along this journey, He has comforted us in a way I never knew possible and for that I am most grateful.  While I still mourn the loss of this child, I know that He has another one waiting for us and we'll meet our angel baby in heaven one day.  These thoughts make this almost bearable.

A different kind of hurt...

We went for our first OB appointment after being released from our RE yesterday.  She did cultures and then a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed my darkest of fears....our baby had died about two weeks prior.  There was no heartbeat and our little one was measuring at 8 weeks and we should have been 10.  I can't explain the ominous feeling I had going into yesterdays appointment and I only ever mentioned it to the Facebook group that was created for women due the same week as me from the What to Expect app. They all told me to think positive and that it was just our history that had me feeling like something was wrong.  Our pastor told us yesterday that that was just the Lord whispering to me to prepare me for what was to come.  I really wish he would have yelled.  I wish I would have started bleeding so I wouldn't have had to come to the realization that I was miscarrying while staring at an ultrasound screen showing my already deceased little one.  I wish I didn't have that doctors voice in my head say "I'm so sorry, but we don't have a heartbeat."  I wish my body could have started this process at home rather than blindsiding me at what was supposed to be a happy appointment.

I'm really struggling to understand why this happened.  Of course, Bill and I are both playing the blame game.  He blames himself for stressing me out and because he needs weekly testosterone injections that I have to give him which are potentially harmful to the baby if I come in contact with the medication.  I blame myself for missing that extra folic acid supplement, for switching to night shift at work and throwing off my sleep pattern, for worrying that something was going to go wrong.  I just naively thought that we were exempt from miscarriage because we had struggled so much to get pregnant.  That the Lord wouldn't add insult to injury and have us go through that.  I'm struggling now to figure out what the lesson is in all of this.  What good is supposed to come of this?  Are we going through this for a purpose?  The only explanation that I can come up with is that this happened to draw us closer to God and to our church.  We've been so caught up with life, school, home buying, etc. that we aren't as involved as we were in the past with church activities and I feel drawn back into it now.  If a closer relationship to our Lord is the silver lining to this cloud than I'm 100% okay with that.  

I've returned all the pregnancy books I borrowed from the library and I'm packing all the maternity clothes I bought at Goodwill away today.  I haven't decided what to do with the memories of this baby.  The journal and pregnancy calendar I started, the onesies that the grandparents bought, the keepsakes that we've picked up over the past few weeks, the ultrasound pictures of our little angel.  Do I box them up and save them?  Will it ever stop hurting enough to look at them again?  Will I ever want to?  Or do I just toss them all in the trash and try to move past this?  I am comforted in knowing that I will someday meet this little one in heaven but that comfort isn't enough to keep the tears away today.

Our D&C is scheduled for Friday morning and the doctor who will be doing it wants to see me in the office tomorrow afternoon.  I already spoke to our RE's nurse who said that after the procedure they will monitor my HCG levels until they're back to zero and then we can try again with my next cycle.  Will I be ready to?  Will this hurt go away?  And if we are blessed enough to get pregnant again, when will it be okay to get excited?  When does the worry of miscarriage stop?  I'm so afraid of missing out on enjoying the early weeks and the joy of being pregnant because I'm terrified of loss.  

I'm told that this pain will lessen with time and that when we're finally holding our rainbow baby, the pain will be bearable.  I find hope and comfort in that thought and will continue to take it one day at a time until then.  

Ultrasound #2 8 weeks 3 days...

The Little Minion is growing fast and furious!!  Heart rate today was 171 and doctor said we're measuring right on target for a EDD of 4/27/14!  We've officially "graduated" to our OB and will have our first prenatal appointment on October 1st including another ultrasound!  We're gonna have an album full of this child before he/she even makes their appearance!  I'm still in absolute awe and wonder of this little miracle and can't wait to spend the next 7 months becoming better acquainted!  God is so very good!!

Most beautiful blob in the world...

...Officially introducing our "Little Minion"!!  This is the first picture of our little miracle at  6 weeks 2 days.  I told Bill it looks like I swallowed an engagement ring!  We got to see the heartbeat but our doctor said that doppler is a higher frequency wave than ultrasound and the jury is still out on the effects on baby of those higher waves.  They measured the little flicker at 106 beats per minute which he was happy with.  Honestly, we could have stayed there and watched that screen all day.  It was, by far, the most amazing thing I have ever seen.  Doctor wants us back in two weeks for another ultrasound and then he'll release us to our OB!!  Next picture update will be on September 18th! 

I just can't wrap my head around how great God is!

Beta #3...

...1760!!  We're tripling in 48 hours!  I had to do this blood draw at work since I worked 6:30am-7:00pm and couldn't get to the RE's office.  I went down to medical records and got a copy so I actually knew before my RE did!  They called when they got the results and schedule our first ultrasound for September 3rd at 8:00am.  

I'm five weeks and 3 days today and aside form sore breasts off and on and waves of nausea, I don't really have any symptoms.  I did start having some cramping & pressure over the past few days, but the What to Expect book says that's okay as long as there's no bleeding.  

We're still cautiously optimistic and praying that God sustains this pregnancy and our little bit grows strong and healthy for the next 8 months!  I'll feel infinitely better after the ultrasound...only 1 more week!

Beta #2....

....Drumroll, please.....528!!!  That's more than double my 177 from Monday!  It looks like Little Bit is sticking around!  I'll repeat blood work on Friday and after they get those results we'll schedule the first ultrasound.  I just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!  God is so very good!!!

Beta Today...

...and I've been up since 4:00!  I know I didn't update after our IUI #2, but my summer classes were ridiculously time consuming!!  I just wrapped them up last week and have a week to relax before fall semester starts.  

IUI #2 went off without a hitch.  It ended up falling on a Sunday so we had to go to our RE's office in Rockville, MD which was a bit farther away than our usual Annapolis location, but Bill and I enjoyed the ride together and since it fell on a Sunday, he got to be there too!  Post wash count was 14 million which was double the last time if my memory serves me correctly.  

As far as symptoms go these past few weeks, the only thing that was new and unusual was back pain.  I really never get back pain during that time of the month and I thought that was weird.  I started testing on Friday morning...when I didn't see the line showing up right away, I tossed it in the trash.  When I woke up an hour later I swore I saw a line.  Tested again Saturday morning-definitely a line and a little darker.  Sunday morning- darker line that came up quicker!  Sunday evening- even darker and quicker!  I bought two First Response tests because the other ones were dollar tree cheapies and low and behold we got a super dark, super quick second line with that one!!  

We went for blood work at 7:15 and then to the gym.  We met my parents at Bob Evans for breakfast after the gym and decided to tell them.  My mom was waiting to go to the beach until she heard results and we knew it would be positive we just weren't sure how positive so we went ahead and told them.  They were thrilled and cried, of course!  Next stop was to drop flowers off to MIL with a card that read "I love you, Grandmom!  Love, Baby Buddy" (Bill and I call each other Buddy so this nickname seemed appropriate).  She squealed and cried so I'm sure the whole bank branch she works at knows.  Then we were off to my FIL's shop.  We had bought a little camo onesie and I asked him if he could have it embroidered with the shop logo and "Grandad's Little Buddy".  He just stared at me for a minute and said "That's a good thing, right??  That's good????"  

Our REs office called around 12:00 with results and said our BETA was 177 at 15 dpiui!!  They said they wanted it between 75 and 100 so they were very happy with 177!!  We have blood work again on Wednesday and Friday to make sure the numbers are rising and first ultrasound will be scheduled after we get those results.  

I really don't think it's sunk in yet.  I've been getting faint positives for 4 days and all I can do is pray that this little baby keeps growing strong.  I know it's still super, super early but I can't help but be optimistic this time!  God is soooooo good!!!