We have a dot....

After I had the pains last week, they did an ultrasound and sent me home with no pictures and orders to come back on Friday for another scan.  I was 5 weeks 5 days when this was taken and the doctor said I was measuring right on track although no heartbeat was visible yet.  He assured me not to worry because everything looks good.  Easier said than done!  We have another appointment tomorrow morning to check for a heartbeat and we'll be 6 weeks 5 days so we're keep our fingers crossed.  This is going to be such a nerve-wracking couple months but I know this is in the Lords hands and we continue to pray for this little one daily.  Hope to update with good news tomorrow!

BETA update...

I've been scarce, I know, but I'm wrapping up my fall semester and got back on night shifts so my days have been full of sleep!  

I went on Wednesday for BETA #2 and our results sent me in a panic....274.4.  That was only a 66% increase in 48 hours.  I was worried but our nurse said that was the low end of the normal range that they wanted to see.  We said some prayers and had another draw on Friday that came back at 617.8.  That's more than double in 48 hours so we breathed a little tiny sigh of relief.  Our nurse said they wanted me back today for another draw to make sure it was above 1000 and we went in this morning.

I had started having some right sided pain on Saturday and, of course, my mind immediately jumps to ectopic.  After my blood draw I told the nurse about it and they did a quick ultrasound.  There was a little black dot right in my uterus where they want it so the doctor gave us an early congratulations.  

The nurse called later this afternoon with my BETA numbers...1540 which she was happy with.  I had originally had my first ultrasound scheduled for Monday which would have been 6 weeks 1 day, but she wanted to move it up to Friday to check for a heartbeat because I had the pain.  I'm not really sure the logic behind that but maybe it's just to put my mind at ease.

I still worry and I know I shouldn't.  I don't think I'll actually calm down until I can feel him/her move or at least pick up a heart beat on my home doppler.  I know I'll breathe a little easier after Fridays ultrasound but this process never gets easier after a loss.  

We appreciate all the prayers and kind words of encouragement and I'm finding it so exciting that almost all the blogs I follow are celebrating BFPs as well!  

We're in constant prayer that this little one holds on for the long haul, but we are so grateful to have made it this far!

It's really happening...again...

With previous attempts at getting pregnant I always say, I'm not going to test.  And then I always do.  I chose not to lie to myself this time and planned to start testing on Thanksgiving at 11dpIUI.  I caved and tested on Wednesday night and got a super faint positive.  Well....that positive has gotten darker over the last few days and our greatest hopes were confirmed with a BETA today of 166 at 15dpIUI!!!  We are over the moon excited but trying to remain cautiously optimistic because the pain of our loss is fresh in our minds and hearts.  

Bill didn't even want to tell our parents until 12 weeks but mine already knew we had gone for another IUI, his didn't.  I've convinced him to tell them and the pastors and deacons at our church and wait to reveal to the rest of the world until after the first trimester.  I had to tell my boss, but only because as a nurse there are certain patients I should avoid caring for if I'm pregnant and the charge nurses will need to make assignments accordingly.  While it was kind of a burden telling everyone about our loss last time, I can't say that it really added to our pain.  I'm sure it would have hurt just as bad if we had to suffer through it alone.  If he decides that he's comfortable with letting the cat out of the bag sooner then I'm okay with it.  I figure the more people we allow to share in our joy the better and I don't want to be any less joyful for this baby than we were for Grace.  Besides, each person who is praising God for our joy will be there to pray for us in our sorrow should the Lord decide that this isn't our take home baby.  

While I knew in my head and my heart that He could make this happen for us, I'm still in awe that He did.  I'm so grateful for this gift and hope that I get to hold this little angel in August of 2014!!

IUI #3...

We got the pathology results back from our miscarriage last month and were told our little girl had Turner's Syndrome.  Our RE explained that this is the most common explanation for first trimester loss and there is no reason to think that it would happen again.  It was just a coincidence.  Having that knowledge made it clear to us that the Lord was saving us in a way.  I don't mean to sound harsh with that statement, but it's almost as if He wanted to spare us from a lifetime of raising a child that could have health problems with the potential to cause us more pain.  It was His grace that spared us from that pain even if it meant experiencing the pain of loss that we felt at 10 weeks.  Because we could see His grace throughout this whole process, we decided to name our baby Grace Elizabeth.  We wanted to be able to call her by name when we see her in heaven someday.

My cycle started almost 4 weeks to the day from the date of our first D&C and our RE said we were cleared to move forward.  My schedule has been Monday through Friday since I started the RN residency program at the hospital but my clinical educators and my boss were very accommodating in allowing me time off if needed.  We buried my great uncle at Arlington on Tuesday and since I got off work that day for the funeral, I was able to swing by Fairfax and pick up the tank and drop it off at the REs office on the way home.  

I went in for monitoring yesterday and they said I have a 10.5mm lining and a 25mm follicle on the right.  The nurse called yesterday afternoon and said estrogen was 300 and LH was 26.  I'm only recording these numbers here so I have some basis for comparison in the future because I don't think I've ever been told these results.  Anyway, after the doctor review my results they wanted to see me today instead of tomorrow.  I triggered last night and we went for our IUI at 2:30 today.  All went well and our post wash count was 11 million.  It only takes one, right?  

We go for blood work on December 2nd and I'm hoping to stay busy with the residency program until then.  I'm not even going to pretend that I won't cave and test early this time.  I know I'll do it so I make no promises.  

I started the St. Gerard novena last night and we prayed to him on the way down to the REs office.  I even said some Hail Marys as I was lying on the table.  I've gotten to the point with prayers that I'm just saying "Lord, you know what's in my heart."  It's almost like I can't put into words what I want to say, but I know I don't have to.  He knows and that's all that matters.  

D&C round 2...

Monday brought some cramping that, to be honest, I just thought was gas, although I wasn't passing any gas.  It got worse Tuesday and Wednesday.  I came home from work, sat down for about an hour to work on some homework and when I stood up to get ready for Bible study I felt myself passing some clots.  I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes and they just kept coming....like 10 of them!  I thought they had stopped and we headed down to church.  I was sitting in Bible study for about an hour and when I stood up, I could feel the clots coming again.  I passed another dozen or so in the bathroom at church and then we headed home.  It was a 10 minute drive to our house and by the time I stood up to get out of the car they were coming again.  I took a shower, passed a few while I was in there and then the bright red bleeding started.  Throughout all this clot passing and bleeding, I was cramping so severely I was doubled over in pain.  I got out of the shower and paged the on call for my OB and waited for his call.  

A Dr. Solomon called back and I explained our situation.  His concern was retained tissue and the risk of infection so he wanted me to come into the ER to be checked out.  We arrived at the hospital around 10:30 that night and were taken back right away.  They started an IV, took some blood for a blood typing and CBC and started some IV fluids.  They sent me for an ultrasound which showed that my uterus was clear but there was something in my cervix.  Dr. Solomon couldn't tell from ultrasound if it was retained tissue or a clot.  He did a pelvic exam and said that my uterus was still measuring about 10 weeks and he was concerned that it hadn't started to go back down to pre-pregnancy size.  The pelvic exam caused a lot of pain which also caused him some concern.  He said that if my pelvic exam had been benign and my hematocrit hadn't dropped since last week, he would have given me the Cytotec and sent me home to pass the clot/tissue at home, but given the circumstances he recommended another D&C to ensure that we got all the tissue and reduce the risk of infection.  

We were taken back to the OR at around 4:00am on Thursday.  Everything went well and he said that it was, in fact, some retained tissue so it's a good thing we went ahead with the D&C.  He sent me home on Methergine so that my uterus would contract back down to size and an antibiotic just to be safe.  I have had very minimal bleeding in contrast to last weeks procedure which makes me feel better that everything is healing well.  I have had some cramping from the methergine, but I took my last dose of that today so that should ease up.  All and all, I feel confident that calling the on call and getting checked out was the right thing to do.

Bill was unbelievably supportive as always and has taken such good care of me.  I think it's tough for him to see me hurting and he feels so helpless.  Hopefully this is over and we can start to heal and think about moving forward.  Silver lining...I get to follow up with Dr. Solomon in two weeks rather than see that awful doctor next week.  Our REs office said that we can have my blood levels monitored through their office and I'll do my first one next week.  My levels were in the 150s at the hospital yesterday which I hope means that we will back to zero by the time my next cycle starts.  

I pray that we're following the path that the Lord has laid out for us and if that, at any point, we stray from that path, He will make that known and lead us appropriately.  This journey has been far from easy but we have faith in Him and His plan and know that He will provide in His time.  

Making a bad situation worse...

Since the doctor who did our ultrasound and gave us the bad news on Tuesday wouldn't be doing our D&C yesterday, I had to meet with that doctor on Thursday.  Without going into detail because I don't really want to remember the way he made me feel, this guy was horrible!  I've never felt so bullied and belittled by a medical "professional" in all my life.  He spoke to me like some stupid child and not a women who was suffering a miscarriage.  I left the office in tears and dreaded having to see this man the next day.  My initial experiences at the hospital were wonderful and the beginning of my  conversation with him was actually ok and I thought maybe he was just having an off day on Thursday and then he started again.  By the time he finally went away and my nurse came in to start my IV I was balling again.  Aside from him being a wretched individual, the whole experience went as well as can be expected.  My nursing staff was wonderful!  The nurse who came in to start my IV and do my pre-op assessment gave me a bracelet with a butterfly on it in honor of our baby and a packet with information on grief counseling that they offer at the hospital.  She dried my tears caused by that nasty doctor and walked me through the process.  My OR nurse and anesthesiologist were wonderful and the nurses and techs in PACU were amazing as well.  It has definitely made me feel more confident in my choice of hospitals to deliver at but I will be researching a new OB practice.  

Yesterday I was pretty crampy and light headed.  Bill took care of me and watched the clock to give me my meds on time and even woke me up at 3am to give me another dose.  The doctor said he expected me to bleed more than others because I hadn't started bleeding on my own prior to the procedure, but it hasn't been anything unbearable at all.  I called and left a message for our nurse at the REs office and asked if I could have my HCG levels monitored through them instead of having to deal with that OB practice again.  Hopefully I'll hear back from her on Monday.  

We had the doctor send tissue samples to the lab in hopes that our RE could garner some information from the results that may help us for next time and the doctor said they could determine the sex of the baby from those samples and if we didn't want to know then we needed to tell our RE.  I'm struggling with this decision because I realize that we'll see this child again someday and I would like him/her to have a name, but I worry that that knowledge might make it more painful.  They said results could take ten days so we have some time to figure it out.  

As for trying again, I've read that there's a fertile window after a miscarriage that lasts only a cycle or two so I think we're going to try again as soon as the RE says it's ok which should be when I get my first period after the D&C.  That's assuming we're emotionally ready which I feel like we will be.  God's grace has lessened the sting of this pain considerably and while it's still there, I don't find myself crying constantly.  With each disappointment we've had along this journey, He has comforted us in a way I never knew possible and for that I am most grateful.  While I still mourn the loss of this child, I know that He has another one waiting for us and we'll meet our angel baby in heaven one day.  These thoughts make this almost bearable.

A different kind of hurt...

We went for our first OB appointment after being released from our RE yesterday.  She did cultures and then a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed my darkest of fears....our baby had died about two weeks prior.  There was no heartbeat and our little one was measuring at 8 weeks and we should have been 10.  I can't explain the ominous feeling I had going into yesterdays appointment and I only ever mentioned it to the Facebook group that was created for women due the same week as me from the What to Expect app. They all told me to think positive and that it was just our history that had me feeling like something was wrong.  Our pastor told us yesterday that that was just the Lord whispering to me to prepare me for what was to come.  I really wish he would have yelled.  I wish I would have started bleeding so I wouldn't have had to come to the realization that I was miscarrying while staring at an ultrasound screen showing my already deceased little one.  I wish I didn't have that doctors voice in my head say "I'm so sorry, but we don't have a heartbeat."  I wish my body could have started this process at home rather than blindsiding me at what was supposed to be a happy appointment.

I'm really struggling to understand why this happened.  Of course, Bill and I are both playing the blame game.  He blames himself for stressing me out and because he needs weekly testosterone injections that I have to give him which are potentially harmful to the baby if I come in contact with the medication.  I blame myself for missing that extra folic acid supplement, for switching to night shift at work and throwing off my sleep pattern, for worrying that something was going to go wrong.  I just naively thought that we were exempt from miscarriage because we had struggled so much to get pregnant.  That the Lord wouldn't add insult to injury and have us go through that.  I'm struggling now to figure out what the lesson is in all of this.  What good is supposed to come of this?  Are we going through this for a purpose?  The only explanation that I can come up with is that this happened to draw us closer to God and to our church.  We've been so caught up with life, school, home buying, etc. that we aren't as involved as we were in the past with church activities and I feel drawn back into it now.  If a closer relationship to our Lord is the silver lining to this cloud than I'm 100% okay with that.  

I've returned all the pregnancy books I borrowed from the library and I'm packing all the maternity clothes I bought at Goodwill away today.  I haven't decided what to do with the memories of this baby.  The journal and pregnancy calendar I started, the onesies that the grandparents bought, the keepsakes that we've picked up over the past few weeks, the ultrasound pictures of our little angel.  Do I box them up and save them?  Will it ever stop hurting enough to look at them again?  Will I ever want to?  Or do I just toss them all in the trash and try to move past this?  I am comforted in knowing that I will someday meet this little one in heaven but that comfort isn't enough to keep the tears away today.

Our D&C is scheduled for Friday morning and the doctor who will be doing it wants to see me in the office tomorrow afternoon.  I already spoke to our RE's nurse who said that after the procedure they will monitor my HCG levels until they're back to zero and then we can try again with my next cycle.  Will I be ready to?  Will this hurt go away?  And if we are blessed enough to get pregnant again, when will it be okay to get excited?  When does the worry of miscarriage stop?  I'm so afraid of missing out on enjoying the early weeks and the joy of being pregnant because I'm terrified of loss.  

I'm told that this pain will lessen with time and that when we're finally holding our rainbow baby, the pain will be bearable.  I find hope and comfort in that thought and will continue to take it one day at a time until then.