"I will praise You in this storm...

...and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.  You NEVER left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."  ~Casting Crowns

The doctors office called last night with my BETA results....negative.  The nurse said something about calling on the first day of my next cycle and something else about scheduling a follow up with the doctor, but it's like she was talking through mud after I heard the word negative.  Deep down inside I knew it and I kinda started the mourning process on Wednesday night, although at that point I just thought it was all these hormones getting the best of me.  DH was at a men's ministry meeting at church when they called because we thought we wouldn't hear from them last night since earlier in the evening it had seemed that Labcorp hadn't sent the results.  I called and asked him to come home through sobs.  Then I called my mom (who drove right over) and his mom to let them know.

I was kind of numb last night.  We cried until we didn't have any tears left and then we kinda just sat there and stared at the clock.  I made it to work this morning, by the grace of God.  It wasn't until I got there that I realized that I had forgotten to wash my face in the shower and I had to check and make sure I put deodorant on.  I was in zombie mode this morning.  My boss can be a little unstable at times, to say the least and I wasn't sure how she would be this morning, but she offered to let me go home as soon as she got in and I explained the situation to her.  I told her that I didn't have a problem with working today, but asked if I could be relieved of working with patients and do some clerical duties since tears were coming about every 5 minutes or so.  She was very accommodating and I put in my 8 hours without having to use any leave time.

On the way home the tears were still coming in spurts, but the doctors scheduler had called this morning and asked me to call her back to schedule the follow up.  When I did she was at lunch so I asked if my wonderful nurse was there because I had a few questions.  DH and I had talked last night about when to try again.  Our logic was that right now, all my pre-transfer testing is current and I have some left over meds that aren't expired.  If we wait, I'll have to have all those tests done again (and pay for them again) and order all those meds again (and pay for them again).  We figured as long as we're both ready, we should just give it another shot ASAP.

Our nurse said that's fine and she's proud of us for not giving up.  She said they'll start me on BCP on day 2 of my next cycle and we'll go from there.  She sent me 3 profiles that they had available, only one of which was in the batch from last time.  I kinda feel bad for those little guys...they keep getting skipped over.  There's one I like right off the bat, but DH isn't home yet to get his opinion.  The only catch is that our doctor has to approve us to try again.  With their embryos in such high demand and such short supply their policy is to just give you one try, but the doctor can decide otherwise if she thinks the second time will be successful.  I scheduled our follow up with her on Thursday to discuss our options for moving forward. 

I guess if the dear Lord shuts the door on this one, we'll have some waiting and praying to do to figure out what to do next, but it's important to me that we don't give up.  I need to be working towards a goal in this infertility journey.  The 18 months that we were waiting and praying for guidance were the worst for me and that's when I get depressed.  I need a plan.  Even if it's a long term plan, I still need to have one.  Until then, I will continue to praise Him in this storm.  Everyone keeps telling me that feeling anger towards God is normal.  I don't mean to sound boastful or anything, but I've never once, throughout this whole journey felt anger towards Him.  I know this is part of a plan and I don't know the details of that plan.  I'm just going to take this day by day and follow where the Lord leads me.  Faith is taking that first step, when you can't see the staircase.