Update on the little one...

It is amazing how quickly time can slip away from you!  I just thought about my blogger friends and how I haven't checked in on them in forever and realized that I haven't updated my own blog in just as long!  I'd like to say I have some exciting excuse, but I really don't.

We are now currently 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant and my mind eases about this pregnancy a little more each time I hear that sweet baby's heart beat on our doppler.  Life has really sped by these past few months and I find myself trying to remember to slow down and enjoy this time.  The first trimester proved difficult for enjoyment.  Although I never actually vomited, I felt like I had a hangover for about 3 months and found it difficult to stomach some of the smells that I encounter at work on a daily basis.  All I really wanted to do was eat frozen things (popsicles, italian ice, snowballs, etc.) and watch Harry Potter movies all the time.  This, however, was not happening!  I'm taking a chemistry class and a math class in preparation for the next level of my nursing education and they've kept me pretty busy. 

We announced to the remainder of the family and to the world via Facebook at around 13 weeks and everyone was over the moon excited!  The reactions of our friends and family just prove how very blessed this baby is already. 

We've been seeing our OB for our monthly appointments, but that will probably be changing.  I had expressed concern in a previous blog about one doctor in the practice and I absolutely dread having him show up the day of delivery.  I made an appointment with a midwife practice that delivers on the campus of the hospital where we were planning to deliver.  We will see them on the 31st of March to discuss our options for switching our care to them for the remainder of pregnancy and delivery.  The doctor I'm not fond of at our OB office was attempting to push his agenda on me when we suffered our loss in October and I just don't want to be bullied into something the day of delivery with his fear mongering.  I'd like to try and deliver this baby naturally, but I like the proximity of the birth center to the hospital in case the need for a NICU or OR should arise.  

I still haven't felt the baby move yet...at least I don't think I have.   There have been some little feelings in that general vicinity that I hesitate to call movements or flutters because I really can't pinpoint them.  I'm a little thicker around the midsection and I hear that comes into play when determining fetal movement.  I long for that day when I can feel him/her moving and know throughout the day that this is real.  I cherish those few moments each day when I check the heart beat on the doppler because it's at those times that I know for certain there is a life inside me....a very active and seemingly athletic little life, but one that I can't feel just yet.  

We completed our registry already and my aunt has already begun shopping online for this little one.  We get several Baby Gap or Old Navy outfits weekly and she's determined to make this one well dressed little person!  

We have plans to get our anatomy scan done at 20 weeks and have the gender sealed up in an envelope for our moms to open.  They can then plan the shower accordingly and we will have a gender reveal at the shower.  It means we'll be purchasing some clothes and things in specific colors but that's fine with us.  We want to be surprised but prepared if that makes any sense.  And the suspense is already killing everyone around us that I'm half tempted to not find out the gender at all!  

To the upper left of the baby, DH swears he can see his face!  

This is the 13 week ultrasound photo that we used for our announcement.  The announcement itself had a little more to it but I can't seem to find the digital copy of it on my computer.  Did I mention we're packing to move...Lord knows where my flash drive is!  

I will make every effort to update on this little one a little more frequently as I hope to one day share this blog with him or her.  By the way.....we're leaning towards boy!

We have a dot....

After I had the pains last week, they did an ultrasound and sent me home with no pictures and orders to come back on Friday for another scan.  I was 5 weeks 5 days when this was taken and the doctor said I was measuring right on track although no heartbeat was visible yet.  He assured me not to worry because everything looks good.  Easier said than done!  We have another appointment tomorrow morning to check for a heartbeat and we'll be 6 weeks 5 days so we're keep our fingers crossed.  This is going to be such a nerve-wracking couple months but I know this is in the Lords hands and we continue to pray for this little one daily.  Hope to update with good news tomorrow!

BETA update...

I've been scarce, I know, but I'm wrapping up my fall semester and got back on night shifts so my days have been full of sleep!  

I went on Wednesday for BETA #2 and our results sent me in a panic....274.4.  That was only a 66% increase in 48 hours.  I was worried but our nurse said that was the low end of the normal range that they wanted to see.  We said some prayers and had another draw on Friday that came back at 617.8.  That's more than double in 48 hours so we breathed a little tiny sigh of relief.  Our nurse said they wanted me back today for another draw to make sure it was above 1000 and we went in this morning.

I had started having some right sided pain on Saturday and, of course, my mind immediately jumps to ectopic.  After my blood draw I told the nurse about it and they did a quick ultrasound.  There was a little black dot right in my uterus where they want it so the doctor gave us an early congratulations.  

The nurse called later this afternoon with my BETA numbers...1540 which she was happy with.  I had originally had my first ultrasound scheduled for Monday which would have been 6 weeks 1 day, but she wanted to move it up to Friday to check for a heartbeat because I had the pain.  I'm not really sure the logic behind that but maybe it's just to put my mind at ease.

I still worry and I know I shouldn't.  I don't think I'll actually calm down until I can feel him/her move or at least pick up a heart beat on my home doppler.  I know I'll breathe a little easier after Fridays ultrasound but this process never gets easier after a loss.  

We appreciate all the prayers and kind words of encouragement and I'm finding it so exciting that almost all the blogs I follow are celebrating BFPs as well!  

We're in constant prayer that this little one holds on for the long haul, but we are so grateful to have made it this far!

It's really happening...again...

With previous attempts at getting pregnant I always say, I'm not going to test.  And then I always do.  I chose not to lie to myself this time and planned to start testing on Thanksgiving at 11dpIUI.  I caved and tested on Wednesday night and got a super faint positive.  Well....that positive has gotten darker over the last few days and our greatest hopes were confirmed with a BETA today of 166 at 15dpIUI!!!  We are over the moon excited but trying to remain cautiously optimistic because the pain of our loss is fresh in our minds and hearts.  

Bill didn't even want to tell our parents until 12 weeks but mine already knew we had gone for another IUI, his didn't.  I've convinced him to tell them and the pastors and deacons at our church and wait to reveal to the rest of the world until after the first trimester.  I had to tell my boss, but only because as a nurse there are certain patients I should avoid caring for if I'm pregnant and the charge nurses will need to make assignments accordingly.  While it was kind of a burden telling everyone about our loss last time, I can't say that it really added to our pain.  I'm sure it would have hurt just as bad if we had to suffer through it alone.  If he decides that he's comfortable with letting the cat out of the bag sooner then I'm okay with it.  I figure the more people we allow to share in our joy the better and I don't want to be any less joyful for this baby than we were for Grace.  Besides, each person who is praising God for our joy will be there to pray for us in our sorrow should the Lord decide that this isn't our take home baby.  

While I knew in my head and my heart that He could make this happen for us, I'm still in awe that He did.  I'm so grateful for this gift and hope that I get to hold this little angel in August of 2014!!

IUI #3...

We got the pathology results back from our miscarriage last month and were told our little girl had Turner's Syndrome.  Our RE explained that this is the most common explanation for first trimester loss and there is no reason to think that it would happen again.  It was just a coincidence.  Having that knowledge made it clear to us that the Lord was saving us in a way.  I don't mean to sound harsh with that statement, but it's almost as if He wanted to spare us from a lifetime of raising a child that could have health problems with the potential to cause us more pain.  It was His grace that spared us from that pain even if it meant experiencing the pain of loss that we felt at 10 weeks.  Because we could see His grace throughout this whole process, we decided to name our baby Grace Elizabeth.  We wanted to be able to call her by name when we see her in heaven someday.

My cycle started almost 4 weeks to the day from the date of our first D&C and our RE said we were cleared to move forward.  My schedule has been Monday through Friday since I started the RN residency program at the hospital but my clinical educators and my boss were very accommodating in allowing me time off if needed.  We buried my great uncle at Arlington on Tuesday and since I got off work that day for the funeral, I was able to swing by Fairfax and pick up the tank and drop it off at the REs office on the way home.  

I went in for monitoring yesterday and they said I have a 10.5mm lining and a 25mm follicle on the right.  The nurse called yesterday afternoon and said estrogen was 300 and LH was 26.  I'm only recording these numbers here so I have some basis for comparison in the future because I don't think I've ever been told these results.  Anyway, after the doctor review my results they wanted to see me today instead of tomorrow.  I triggered last night and we went for our IUI at 2:30 today.  All went well and our post wash count was 11 million.  It only takes one, right?  

We go for blood work on December 2nd and I'm hoping to stay busy with the residency program until then.  I'm not even going to pretend that I won't cave and test early this time.  I know I'll do it so I make no promises.  

I started the St. Gerard novena last night and we prayed to him on the way down to the REs office.  I even said some Hail Marys as I was lying on the table.  I've gotten to the point with prayers that I'm just saying "Lord, you know what's in my heart."  It's almost like I can't put into words what I want to say, but I know I don't have to.  He knows and that's all that matters.  

D&C round 2...

Monday brought some cramping that, to be honest, I just thought was gas, although I wasn't passing any gas.  It got worse Tuesday and Wednesday.  I came home from work, sat down for about an hour to work on some homework and when I stood up to get ready for Bible study I felt myself passing some clots.  I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes and they just kept coming....like 10 of them!  I thought they had stopped and we headed down to church.  I was sitting in Bible study for about an hour and when I stood up, I could feel the clots coming again.  I passed another dozen or so in the bathroom at church and then we headed home.  It was a 10 minute drive to our house and by the time I stood up to get out of the car they were coming again.  I took a shower, passed a few while I was in there and then the bright red bleeding started.  Throughout all this clot passing and bleeding, I was cramping so severely I was doubled over in pain.  I got out of the shower and paged the on call for my OB and waited for his call.  

A Dr. Solomon called back and I explained our situation.  His concern was retained tissue and the risk of infection so he wanted me to come into the ER to be checked out.  We arrived at the hospital around 10:30 that night and were taken back right away.  They started an IV, took some blood for a blood typing and CBC and started some IV fluids.  They sent me for an ultrasound which showed that my uterus was clear but there was something in my cervix.  Dr. Solomon couldn't tell from ultrasound if it was retained tissue or a clot.  He did a pelvic exam and said that my uterus was still measuring about 10 weeks and he was concerned that it hadn't started to go back down to pre-pregnancy size.  The pelvic exam caused a lot of pain which also caused him some concern.  He said that if my pelvic exam had been benign and my hematocrit hadn't dropped since last week, he would have given me the Cytotec and sent me home to pass the clot/tissue at home, but given the circumstances he recommended another D&C to ensure that we got all the tissue and reduce the risk of infection.  

We were taken back to the OR at around 4:00am on Thursday.  Everything went well and he said that it was, in fact, some retained tissue so it's a good thing we went ahead with the D&C.  He sent me home on Methergine so that my uterus would contract back down to size and an antibiotic just to be safe.  I have had very minimal bleeding in contrast to last weeks procedure which makes me feel better that everything is healing well.  I have had some cramping from the methergine, but I took my last dose of that today so that should ease up.  All and all, I feel confident that calling the on call and getting checked out was the right thing to do.

Bill was unbelievably supportive as always and has taken such good care of me.  I think it's tough for him to see me hurting and he feels so helpless.  Hopefully this is over and we can start to heal and think about moving forward.  Silver lining...I get to follow up with Dr. Solomon in two weeks rather than see that awful doctor next week.  Our REs office said that we can have my blood levels monitored through their office and I'll do my first one next week.  My levels were in the 150s at the hospital yesterday which I hope means that we will back to zero by the time my next cycle starts.  

I pray that we're following the path that the Lord has laid out for us and if that, at any point, we stray from that path, He will make that known and lead us appropriately.  This journey has been far from easy but we have faith in Him and His plan and know that He will provide in His time.  

Making a bad situation worse...

Since the doctor who did our ultrasound and gave us the bad news on Tuesday wouldn't be doing our D&C yesterday, I had to meet with that doctor on Thursday.  Without going into detail because I don't really want to remember the way he made me feel, this guy was horrible!  I've never felt so bullied and belittled by a medical "professional" in all my life.  He spoke to me like some stupid child and not a women who was suffering a miscarriage.  I left the office in tears and dreaded having to see this man the next day.  My initial experiences at the hospital were wonderful and the beginning of my  conversation with him was actually ok and I thought maybe he was just having an off day on Thursday and then he started again.  By the time he finally went away and my nurse came in to start my IV I was balling again.  Aside from him being a wretched individual, the whole experience went as well as can be expected.  My nursing staff was wonderful!  The nurse who came in to start my IV and do my pre-op assessment gave me a bracelet with a butterfly on it in honor of our baby and a packet with information on grief counseling that they offer at the hospital.  She dried my tears caused by that nasty doctor and walked me through the process.  My OR nurse and anesthesiologist were wonderful and the nurses and techs in PACU were amazing as well.  It has definitely made me feel more confident in my choice of hospitals to deliver at but I will be researching a new OB practice.  

Yesterday I was pretty crampy and light headed.  Bill took care of me and watched the clock to give me my meds on time and even woke me up at 3am to give me another dose.  The doctor said he expected me to bleed more than others because I hadn't started bleeding on my own prior to the procedure, but it hasn't been anything unbearable at all.  I called and left a message for our nurse at the REs office and asked if I could have my HCG levels monitored through them instead of having to deal with that OB practice again.  Hopefully I'll hear back from her on Monday.  

We had the doctor send tissue samples to the lab in hopes that our RE could garner some information from the results that may help us for next time and the doctor said they could determine the sex of the baby from those samples and if we didn't want to know then we needed to tell our RE.  I'm struggling with this decision because I realize that we'll see this child again someday and I would like him/her to have a name, but I worry that that knowledge might make it more painful.  They said results could take ten days so we have some time to figure it out.  

As for trying again, I've read that there's a fertile window after a miscarriage that lasts only a cycle or two so I think we're going to try again as soon as the RE says it's ok which should be when I get my first period after the D&C.  That's assuming we're emotionally ready which I feel like we will be.  God's grace has lessened the sting of this pain considerably and while it's still there, I don't find myself crying constantly.  With each disappointment we've had along this journey, He has comforted us in a way I never knew possible and for that I am most grateful.  While I still mourn the loss of this child, I know that He has another one waiting for us and we'll meet our angel baby in heaven one day.  These thoughts make this almost bearable.

A different kind of hurt...

We went for our first OB appointment after being released from our RE yesterday.  She did cultures and then a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed my darkest of fears....our baby had died about two weeks prior.  There was no heartbeat and our little one was measuring at 8 weeks and we should have been 10.  I can't explain the ominous feeling I had going into yesterdays appointment and I only ever mentioned it to the Facebook group that was created for women due the same week as me from the What to Expect app. They all told me to think positive and that it was just our history that had me feeling like something was wrong.  Our pastor told us yesterday that that was just the Lord whispering to me to prepare me for what was to come.  I really wish he would have yelled.  I wish I would have started bleeding so I wouldn't have had to come to the realization that I was miscarrying while staring at an ultrasound screen showing my already deceased little one.  I wish I didn't have that doctors voice in my head say "I'm so sorry, but we don't have a heartbeat."  I wish my body could have started this process at home rather than blindsiding me at what was supposed to be a happy appointment.

I'm really struggling to understand why this happened.  Of course, Bill and I are both playing the blame game.  He blames himself for stressing me out and because he needs weekly testosterone injections that I have to give him which are potentially harmful to the baby if I come in contact with the medication.  I blame myself for missing that extra folic acid supplement, for switching to night shift at work and throwing off my sleep pattern, for worrying that something was going to go wrong.  I just naively thought that we were exempt from miscarriage because we had struggled so much to get pregnant.  That the Lord wouldn't add insult to injury and have us go through that.  I'm struggling now to figure out what the lesson is in all of this.  What good is supposed to come of this?  Are we going through this for a purpose?  The only explanation that I can come up with is that this happened to draw us closer to God and to our church.  We've been so caught up with life, school, home buying, etc. that we aren't as involved as we were in the past with church activities and I feel drawn back into it now.  If a closer relationship to our Lord is the silver lining to this cloud than I'm 100% okay with that.  

I've returned all the pregnancy books I borrowed from the library and I'm packing all the maternity clothes I bought at Goodwill away today.  I haven't decided what to do with the memories of this baby.  The journal and pregnancy calendar I started, the onesies that the grandparents bought, the keepsakes that we've picked up over the past few weeks, the ultrasound pictures of our little angel.  Do I box them up and save them?  Will it ever stop hurting enough to look at them again?  Will I ever want to?  Or do I just toss them all in the trash and try to move past this?  I am comforted in knowing that I will someday meet this little one in heaven but that comfort isn't enough to keep the tears away today.

Our D&C is scheduled for Friday morning and the doctor who will be doing it wants to see me in the office tomorrow afternoon.  I already spoke to our RE's nurse who said that after the procedure they will monitor my HCG levels until they're back to zero and then we can try again with my next cycle.  Will I be ready to?  Will this hurt go away?  And if we are blessed enough to get pregnant again, when will it be okay to get excited?  When does the worry of miscarriage stop?  I'm so afraid of missing out on enjoying the early weeks and the joy of being pregnant because I'm terrified of loss.  

I'm told that this pain will lessen with time and that when we're finally holding our rainbow baby, the pain will be bearable.  I find hope and comfort in that thought and will continue to take it one day at a time until then.  

Ultrasound #2 8 weeks 3 days...

The Little Minion is growing fast and furious!!  Heart rate today was 171 and doctor said we're measuring right on target for a EDD of 4/27/14!  We've officially "graduated" to our OB and will have our first prenatal appointment on October 1st including another ultrasound!  We're gonna have an album full of this child before he/she even makes their appearance!  I'm still in absolute awe and wonder of this little miracle and can't wait to spend the next 7 months becoming better acquainted!  God is so very good!!

Most beautiful blob in the world...

...Officially introducing our "Little Minion"!!  This is the first picture of our little miracle at  6 weeks 2 days.  I told Bill it looks like I swallowed an engagement ring!  We got to see the heartbeat but our doctor said that doppler is a higher frequency wave than ultrasound and the jury is still out on the effects on baby of those higher waves.  They measured the little flicker at 106 beats per minute which he was happy with.  Honestly, we could have stayed there and watched that screen all day.  It was, by far, the most amazing thing I have ever seen.  Doctor wants us back in two weeks for another ultrasound and then he'll release us to our OB!!  Next picture update will be on September 18th! 

I just can't wrap my head around how great God is!

Beta #3...

...1760!!  We're tripling in 48 hours!  I had to do this blood draw at work since I worked 6:30am-7:00pm and couldn't get to the RE's office.  I went down to medical records and got a copy so I actually knew before my RE did!  They called when they got the results and schedule our first ultrasound for September 3rd at 8:00am.  

I'm five weeks and 3 days today and aside form sore breasts off and on and waves of nausea, I don't really have any symptoms.  I did start having some cramping & pressure over the past few days, but the What to Expect book says that's okay as long as there's no bleeding.  

We're still cautiously optimistic and praying that God sustains this pregnancy and our little bit grows strong and healthy for the next 8 months!  I'll feel infinitely better after the ultrasound...only 1 more week!

Beta #2....

....Drumroll, please.....528!!!  That's more than double my 177 from Monday!  It looks like Little Bit is sticking around!  I'll repeat blood work on Friday and after they get those results we'll schedule the first ultrasound.  I just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!  God is so very good!!!

Beta Today...

...and I've been up since 4:00!  I know I didn't update after our IUI #2, but my summer classes were ridiculously time consuming!!  I just wrapped them up last week and have a week to relax before fall semester starts.  

IUI #2 went off without a hitch.  It ended up falling on a Sunday so we had to go to our RE's office in Rockville, MD which was a bit farther away than our usual Annapolis location, but Bill and I enjoyed the ride together and since it fell on a Sunday, he got to be there too!  Post wash count was 14 million which was double the last time if my memory serves me correctly.  

As far as symptoms go these past few weeks, the only thing that was new and unusual was back pain.  I really never get back pain during that time of the month and I thought that was weird.  I started testing on Friday morning...when I didn't see the line showing up right away, I tossed it in the trash.  When I woke up an hour later I swore I saw a line.  Tested again Saturday morning-definitely a line and a little darker.  Sunday morning- darker line that came up quicker!  Sunday evening- even darker and quicker!  I bought two First Response tests because the other ones were dollar tree cheapies and low and behold we got a super dark, super quick second line with that one!!  

We went for blood work at 7:15 and then to the gym.  We met my parents at Bob Evans for breakfast after the gym and decided to tell them.  My mom was waiting to go to the beach until she heard results and we knew it would be positive we just weren't sure how positive so we went ahead and told them.  They were thrilled and cried, of course!  Next stop was to drop flowers off to MIL with a card that read "I love you, Grandmom!  Love, Baby Buddy" (Bill and I call each other Buddy so this nickname seemed appropriate).  She squealed and cried so I'm sure the whole bank branch she works at knows.  Then we were off to my FIL's shop.  We had bought a little camo onesie and I asked him if he could have it embroidered with the shop logo and "Grandad's Little Buddy".  He just stared at me for a minute and said "That's a good thing, right??  That's good????"  

Our REs office called around 12:00 with results and said our BETA was 177 at 15 dpiui!!  They said they wanted it between 75 and 100 so they were very happy with 177!!  We have blood work again on Wednesday and Friday to make sure the numbers are rising and first ultrasound will be scheduled after we get those results.  

I really don't think it's sunk in yet.  I've been getting faint positives for 4 days and all I can do is pray that this little baby keeps growing strong.  I know it's still super, super early but I can't help but be optimistic this time!  God is soooooo good!!!

IUI #2...

...Well, yesterday was day 1 and I contacted my nurse to get this ball rolling again.  She's having me come in for monitoring on August 3rd and, hopefully, do the IUI the following day.

I think Bill is really excited again.  When he noticed that my cycle had started he made sure to remind me to e-mail the doctors office and let them know so we can get the IUI scheduled.  My cousin just had her baby a few weeks ago and I think it got his paternal clock ticking even louder.  I just turned 31 yesterday and he'll be 38 in two weeks so we really do need to get busy, so to speak.  

On an unrelated note, I passed my nursing boards and am now, officially, a registered nurse!  I'm hoping that now that the stress of nursing school and boards is over, we'll be successful with this next cycle.  I'm hopeful that this will be our time, but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic.  

Back again....

...in that place where it seems like this will never happen for us.  I had my beta this morning and although I haven't gotten the results, I'm 99% sure it's negative.  I started cramping on Monday, caved in and tested Monday evening and Tuesday morning (both negative) and my temp dropped this morning.  My RN said they would call before 1:00 this afternoon.  

The worst part of this is that for those first 1.5 - 2 years that we were trying, I was convinced it was me.  Then we found out that our problems lies on his end.  Now with two failed FETs and one failed IUI, it's me again.  My body is the one that isn't working.  I wonder if it would be better to know that it never would than to keep hoping that our outcome would change?  

Nursing school pinning is this evening and I'm going to try and focus on the success of that rather than the failure of this.  I just wish I new The Plan...

What a day...

...Most exciting news of today...I PASSED MY FINAL!!!  I've officially passed nursing school!!  The sense of relief that I feel right now is indescribable!!

In baby news...I had my IUI this morning and compared to my previous FETs this was a walk in the park.  Our post wash count was 7 million which the doctor said was good.  I've read mixed opinions about that on different websites, but if the doctor said it's good then that's what I'm going to go with.  Bill wasn't able to go with me today (one of the set backs of being a small business owner), but Mom went with me and I think it meant a lot to her to be there.  We were in and out in 20 minutes and the painless procedure only took 5 minutes.  I think that trigger shot is causing a lot of twinges, cramps and overall weirdness in my uterine region so it'll be hard to decipher those from pregnancy symptoms if this ends up being successful.

I've decided to completely turn this over to God.  I realize that I would have to test everyday to see when the trigger was out of my system and then wait for a "real" positive.  All of that is a lot of headache that I don't want to put myself through.  If this is meant to be, it will be and if not we'll regroup and move on.  I go for my beta on the 29th which is the day of my nursing school pinning so, hopefully that will be another great day to remember!

So tomorrow it is...

...Busy, busy, busy day today!!  I had my appointment this morning for blood work and ultrasound at 7:00, then on to school for my grand rounds presentation, then to pick up Dad, then to Fairfax to pick up what Bill has been referring to as "his little sailors" (get it, semen...seamen...sailors...), then to drop them off in Annapolis, then home to study for my final!

The alarm went off at 4:40 for me to take my temperature and it was still at baseline so no ovulation yet.  I took an OPK this morning that came up positive so I had an LH surge.  The ultrasound showed one "beautiful" 21mm follicle on my right ovary.  My nurse had me set up my appointment for Wednesday, but called after the blood work came back to tell me to move it up to Tuesday.  I did my trigger shot at 8:15 and I'm hitting the hay early.  So tomorrow it is!!  I haven't even bought any tests yet because I think I'm going to turn this one over to God in every sense of the words.  Part of me wants to prepare myself for a negative, but the other part of me just wants to have faith in Him and trust His plan.  Who knows if I'll cave next week, but for now that's where I am with it.  Leaving it all in His hands!

We just saved a ton of money...

...I got an email yesterday from our cryobank saying that they now offer local pick up.  We purchased sperm from Cryogenic Laboratories, Inc, which is based out of Minnesota, but they were bought by Fairfax Cryobank which is only about an hour away.  I called CLI yesterday to ask if there was any way to ship our entire storage supply to Fairfax so we could have it available for local pick up.  The wonderful customer service representative that I dealt with said that she was pretty sure they could but she would double check and call me back today to confirm.  She called and said that not only would they be able to do it, but they would do it for free!!  So all 12 vials of our sperm are en route to Fairfax for storage.  This saves us about $190 in shipping costs per cycle!

I have my blood work and ultrasound on Monday, my final presentation at school, and then I'm going to pick my daddy up and we're going to ride down there and "pick up the grandkids" as he says.  We'll drop them off at the doctors office on the way home and we'll be all set for Tuesday morning if they trigger me Monday night.  I know it's probably weird that I'm taking my dad to pick up sperm, but my parents have been so insanely supportive through all this and I like to make them a part of the process when I can.  Bill will take me down for the actual IUI so I figured it'd be nice to have dad help run this little errand.

We're getting so close and I'm really, really trying not to get my hopes.  It's not working out well!

Moving right along...

I just got home from my final day of clinical for nursing school!!  I take my final on Tuesday and then I'm officially finished!!...this degree anyway!  ;)  I can't tell you what a huge weight that will be off my shoulders when I'm finally done and can start my career!  

In baby-making news, I ovulated late last month which kinda messed up my plans for moving forward with my June cycle so we decided to go for it in May...AAAHHH!!!  May...Like next week May!!  My RE usually has patients come in on day 12 for US and blood work, but I explained to my nurse that I'd been temping and OPKing and I'm usually ovulating around day 16-19.  She said she'll bring me in on day 14 (Monday) and check things out and we'll go from there.  I'm off all next week with plans of going to the beach Thursday through Sunday so it's looking to be a busy week! 

On the home front, we've started to pack up the house to move.  Bill's grandfather passed away suddenly in April and his parents have no intentions of selling his house.  They've offered to let us live there while we sell ours and begin building our new dream home.  This is such an extraordinarily generous offer and while it'll be a little inconvenient for a while, it will save us THOUSANDS in the long run.  We've started working with a builder and are putting our feelers out for a lender who can do a construction-mortgage loan.  

All that being said, these next few weeks/months are going to be busy, busy, busy!!  Graduating from nursing school, moving forward with IUI plans, starting the residency at my hospital, and hopefully, breaking ground on our forever home!!  Oh, and did I mention that I signed up for summer classes for my bachelor's program??  I've redefined crazy!

It's real now...

I just got off  the phone with the sperm bank and we now have 12 vials in storage.  I feel like I'm going to puke.  It's actually happening.  For some reason, this choice was much harder than choosing embryos and I'm not quite sure why.  I really struggled with the anonymity of our donor, but he was just so perfect in every other aspect and I kept coming back to him so I'm hoping that was divine intervention.  

I went to the RE yesterday for day 3 blood work and ultrasound and they also drew my genetic testing labs and sent them off.  The tech who did my ultrasound said that my ovaries are "beautiful".  I can't tell you how many compliments I've gotten on my reproductive organs and I'm always at a loss for words and end up saying "um, thanks?".  I really need to come up with a witty retort seeing as how I, apparently, have some exceptional baby-making parts!  

I got a call yesterday afternoon that all my hormone levels were good and they said I could call by the end of the week to find out about the other results.  The genetic testing is run by a company called Counsyl and I won't have results from that for about two weeks.  I spoke to the nurse yesterday and she said there wasn't anything stopping me from ordering the sperm now so I went ahead and called.  They offered a "CLI Club" which cost $195, but gave us $100 off of our order and 2 free vials.  They also offer a buy back program so if we don't need all the vials that we've purchased, we can sell them back to the sperm bank at 50% of the purchase price.  All in all, I'm excited.  Extremely nervous, but excited.