Well, we're all set for June 18th! We've chosen our embryos and I started the Lupron on Tuesday. There was a bit of a scare with the Lupron due to the national shortage of the drug, but I found a "compounded" Lupron available at a pharmacy in Arizona. Only problem was that insurance didn't cover it. Thank God it was only $125 out of pocket!
We got my post transfer blood work back (the stuff that was supposed to help the doctor figure out why our last FET didn't work) and my anti-phosphatidylethanolamine levels were elevated which I was told could lead to some blood clotting issues that could potentially starve the baby in the womb. The treatment for that is subcutaneous Lovenox every day. Woohoo!!! Another shot!!!
They also found a mutation on my MTHFR gene (C677t) which affects how my body metabolizes certain nutrients and requires me to be on a higher dosage of folic acid and my B vitamins in order to ensure that the baby would be getting all that it needs for neural tube development. I'm not gonna lie, when I first got the e-mail explaining all of this I was a little worried, but our nurse quickly settled me down.
So we're moving right along with our protocol and we're heading to VA after work on June 14th. Our catheter fitting is scheduled for June 15th and rather than drive up and back like we did the last time, we're just going to stay in the hotel and relax for a few days until the transfer on the 18th.
On a non-baby related topic, I got in to nursing school!!! I go for orientation on June 13th and I'll register for my classes then. It's an online/hybrid program so I'll only have to go to clinicals/simulated labs on Mondays and then a lecture on Wednesday or Tuesday evenings. My boss was supposed to start scheduling me for four, ten hour shifts a few months ago, but she drags her feet about everything so that hasn't happened yet. I'm hoping she gets moving on that because I really don't feel like trying to find another job within the university during all of this.
After the last FET didn't work I had started praying that if this wasn't the way that we were supposed to build our family, that God let us know before we went through the next transfer. Not because I don't think that we're strong enough to handle the disappointment, but because it's a rather expensive disappointment and while my parents are footing the bill again, we'd rather not have them shell out more money for an unsuccessful procedure. I prayed for a sign that this wasn't the right route for us and to lead us towards the right path. I'm struggling with the thought that my acceptance into nursing school or the abnormal blood work was His way of steering us in another direction. I due tend to work better under pressure and the timing of everything with the pregnancy would work out OK with my school semester so I think we're just going to continue to pray about it as we move forward. I just don't want to be deaf to His calling, but I know His plan is already laid out for us. He's put such an easy way over each of these hurdles that I'm hoping this is just his way of showing us that we can do it all!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
On the road again...
These past few days have really shown me what a merciful and awesome God I serve!!! As I said in my last post, Friday was tough, but after I talked to our nurse and got a tentative plan in place, I felt a lot better. I had been praying for God's will to be done in this situation and if His will and mine weren't the same, I had prayed for peace & strength to make it through. I didn't expect that peace to come so quickly!
I spoke to our pastor on Friday night and explained everything to him and my thinking about God's plan in all this. He prayed with me and asked how I was feeling about Mother's day. I told him I wasn't sure if he'd see me at church because they were doing baby dedications and I didn't know if I could handle that. He told me they were only doing one at the 11:00 service and it was a family that I love anyway. He encouraged me to give it a shot and come anyway and if I had to step out during the dedication I could. I told him I'd do my best.
I spent Saturday pampering myself...gave myself a manicure, pedicure and facial and held a Harry Potter marathon. Hubby came home from work and we watched a movie together and got to bed early. Not a tear was shed!
I made it to church Sunday morning for an awesome worship service by our praise team and a great message by our pastor. Again, not a tear was shed!!
I heard from my nurse today who said that we were cleared by our doctor to move ahead with another cycle!!! She said the doctor just wanted me to have some labs drawn to make sure my body wasn't making antibodies that were preventing implantation. I'll go have those drawn today and will start BCP on day 2 of my next cycle!!! I checked the 2011 transfer schedule that they had sent me prior to our first FET and saw dates in the end of June and July. I was assuming that we wouldn't have everything done in time for the June dates, but our nurse seems to think we'll be ok!! Tentative FET #2 date is June 16th!!!
Not only did He bring me peace so quickly and the strength to make it through, but He was merciful enough to make the initial BETA negative. I'm not sure that peace would have come so quickly if we had gotten a positive and then found out later that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I'm going to continue to let Him guide my steps through all this and pray that these are our babies!!!
I spoke to our pastor on Friday night and explained everything to him and my thinking about God's plan in all this. He prayed with me and asked how I was feeling about Mother's day. I told him I wasn't sure if he'd see me at church because they were doing baby dedications and I didn't know if I could handle that. He told me they were only doing one at the 11:00 service and it was a family that I love anyway. He encouraged me to give it a shot and come anyway and if I had to step out during the dedication I could. I told him I'd do my best.
I spent Saturday pampering myself...gave myself a manicure, pedicure and facial and held a Harry Potter marathon. Hubby came home from work and we watched a movie together and got to bed early. Not a tear was shed!
I made it to church Sunday morning for an awesome worship service by our praise team and a great message by our pastor. Again, not a tear was shed!!
I heard from my nurse today who said that we were cleared by our doctor to move ahead with another cycle!!! She said the doctor just wanted me to have some labs drawn to make sure my body wasn't making antibodies that were preventing implantation. I'll go have those drawn today and will start BCP on day 2 of my next cycle!!! I checked the 2011 transfer schedule that they had sent me prior to our first FET and saw dates in the end of June and July. I was assuming that we wouldn't have everything done in time for the June dates, but our nurse seems to think we'll be ok!! Tentative FET #2 date is June 16th!!!
Not only did He bring me peace so quickly and the strength to make it through, but He was merciful enough to make the initial BETA negative. I'm not sure that peace would have come so quickly if we had gotten a positive and then found out later that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I'm going to continue to let Him guide my steps through all this and pray that these are our babies!!!
Friday, May 6, 2011
"I will praise You in this storm...
...and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You NEVER left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." ~Casting Crowns
The doctors office called last night with my BETA results....negative. The nurse said something about calling on the first day of my next cycle and something else about scheduling a follow up with the doctor, but it's like she was talking through mud after I heard the word negative. Deep down inside I knew it and I kinda started the mourning process on Wednesday night, although at that point I just thought it was all these hormones getting the best of me. DH was at a men's ministry meeting at church when they called because we thought we wouldn't hear from them last night since earlier in the evening it had seemed that Labcorp hadn't sent the results. I called and asked him to come home through sobs. Then I called my mom (who drove right over) and his mom to let them know.
I was kind of numb last night. We cried until we didn't have any tears left and then we kinda just sat there and stared at the clock. I made it to work this morning, by the grace of God. It wasn't until I got there that I realized that I had forgotten to wash my face in the shower and I had to check and make sure I put deodorant on. I was in zombie mode this morning. My boss can be a little unstable at times, to say the least and I wasn't sure how she would be this morning, but she offered to let me go home as soon as she got in and I explained the situation to her. I told her that I didn't have a problem with working today, but asked if I could be relieved of working with patients and do some clerical duties since tears were coming about every 5 minutes or so. She was very accommodating and I put in my 8 hours without having to use any leave time.
On the way home the tears were still coming in spurts, but the doctors scheduler had called this morning and asked me to call her back to schedule the follow up. When I did she was at lunch so I asked if my wonderful nurse was there because I had a few questions. DH and I had talked last night about when to try again. Our logic was that right now, all my pre-transfer testing is current and I have some left over meds that aren't expired. If we wait, I'll have to have all those tests done again (and pay for them again) and order all those meds again (and pay for them again). We figured as long as we're both ready, we should just give it another shot ASAP.
Our nurse said that's fine and she's proud of us for not giving up. She said they'll start me on BCP on day 2 of my next cycle and we'll go from there. She sent me 3 profiles that they had available, only one of which was in the batch from last time. I kinda feel bad for those little guys...they keep getting skipped over. There's one I like right off the bat, but DH isn't home yet to get his opinion. The only catch is that our doctor has to approve us to try again. With their embryos in such high demand and such short supply their policy is to just give you one try, but the doctor can decide otherwise if she thinks the second time will be successful. I scheduled our follow up with her on Thursday to discuss our options for moving forward.
I guess if the dear Lord shuts the door on this one, we'll have some waiting and praying to do to figure out what to do next, but it's important to me that we don't give up. I need to be working towards a goal in this infertility journey. The 18 months that we were waiting and praying for guidance were the worst for me and that's when I get depressed. I need a plan. Even if it's a long term plan, I still need to have one. Until then, I will continue to praise Him in this storm. Everyone keeps telling me that feeling anger towards God is normal. I don't mean to sound boastful or anything, but I've never once, throughout this whole journey felt anger towards Him. I know this is part of a plan and I don't know the details of that plan. I'm just going to take this day by day and follow where the Lord leads me. Faith is taking that first step, when you can't see the staircase.
The doctors office called last night with my BETA results....negative. The nurse said something about calling on the first day of my next cycle and something else about scheduling a follow up with the doctor, but it's like she was talking through mud after I heard the word negative. Deep down inside I knew it and I kinda started the mourning process on Wednesday night, although at that point I just thought it was all these hormones getting the best of me. DH was at a men's ministry meeting at church when they called because we thought we wouldn't hear from them last night since earlier in the evening it had seemed that Labcorp hadn't sent the results. I called and asked him to come home through sobs. Then I called my mom (who drove right over) and his mom to let them know.
I was kind of numb last night. We cried until we didn't have any tears left and then we kinda just sat there and stared at the clock. I made it to work this morning, by the grace of God. It wasn't until I got there that I realized that I had forgotten to wash my face in the shower and I had to check and make sure I put deodorant on. I was in zombie mode this morning. My boss can be a little unstable at times, to say the least and I wasn't sure how she would be this morning, but she offered to let me go home as soon as she got in and I explained the situation to her. I told her that I didn't have a problem with working today, but asked if I could be relieved of working with patients and do some clerical duties since tears were coming about every 5 minutes or so. She was very accommodating and I put in my 8 hours without having to use any leave time.
On the way home the tears were still coming in spurts, but the doctors scheduler had called this morning and asked me to call her back to schedule the follow up. When I did she was at lunch so I asked if my wonderful nurse was there because I had a few questions. DH and I had talked last night about when to try again. Our logic was that right now, all my pre-transfer testing is current and I have some left over meds that aren't expired. If we wait, I'll have to have all those tests done again (and pay for them again) and order all those meds again (and pay for them again). We figured as long as we're both ready, we should just give it another shot ASAP.
Our nurse said that's fine and she's proud of us for not giving up. She said they'll start me on BCP on day 2 of my next cycle and we'll go from there. She sent me 3 profiles that they had available, only one of which was in the batch from last time. I kinda feel bad for those little guys...they keep getting skipped over. There's one I like right off the bat, but DH isn't home yet to get his opinion. The only catch is that our doctor has to approve us to try again. With their embryos in such high demand and such short supply their policy is to just give you one try, but the doctor can decide otherwise if she thinks the second time will be successful. I scheduled our follow up with her on Thursday to discuss our options for moving forward.
I guess if the dear Lord shuts the door on this one, we'll have some waiting and praying to do to figure out what to do next, but it's important to me that we don't give up. I need to be working towards a goal in this infertility journey. The 18 months that we were waiting and praying for guidance were the worst for me and that's when I get depressed. I need a plan. Even if it's a long term plan, I still need to have one. Until then, I will continue to praise Him in this storm. Everyone keeps telling me that feeling anger towards God is normal. I don't mean to sound boastful or anything, but I've never once, throughout this whole journey felt anger towards Him. I know this is part of a plan and I don't know the details of that plan. I'm just going to take this day by day and follow where the Lord leads me. Faith is taking that first step, when you can't see the staircase.
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