I am such a horrible blogger!!! I haven't updated in FOREVER!!!
Well, the transfer went well. After researching some hotel rates, we found that it would probably be cheaper to make two trips to VA, one for the catheter fitting and one for the actual transfer. We spent the better part of the week in the car...or so it seems.
There were six embryos in the profile and prior to the freeze the best two were graded A- and B+. When we got to the clinic on the 18th we found out that they had to thaw all six in order to find us two viable ones. Of the two that survived, one was a 6 cell grade B at thaw and 5 cell grade B at transfer and the other was a 7 cell grade B at thaw and had made it to an 8 cell grade B by transfer. The embryologist said we have nothing to worry about with either one.
While I like the idea that we are the only other family that will raise children with this genetic make up aside from the donor parents, I can't help but feel sadness that had they all survived the thaw, two other couples could benefit from our donors sacrifice.
The transfer went smoothly and Bill says he actually saw the embryos come out of the catheter on the ultrasound screen this time. He swears he didn't see it last time! I asked for a screen shot of the ultrasound image and they gave it to us. No embryo pictures until a pregnancy is achieved.
Speaking of pregnancy, I go for my BETA on Friday and I had E2 blood work drawn last Tuesday that the doctor said looked good. I had some left over tests from earlypregnancytests.com and have been testing every morning for the past few days. No good news yet, but I'm still hopeful. The tests that I had at home were expired and from what I'm reading online there are some more sensitive ones out there so I'm going to stop at CVS on the way home and pick some up. While I hate the way I feel when I see a negative test, I think testing before the BETA prepared me for the phone call from the clinic with the negative results last time. This time around I'm getting my blood drawn at work so I can check my results before I leave here and not have to wait for the call.
On another, completely unrelated topic, I'm officially registered for the fall semester nursing program!! I'll have clinicals and simulated labs all day on Mondays and a seminar on Wednesday evenings. The rest of my content is online! I'm so excited to get started and hope that if things on the baby making front don't go as I'd hoped, school will keep me busy and keep my mind occupied while we come up with another plan.
As for another plan...we really don't have one yet. If this doesn't work, it would be foolish to start another cycle of EA knowing that I'm starting school in the fall. On top of that, Mom and Dad have been covering the bulk of our expenses surround the transfer and I don't want them to feel as though they have to continue doing that. They have been so incredibly supportive through all this and while I know they want a grandchild as badly as we want a child, I don't want them to use up any more of their hard earned money on something that may not be in the Lord's time.
Bottom line is, we have a whole lot of praying to do in the months ahead and I'm just hoping that we're receptive to God's plan in the months to come.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Round 2...
Well, we're all set for June 18th! We've chosen our embryos and I started the Lupron on Tuesday. There was a bit of a scare with the Lupron due to the national shortage of the drug, but I found a "compounded" Lupron available at a pharmacy in Arizona. Only problem was that insurance didn't cover it. Thank God it was only $125 out of pocket!
We got my post transfer blood work back (the stuff that was supposed to help the doctor figure out why our last FET didn't work) and my anti-phosphatidylethanolamine levels were elevated which I was told could lead to some blood clotting issues that could potentially starve the baby in the womb. The treatment for that is subcutaneous Lovenox every day. Woohoo!!! Another shot!!!
They also found a mutation on my MTHFR gene (C677t) which affects how my body metabolizes certain nutrients and requires me to be on a higher dosage of folic acid and my B vitamins in order to ensure that the baby would be getting all that it needs for neural tube development. I'm not gonna lie, when I first got the e-mail explaining all of this I was a little worried, but our nurse quickly settled me down.
So we're moving right along with our protocol and we're heading to VA after work on June 14th. Our catheter fitting is scheduled for June 15th and rather than drive up and back like we did the last time, we're just going to stay in the hotel and relax for a few days until the transfer on the 18th.
On a non-baby related topic, I got in to nursing school!!! I go for orientation on June 13th and I'll register for my classes then. It's an online/hybrid program so I'll only have to go to clinicals/simulated labs on Mondays and then a lecture on Wednesday or Tuesday evenings. My boss was supposed to start scheduling me for four, ten hour shifts a few months ago, but she drags her feet about everything so that hasn't happened yet. I'm hoping she gets moving on that because I really don't feel like trying to find another job within the university during all of this.
After the last FET didn't work I had started praying that if this wasn't the way that we were supposed to build our family, that God let us know before we went through the next transfer. Not because I don't think that we're strong enough to handle the disappointment, but because it's a rather expensive disappointment and while my parents are footing the bill again, we'd rather not have them shell out more money for an unsuccessful procedure. I prayed for a sign that this wasn't the right route for us and to lead us towards the right path. I'm struggling with the thought that my acceptance into nursing school or the abnormal blood work was His way of steering us in another direction. I due tend to work better under pressure and the timing of everything with the pregnancy would work out OK with my school semester so I think we're just going to continue to pray about it as we move forward. I just don't want to be deaf to His calling, but I know His plan is already laid out for us. He's put such an easy way over each of these hurdles that I'm hoping this is just his way of showing us that we can do it all!
We got my post transfer blood work back (the stuff that was supposed to help the doctor figure out why our last FET didn't work) and my anti-phosphatidylethanolamine levels were elevated which I was told could lead to some blood clotting issues that could potentially starve the baby in the womb. The treatment for that is subcutaneous Lovenox every day. Woohoo!!! Another shot!!!
They also found a mutation on my MTHFR gene (C677t) which affects how my body metabolizes certain nutrients and requires me to be on a higher dosage of folic acid and my B vitamins in order to ensure that the baby would be getting all that it needs for neural tube development. I'm not gonna lie, when I first got the e-mail explaining all of this I was a little worried, but our nurse quickly settled me down.
So we're moving right along with our protocol and we're heading to VA after work on June 14th. Our catheter fitting is scheduled for June 15th and rather than drive up and back like we did the last time, we're just going to stay in the hotel and relax for a few days until the transfer on the 18th.
On a non-baby related topic, I got in to nursing school!!! I go for orientation on June 13th and I'll register for my classes then. It's an online/hybrid program so I'll only have to go to clinicals/simulated labs on Mondays and then a lecture on Wednesday or Tuesday evenings. My boss was supposed to start scheduling me for four, ten hour shifts a few months ago, but she drags her feet about everything so that hasn't happened yet. I'm hoping she gets moving on that because I really don't feel like trying to find another job within the university during all of this.
After the last FET didn't work I had started praying that if this wasn't the way that we were supposed to build our family, that God let us know before we went through the next transfer. Not because I don't think that we're strong enough to handle the disappointment, but because it's a rather expensive disappointment and while my parents are footing the bill again, we'd rather not have them shell out more money for an unsuccessful procedure. I prayed for a sign that this wasn't the right route for us and to lead us towards the right path. I'm struggling with the thought that my acceptance into nursing school or the abnormal blood work was His way of steering us in another direction. I due tend to work better under pressure and the timing of everything with the pregnancy would work out OK with my school semester so I think we're just going to continue to pray about it as we move forward. I just don't want to be deaf to His calling, but I know His plan is already laid out for us. He's put such an easy way over each of these hurdles that I'm hoping this is just his way of showing us that we can do it all!
Monday, May 9, 2011
On the road again...
These past few days have really shown me what a merciful and awesome God I serve!!! As I said in my last post, Friday was tough, but after I talked to our nurse and got a tentative plan in place, I felt a lot better. I had been praying for God's will to be done in this situation and if His will and mine weren't the same, I had prayed for peace & strength to make it through. I didn't expect that peace to come so quickly!
I spoke to our pastor on Friday night and explained everything to him and my thinking about God's plan in all this. He prayed with me and asked how I was feeling about Mother's day. I told him I wasn't sure if he'd see me at church because they were doing baby dedications and I didn't know if I could handle that. He told me they were only doing one at the 11:00 service and it was a family that I love anyway. He encouraged me to give it a shot and come anyway and if I had to step out during the dedication I could. I told him I'd do my best.
I spent Saturday pampering myself...gave myself a manicure, pedicure and facial and held a Harry Potter marathon. Hubby came home from work and we watched a movie together and got to bed early. Not a tear was shed!
I made it to church Sunday morning for an awesome worship service by our praise team and a great message by our pastor. Again, not a tear was shed!!
I heard from my nurse today who said that we were cleared by our doctor to move ahead with another cycle!!! She said the doctor just wanted me to have some labs drawn to make sure my body wasn't making antibodies that were preventing implantation. I'll go have those drawn today and will start BCP on day 2 of my next cycle!!! I checked the 2011 transfer schedule that they had sent me prior to our first FET and saw dates in the end of June and July. I was assuming that we wouldn't have everything done in time for the June dates, but our nurse seems to think we'll be ok!! Tentative FET #2 date is June 16th!!!
Not only did He bring me peace so quickly and the strength to make it through, but He was merciful enough to make the initial BETA negative. I'm not sure that peace would have come so quickly if we had gotten a positive and then found out later that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I'm going to continue to let Him guide my steps through all this and pray that these are our babies!!!
I spoke to our pastor on Friday night and explained everything to him and my thinking about God's plan in all this. He prayed with me and asked how I was feeling about Mother's day. I told him I wasn't sure if he'd see me at church because they were doing baby dedications and I didn't know if I could handle that. He told me they were only doing one at the 11:00 service and it was a family that I love anyway. He encouraged me to give it a shot and come anyway and if I had to step out during the dedication I could. I told him I'd do my best.
I spent Saturday pampering myself...gave myself a manicure, pedicure and facial and held a Harry Potter marathon. Hubby came home from work and we watched a movie together and got to bed early. Not a tear was shed!
I made it to church Sunday morning for an awesome worship service by our praise team and a great message by our pastor. Again, not a tear was shed!!
I heard from my nurse today who said that we were cleared by our doctor to move ahead with another cycle!!! She said the doctor just wanted me to have some labs drawn to make sure my body wasn't making antibodies that were preventing implantation. I'll go have those drawn today and will start BCP on day 2 of my next cycle!!! I checked the 2011 transfer schedule that they had sent me prior to our first FET and saw dates in the end of June and July. I was assuming that we wouldn't have everything done in time for the June dates, but our nurse seems to think we'll be ok!! Tentative FET #2 date is June 16th!!!
Not only did He bring me peace so quickly and the strength to make it through, but He was merciful enough to make the initial BETA negative. I'm not sure that peace would have come so quickly if we had gotten a positive and then found out later that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I'm going to continue to let Him guide my steps through all this and pray that these are our babies!!!
Friday, May 6, 2011
"I will praise You in this storm...
...and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You NEVER left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." ~Casting Crowns
The doctors office called last night with my BETA results....negative. The nurse said something about calling on the first day of my next cycle and something else about scheduling a follow up with the doctor, but it's like she was talking through mud after I heard the word negative. Deep down inside I knew it and I kinda started the mourning process on Wednesday night, although at that point I just thought it was all these hormones getting the best of me. DH was at a men's ministry meeting at church when they called because we thought we wouldn't hear from them last night since earlier in the evening it had seemed that Labcorp hadn't sent the results. I called and asked him to come home through sobs. Then I called my mom (who drove right over) and his mom to let them know.
I was kind of numb last night. We cried until we didn't have any tears left and then we kinda just sat there and stared at the clock. I made it to work this morning, by the grace of God. It wasn't until I got there that I realized that I had forgotten to wash my face in the shower and I had to check and make sure I put deodorant on. I was in zombie mode this morning. My boss can be a little unstable at times, to say the least and I wasn't sure how she would be this morning, but she offered to let me go home as soon as she got in and I explained the situation to her. I told her that I didn't have a problem with working today, but asked if I could be relieved of working with patients and do some clerical duties since tears were coming about every 5 minutes or so. She was very accommodating and I put in my 8 hours without having to use any leave time.
On the way home the tears were still coming in spurts, but the doctors scheduler had called this morning and asked me to call her back to schedule the follow up. When I did she was at lunch so I asked if my wonderful nurse was there because I had a few questions. DH and I had talked last night about when to try again. Our logic was that right now, all my pre-transfer testing is current and I have some left over meds that aren't expired. If we wait, I'll have to have all those tests done again (and pay for them again) and order all those meds again (and pay for them again). We figured as long as we're both ready, we should just give it another shot ASAP.
Our nurse said that's fine and she's proud of us for not giving up. She said they'll start me on BCP on day 2 of my next cycle and we'll go from there. She sent me 3 profiles that they had available, only one of which was in the batch from last time. I kinda feel bad for those little guys...they keep getting skipped over. There's one I like right off the bat, but DH isn't home yet to get his opinion. The only catch is that our doctor has to approve us to try again. With their embryos in such high demand and such short supply their policy is to just give you one try, but the doctor can decide otherwise if she thinks the second time will be successful. I scheduled our follow up with her on Thursday to discuss our options for moving forward.
I guess if the dear Lord shuts the door on this one, we'll have some waiting and praying to do to figure out what to do next, but it's important to me that we don't give up. I need to be working towards a goal in this infertility journey. The 18 months that we were waiting and praying for guidance were the worst for me and that's when I get depressed. I need a plan. Even if it's a long term plan, I still need to have one. Until then, I will continue to praise Him in this storm. Everyone keeps telling me that feeling anger towards God is normal. I don't mean to sound boastful or anything, but I've never once, throughout this whole journey felt anger towards Him. I know this is part of a plan and I don't know the details of that plan. I'm just going to take this day by day and follow where the Lord leads me. Faith is taking that first step, when you can't see the staircase.
The doctors office called last night with my BETA results....negative. The nurse said something about calling on the first day of my next cycle and something else about scheduling a follow up with the doctor, but it's like she was talking through mud after I heard the word negative. Deep down inside I knew it and I kinda started the mourning process on Wednesday night, although at that point I just thought it was all these hormones getting the best of me. DH was at a men's ministry meeting at church when they called because we thought we wouldn't hear from them last night since earlier in the evening it had seemed that Labcorp hadn't sent the results. I called and asked him to come home through sobs. Then I called my mom (who drove right over) and his mom to let them know.
I was kind of numb last night. We cried until we didn't have any tears left and then we kinda just sat there and stared at the clock. I made it to work this morning, by the grace of God. It wasn't until I got there that I realized that I had forgotten to wash my face in the shower and I had to check and make sure I put deodorant on. I was in zombie mode this morning. My boss can be a little unstable at times, to say the least and I wasn't sure how she would be this morning, but she offered to let me go home as soon as she got in and I explained the situation to her. I told her that I didn't have a problem with working today, but asked if I could be relieved of working with patients and do some clerical duties since tears were coming about every 5 minutes or so. She was very accommodating and I put in my 8 hours without having to use any leave time.
On the way home the tears were still coming in spurts, but the doctors scheduler had called this morning and asked me to call her back to schedule the follow up. When I did she was at lunch so I asked if my wonderful nurse was there because I had a few questions. DH and I had talked last night about when to try again. Our logic was that right now, all my pre-transfer testing is current and I have some left over meds that aren't expired. If we wait, I'll have to have all those tests done again (and pay for them again) and order all those meds again (and pay for them again). We figured as long as we're both ready, we should just give it another shot ASAP.
Our nurse said that's fine and she's proud of us for not giving up. She said they'll start me on BCP on day 2 of my next cycle and we'll go from there. She sent me 3 profiles that they had available, only one of which was in the batch from last time. I kinda feel bad for those little guys...they keep getting skipped over. There's one I like right off the bat, but DH isn't home yet to get his opinion. The only catch is that our doctor has to approve us to try again. With their embryos in such high demand and such short supply their policy is to just give you one try, but the doctor can decide otherwise if she thinks the second time will be successful. I scheduled our follow up with her on Thursday to discuss our options for moving forward.
I guess if the dear Lord shuts the door on this one, we'll have some waiting and praying to do to figure out what to do next, but it's important to me that we don't give up. I need to be working towards a goal in this infertility journey. The 18 months that we were waiting and praying for guidance were the worst for me and that's when I get depressed. I need a plan. Even if it's a long term plan, I still need to have one. Until then, I will continue to praise Him in this storm. Everyone keeps telling me that feeling anger towards God is normal. I don't mean to sound boastful or anything, but I've never once, throughout this whole journey felt anger towards Him. I know this is part of a plan and I don't know the details of that plan. I'm just going to take this day by day and follow where the Lord leads me. Faith is taking that first step, when you can't see the staircase.
Friday, April 29, 2011
2ww...
...is so much worse when you know that at the beginning of it you were definitely pregnant! All the other 2wws were a bunch of wondering....did it work this month? Did we time it right? Should I have laid flat longer? I keep wondering if I'm having symptoms and then I have to remind myself that I'm artificially supplying myself with all of the things that my body would normally produce during pregnancy so I don't know if it's the meds or perhaps a baby (or two!) has decided to stick around?
My biggest complaint is heartburn/indigestion. I mean is it really possible for grits to give you heartburn???? Well, they did. And I feel nauseous a little off and on throughout the day, but again, maybe I'm psyching myself up about it or maybe it's just the meds.
I had my E2 labs drawn on Monday at my work (I work at a hospital). They were supposed to be STAT....we just got the results yesterday!!! The Core Lab got an ear full from me yesterday, let me tell you! It seems like every time I come here for blood work, something gets messed up! Anyway, my E2 level was at 925. I got a call from the nurse last night who said that everything is right where it should be, to continue on with my meds as is and wait for pregnancy labs on Thursday. Which I scheduled at Lapcorp, by the way. I couldn't stand to have them mess those up!
After we realized there would be some delay in the results I started praying that my levels were okay to sustain this pregnancy. Since we were supposed to know by Monday afternoon if any meds needed to be adjusted, I was super worried to be waiting until Thursday to find anything out. Once again, the dear Lord was looking down on me and alleviated my worries. He keeps showing up right when I need Him!!
I caved and took an HPT a few times and they all came back negative. I thought they would but I have a bunch left over that expire soon so there's no harm in using them up, right? ;) This time next week we'll have the final verdict....really wish I could press fast forward! My friend, Rachel, who I was blessed to meet through work directed me to a scripture passage that helped her through some difficult times recently. "The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you..." (2 Peter 3:9). I've been trying to focus on the fact that a two week wait is like a blink for my God and all good things will come to those who wait for His will to be done.
My biggest complaint is heartburn/indigestion. I mean is it really possible for grits to give you heartburn???? Well, they did. And I feel nauseous a little off and on throughout the day, but again, maybe I'm psyching myself up about it or maybe it's just the meds.
I had my E2 labs drawn on Monday at my work (I work at a hospital). They were supposed to be STAT....we just got the results yesterday!!! The Core Lab got an ear full from me yesterday, let me tell you! It seems like every time I come here for blood work, something gets messed up! Anyway, my E2 level was at 925. I got a call from the nurse last night who said that everything is right where it should be, to continue on with my meds as is and wait for pregnancy labs on Thursday. Which I scheduled at Lapcorp, by the way. I couldn't stand to have them mess those up!
After we realized there would be some delay in the results I started praying that my levels were okay to sustain this pregnancy. Since we were supposed to know by Monday afternoon if any meds needed to be adjusted, I was super worried to be waiting until Thursday to find anything out. Once again, the dear Lord was looking down on me and alleviated my worries. He keeps showing up right when I need Him!!
I caved and took an HPT a few times and they all came back negative. I thought they would but I have a bunch left over that expire soon so there's no harm in using them up, right? ;) This time next week we'll have the final verdict....really wish I could press fast forward! My friend, Rachel, who I was blessed to meet through work directed me to a scripture passage that helped her through some difficult times recently. "The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you..." (2 Peter 3:9). I've been trying to focus on the fact that a two week wait is like a blink for my God and all good things will come to those who wait for His will to be done.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Babies on board...
I was going to try to update from my phone but that's a lot harder than I thought i would be so I figured I'd wait until I was allowed out of bed to do some blogging. Everything went wonderfully yesterday and I only cried twice!
A while back, I had made the statement that coincidences are Gods way of remaining anonymous. Well, there were several indications that His hand was all over this process yesterday. As soon as we got there I was taken back for my massage and my masseuse's name was Todd. Todd was what my parents were going to name me if I had been a boy. While that wasn't one that brought me to tears I thought it was neat.
After my massage was over they took me to the procedure room for my acupuncture. The nurse got me situated and told me that Luke, my acupuncturist would be in in a minute. That's when I cried. The scripture verse that I've kept close to my heart through all of this is Luke 1:37 and I took this as good sign.
Right after we had decided on our profile, I asked our nurse if it was okay to write a letter to the donor family as long as it remains anonymous. She said that wouldn't be a problem so I e-mailed my nurse the letter yesterday morning. When we got to the clinic and finally met this woman who had answered all four million questions I had, she told me that she was so excited to send them the letter because they had asked to be informed when their embryos were chosen.
When I wrote the letter to the family I mentioned God and prayer as I usually would, but I wasn't sure how that would be received on their end. I just wasn't sure what kind of people they were. Could the biological parents of our child be non-believers? All of my doubts were put to rest when my nurse brought in the response e-mail she had gotten from our donor family. They said that they were typing through tears, that they had prayed for us and our family and were eternally grateful to us for giving their babies a chance at life. Having this letter immediately put my mind at ease. Knowing that they were faithful people and that our babies would have two more people praying for them along the way made me feel such relief. Oh, and I cried again!
DH came in with his little surgical hat and booties on and stayed with me through the transfer. The embryologist came in and showed us pictures of our babies. She graded one a 4AA and the other a 3BB. She explained that the number indicates how far along they are in the hatching process and the letters grade the quality of the cells. She said she was very optimistic about both, but of course the 4AA was her favorite. We're praying they both stick around!
The procedure took all of about 15 minutes and then Luke came back in to do another round of acupuncture. I kept those needles in for a half hour and then we were on our way. I was told to stay flat on my back in bed for 24 hours. That part was easier said than done! We stopped at Panera Bread and DH ran in to get some carry out on the way back. When we got back to the hotel I got into bed, ate and then napped the Valium off. I have some sciatic nerve issues on my left side so staying flat was super painful. When 11:00 this morning rolled around I was thrilled to get out of bed and get a shower!
The Dr. gave me an order for E2 blood work on Monday and then I'll go for my first BETA on May 5th. This is probably going to be the longest two week wait ever! All the other waits were praying that I was pregnant. This time around, I know I'm pregnant and I'm just praying to stay pregnant!
I'm still praying that His will be done and for the strength to get through whatever that will may be. I know I serve a gracious and merciful God who has a plan for our lives and I'm praying He makes that plan known.
A while back, I had made the statement that coincidences are Gods way of remaining anonymous. Well, there were several indications that His hand was all over this process yesterday. As soon as we got there I was taken back for my massage and my masseuse's name was Todd. Todd was what my parents were going to name me if I had been a boy. While that wasn't one that brought me to tears I thought it was neat.
After my massage was over they took me to the procedure room for my acupuncture. The nurse got me situated and told me that Luke, my acupuncturist would be in in a minute. That's when I cried. The scripture verse that I've kept close to my heart through all of this is Luke 1:37 and I took this as good sign.
Right after we had decided on our profile, I asked our nurse if it was okay to write a letter to the donor family as long as it remains anonymous. She said that wouldn't be a problem so I e-mailed my nurse the letter yesterday morning. When we got to the clinic and finally met this woman who had answered all four million questions I had, she told me that she was so excited to send them the letter because they had asked to be informed when their embryos were chosen.
When I wrote the letter to the family I mentioned God and prayer as I usually would, but I wasn't sure how that would be received on their end. I just wasn't sure what kind of people they were. Could the biological parents of our child be non-believers? All of my doubts were put to rest when my nurse brought in the response e-mail she had gotten from our donor family. They said that they were typing through tears, that they had prayed for us and our family and were eternally grateful to us for giving their babies a chance at life. Having this letter immediately put my mind at ease. Knowing that they were faithful people and that our babies would have two more people praying for them along the way made me feel such relief. Oh, and I cried again!
DH came in with his little surgical hat and booties on and stayed with me through the transfer. The embryologist came in and showed us pictures of our babies. She graded one a 4AA and the other a 3BB. She explained that the number indicates how far along they are in the hatching process and the letters grade the quality of the cells. She said she was very optimistic about both, but of course the 4AA was her favorite. We're praying they both stick around!
The procedure took all of about 15 minutes and then Luke came back in to do another round of acupuncture. I kept those needles in for a half hour and then we were on our way. I was told to stay flat on my back in bed for 24 hours. That part was easier said than done! We stopped at Panera Bread and DH ran in to get some carry out on the way back. When we got back to the hotel I got into bed, ate and then napped the Valium off. I have some sciatic nerve issues on my left side so staying flat was super painful. When 11:00 this morning rolled around I was thrilled to get out of bed and get a shower!
The Dr. gave me an order for E2 blood work on Monday and then I'll go for my first BETA on May 5th. This is probably going to be the longest two week wait ever! All the other waits were praying that I was pregnant. This time around, I know I'm pregnant and I'm just praying to stay pregnant!
I'm still praying that His will be done and for the strength to get through whatever that will may be. I know I serve a gracious and merciful God who has a plan for our lives and I'm praying He makes that plan known.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Transfer day....
We're here!!! Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well so I decided to get up early and get ready and blog for a bit while DH is getting ready. The clinic called yesterday on our way down here and told us that the case before us was cancelled and that they'd bumped us up to 9:00. Works well for me! Thank God they didn't try to make it in the afternoon! I never would have made it all day.
I'm excited, but not really nervous. I'm wondering if that's normal? I'm still just floating along in my prayer bubble right now. There are so many people pulling for us that I feel sheltered from that negativity and hopefully not being stressed about it is good for the babies.
Speaking of babies, our little furbabies are staying with my parents while we're down here and I miss them terribly. It's weird how you miss the little things....patter of feet on the hardwood floor, someone to greet you when you get home, someone to stare at you while you're eating! I know they're having a blast with their grandparents, but I hope they're not getting spoiled too much!
Well, I'm signing off here so I can finish getting ready and wake DH up. I think I said it in the last post because I wasn't anticipating being able to blog this morning, but "Next time you hear from me I'll be PUPO!!"
I'm excited, but not really nervous. I'm wondering if that's normal? I'm still just floating along in my prayer bubble right now. There are so many people pulling for us that I feel sheltered from that negativity and hopefully not being stressed about it is good for the babies.
Speaking of babies, our little furbabies are staying with my parents while we're down here and I miss them terribly. It's weird how you miss the little things....patter of feet on the hardwood floor, someone to greet you when you get home, someone to stare at you while you're eating! I know they're having a blast with their grandparents, but I hope they're not getting spoiled too much!
Well, I'm signing off here so I can finish getting ready and wake DH up. I think I said it in the last post because I wasn't anticipating being able to blog this morning, but "Next time you hear from me I'll be PUPO!!"
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Prayer bubble...
So we had an event tonight for the local business association and we invited two of our pastors and my in-laws pastor and his wife to come with us. Since we'll be leaving for VA tomorrow for the transfer, we asked if we could all take a minute and have them pray with us before we left. Standing there, holding hands in a circle outside all the commotion of this event were my in-laws, two of our pastors, their pastor and his wife and DH and I. Our pastor started off and each of them chimed in with there personal prayer for us.
I told DH on the way home that I feel like we're in a prayer bubble. We have so many wonderful people praying for us and for these babies that I feel protected from any disappointment and negativity. There will be people actually on their knees for us on Thursday morning and that means more to us than I can express in words!
We're starting to dream about names and nursery ideas. Maybe it's too soon, but I've been praying that God's will be done and if for some reason His will isn't the same as my will, I pray for peace to accept that He has another plan for us and will show us what that is. I'm still keeping Luke 1:37 close to my heart!
P.S.-My in-laws pastor informed me tonight that he'll be praying for triplets! I told him to bring it on!
I told DH on the way home that I feel like we're in a prayer bubble. We have so many wonderful people praying for us and for these babies that I feel protected from any disappointment and negativity. There will be people actually on their knees for us on Thursday morning and that means more to us than I can express in words!
We're starting to dream about names and nursery ideas. Maybe it's too soon, but I've been praying that God's will be done and if for some reason His will isn't the same as my will, I pray for peace to accept that He has another plan for us and will show us what that is. I'm still keeping Luke 1:37 close to my heart!
P.S.-My in-laws pastor informed me tonight that he'll be praying for triplets! I told him to bring it on!
PIO Injections...
...started on Saturday. Mom came over to walk DH through the whole thing and he did fine. It's so weird how they can be such tough guys until it comes to shooting their wife in the rear with a needle! The first injection site wasn't sore at all, but the one we did last night hurt a little more today. I think over the next few weeks we'll just have to find the right technique/position to decrease the ache.
I'm working the early shift tomorrow and as soon as I get off work we're heading to VA!! I heard from the clinic today and I have to be there at 9:30 Thursday morning. They'll do acupuncture, followed by a half hour massage, then I get to drink a ton of water to fill my bladder for the ultrasound guided transfer. After the transfer, I have to lay there for a half hour and let gravity do it's thing. The doctor told me that since I'll have a full bladder, she can insert a pediatric catheter to empty it for me. I think that's the only part I'm not looking forward to. I've never had a catheter to my knowledge and if I don't know about it then I must have been heavily sedated! The Dr. said they'll do another round of acupuncture after the transfer and then it's back to the hotel to relax. I'm kind of looking forward to the down time and as always, I love taking road trips with the hubby so that'll be fun too!
All prayers and well wishes are much appreciated! I'll be taking my laptop down with me but more for the purposes of Netflix than updating the blog, but who knows! The next time you hear from me I'll be PUPO!!!
I'm working the early shift tomorrow and as soon as I get off work we're heading to VA!! I heard from the clinic today and I have to be there at 9:30 Thursday morning. They'll do acupuncture, followed by a half hour massage, then I get to drink a ton of water to fill my bladder for the ultrasound guided transfer. After the transfer, I have to lay there for a half hour and let gravity do it's thing. The doctor told me that since I'll have a full bladder, she can insert a pediatric catheter to empty it for me. I think that's the only part I'm not looking forward to. I've never had a catheter to my knowledge and if I don't know about it then I must have been heavily sedated! The Dr. said they'll do another round of acupuncture after the transfer and then it's back to the hotel to relax. I'm kind of looking forward to the down time and as always, I love taking road trips with the hubby so that'll be fun too!
All prayers and well wishes are much appreciated! I'll be taking my laptop down with me but more for the purposes of Netflix than updating the blog, but who knows! The next time you hear from me I'll be PUPO!!!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Finally met our doctor...
...and she is wonderful!!! I had my final monitoring ultrasound and blood work at my GYNs office on Wednesday and when my nurse got the results, she e-mailed me to say that my lining was a little too thin. It was measuring at 7.1 mm and they usually like it to be at least 8 mm. She said the Dr. wanted me to start the Estrace pills early and instead of taking them orally, she wanted me to do it vaginally twice a day. I started that Thursday afternoon when I got home from work and got the call from the clinic that they wanted us there at 7 am on Saturday for the catheter fitting! We were planning on driving down Saturday morning, but with the appointment being that early we didn't want to risk traffic, getting lost, etc. so we drove down on Friday and stayed at the hotel that we booked for Wednesday and Thursday night.
Needless to say, after the 7.1 mm measurement I got a little panicky. I wondered if this was a sign that this wasn't the right choice for us. I immediately called all my prayer partners and asked them to pray for my endometrial lining....odd request, I know! I didn't get much sleep Friday night. I seemed to be tossing and turning all night with worry. I woke up before the alarm on Saturday, got showered and woke up DH. After a pit stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a bagel, we arrived at the clinic.
I must admit, my first impressions weren't good at all and I wondered if we'd made the right choice. My wonderful nurse was off that day and, at first, the few staff members that we met seem kind of cold and abrupt. The ultrasound tech was kind of rough and the nurse that we met with wasn't as warm as I had hoped at first, but I think I was just reading her wrong because she was great by the end of the visit. They got me situated in stirrups and were getting the room set up when the Dr. walked in. I kind of planned on meeting her face to face before I was spread eagle in front of her, but whatever! I feel like I have no shame at this point!
She apologized for having to meet this way and informed us that my lining was measuring 12 mm!!! Thank you, Jesus! I can't describe the relief I felt at that point. She said everything looked perfect and my cervical mucus was "beautiful." Quite an odd compliment, but under the circumstances, I'll take it! I asked her if it was a nice shade of blue since the Estrace pills that I'd been inserting vaginally were blue. Since her first name is Robin she joked and said they at that clinic they call that "Robin Egg Blue!" Too cute!
The catheter fitting was quick and painless and she gave us a brief overview of what was going to happen on Thursday and we were on our way. I had been on the fence about whether or not to take their massage and acupuncture package on transfer day, but decided that I need to do everything in my power to give these embryos a chance so we let them know that we wanted that too.
This is going to be a long 3 days, but we'll be on the road after work on Wednesday. It's so cool that by this time next week, I'll be pregnant!! I pray that one or both of these little guys decide to make themselves at home and stick around for the next nine months! Praying for twins!!!
Needless to say, after the 7.1 mm measurement I got a little panicky. I wondered if this was a sign that this wasn't the right choice for us. I immediately called all my prayer partners and asked them to pray for my endometrial lining....odd request, I know! I didn't get much sleep Friday night. I seemed to be tossing and turning all night with worry. I woke up before the alarm on Saturday, got showered and woke up DH. After a pit stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a bagel, we arrived at the clinic.
I must admit, my first impressions weren't good at all and I wondered if we'd made the right choice. My wonderful nurse was off that day and, at first, the few staff members that we met seem kind of cold and abrupt. The ultrasound tech was kind of rough and the nurse that we met with wasn't as warm as I had hoped at first, but I think I was just reading her wrong because she was great by the end of the visit. They got me situated in stirrups and were getting the room set up when the Dr. walked in. I kind of planned on meeting her face to face before I was spread eagle in front of her, but whatever! I feel like I have no shame at this point!
She apologized for having to meet this way and informed us that my lining was measuring 12 mm!!! Thank you, Jesus! I can't describe the relief I felt at that point. She said everything looked perfect and my cervical mucus was "beautiful." Quite an odd compliment, but under the circumstances, I'll take it! I asked her if it was a nice shade of blue since the Estrace pills that I'd been inserting vaginally were blue. Since her first name is Robin she joked and said they at that clinic they call that "Robin Egg Blue!" Too cute!
The catheter fitting was quick and painless and she gave us a brief overview of what was going to happen on Thursday and we were on our way. I had been on the fence about whether or not to take their massage and acupuncture package on transfer day, but decided that I need to do everything in my power to give these embryos a chance so we let them know that we wanted that too.
This is going to be a long 3 days, but we'll be on the road after work on Wednesday. It's so cool that by this time next week, I'll be pregnant!! I pray that one or both of these little guys decide to make themselves at home and stick around for the next nine months! Praying for twins!!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Endometrial Biopsy...
So sorry I haven't checked in sooner...although, I'm not sure anyone keeps up with me that closely! Anyway, vacation was wonderfully relaxing and allowed me to bond with some family members that we don't get to see as often as we'd like. I started the Lupron injections while we were down there and my aunt, the RN, asked if she could do the first injection so she could be a part of this process! How sweet!
As far as side effects go, I definitely have a greater appreciation for menopausal women after starting the Lupron! Night sweats and hot flashes like you wouldn't believe! Other than that, I haven't noticed any other adverse effects which is good.
I had the endometrial biopsy, vaginal cultures (to check for STDs) and my annual PAP done when I got back on 3/30. The Dr. had told me to take 800mg of Motrin before I came....I forgot! I thought I had some in my purse...I was mistaken! Going into this, I was thinking that it would be just like the other procedures I had done and that I would experience some cramping, but nothing unbearable. While I wouldn't go so far as to say it was unbearable...it was certainly more uncomfortable than the previous tests!
I got a call from my GYNs office today and they informed me that my insurance company didn't have an authorization for all the testing that we've been doing. Mind you, I have ONE more appointment for blood work and an ultrasound next week and that's the last thing that I need done before the transfer. I'm not sure why this is just being addressed now, but I'm not thrilled in the least. On top of that, the insurance company won't let me speak to anyone in care management about any of this because I'm not the doctors office! Ugh!
On a completely unrelated topic, we had a women's retreat this past weekend with my church and I had an amazing time!! I was able to form some new friendships and nurture some existing ones and most importantly spend time with the Lord and learning His word and what he expects of me as a Christian woman. We truly are blessed to have found such a wonderful church family!!
As far as side effects go, I definitely have a greater appreciation for menopausal women after starting the Lupron! Night sweats and hot flashes like you wouldn't believe! Other than that, I haven't noticed any other adverse effects which is good.
I had the endometrial biopsy, vaginal cultures (to check for STDs) and my annual PAP done when I got back on 3/30. The Dr. had told me to take 800mg of Motrin before I came....I forgot! I thought I had some in my purse...I was mistaken! Going into this, I was thinking that it would be just like the other procedures I had done and that I would experience some cramping, but nothing unbearable. While I wouldn't go so far as to say it was unbearable...it was certainly more uncomfortable than the previous tests!
I got a call from my GYNs office today and they informed me that my insurance company didn't have an authorization for all the testing that we've been doing. Mind you, I have ONE more appointment for blood work and an ultrasound next week and that's the last thing that I need done before the transfer. I'm not sure why this is just being addressed now, but I'm not thrilled in the least. On top of that, the insurance company won't let me speak to anyone in care management about any of this because I'm not the doctors office! Ugh!
On a completely unrelated topic, we had a women's retreat this past weekend with my church and I had an amazing time!! I was able to form some new friendships and nurture some existing ones and most importantly spend time with the Lord and learning His word and what he expects of me as a Christian woman. We truly are blessed to have found such a wonderful church family!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Meds...
I talked to the mail order pharmacy that our clinic uses on Monday and they said that our insurance would only allow them to fill the injectible meds and mail them out. They wanted us to fill the rest at a local pharmacy. The pharmacist told me that as soon as they got a credit card payment she could process the order and mail them out. I braced myself for what I knew was going to be coronary-worthy price....$30!!!! And no, I'm not forgetting a zero!! Can you believe that??? $30 for all my injectible meds! Now I still have to stop at the local CVS after bible study tonight and pick up the rest, but since I'm hearing the injectibles are the most expensive, I feel like that shouldn't be too bad!
With today being Ash Wednesday and our transfer being schedule for Holy Thursday, I know that this Lenten season will be filled with prayer and reflection. Our pastor discussed in bible study a few weeks ago that we should come to the Lord with our prayers and don't hold back. Dream big and pray bigger! So with that being said, I'm praying for twins! We're transferring two embies so I'm praying big and asking for both to stick, followed by healthy pregnancies and healthy babies.
The Lenten season has always been a favorite time of year for me. I love going to stations of the cross and the Knights of Columbus fish fry at my parents church on Fridays with my girlfriends. I love the added emphasis on repentance, prayer and sacrifice. I still consider myself a Catholic, but just one that worships in a Baptist church so this time of year has always been pretty big in my life. I'm using the next 40 days to reflect on my dream of motherhood and pray like I've never prayed before!
With today being Ash Wednesday and our transfer being schedule for Holy Thursday, I know that this Lenten season will be filled with prayer and reflection. Our pastor discussed in bible study a few weeks ago that we should come to the Lord with our prayers and don't hold back. Dream big and pray bigger! So with that being said, I'm praying for twins! We're transferring two embies so I'm praying big and asking for both to stick, followed by healthy pregnancies and healthy babies.
The Lenten season has always been a favorite time of year for me. I love going to stations of the cross and the Knights of Columbus fish fry at my parents church on Fridays with my girlfriends. I love the added emphasis on repentance, prayer and sacrifice. I still consider myself a Catholic, but just one that worships in a Baptist church so this time of year has always been pretty big in my life. I'm using the next 40 days to reflect on my dream of motherhood and pray like I've never prayed before!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saline HSG...
Well, I just got home from my Saline HSG. Nothing really to write home about. The doctor said that everything looked great, gave me some pictures to send down to my clinic and said "I hope to be looking a something a little more interesting in your uterus in the next few months!" I got this done at my GYNs office and apparently they've never dealt with an EA patient.
My appointment was scheduled at 10:00. When I got there at 9:45 the receptionist informed me that my appointment was at 9:00. I was on the verge of tears and told her that I would wait all day if I needed to but I needed to get this done today. She went back and talked to the sonographer who was very eager to help me out because she wanted to be a part of this journey! They were able to fit me in at 1:30! The receptionist was able to see in the computer that it was their fault that the time was switched, but I thought it was super sweet of the sonographer to want to be a part of this.
All of my meds should be her next week and I'll start the Lupron on the 25th. DH still wants to see how big the needles are before he decides if he wants to stick me. He's so afraid of hurting me and just doesn't understand the amount of pain I'm willing to endure for this. Worst case scenario, my Mom is an RN and she said she can come over and do them if he's uncomfortable.
DH and I were talking about Easter yesterday and since our transfer is on April 21st, I will be pregnant until proven otherwise on Easter Sunday. I can't wait to know that there are two little lives growing inside of me. I've been thinking a lot about when to tell everyone. I've even considered not telling DH about the first BETA if it's positive, just in case it drops on the second one. Since our infertility is male factor, I feel like he's carrying a lot of guilt about all this and I want to spare him the disappointment since he's shouldering all the guilt. I figure we can divvy up the emotional baggage.
If this does work (and I'm thinking very positively!), we were going to buy our mothers a snowflake charm for their Pandora bracelets and give them to them on Mother's Day (May 8th) and see how long it takes them to figure it out. I told my Dad about the idea and he really liked it. He keeps texting me pictures of "cool" or "frosty" things that he sees with the caption "thinking of my grandchildren". He's being so cute! I'm just not sure if we'll be able to keep the BETA results a secret that long. I'm really bad at keeping my mouth shut!
My appointment was scheduled at 10:00. When I got there at 9:45 the receptionist informed me that my appointment was at 9:00. I was on the verge of tears and told her that I would wait all day if I needed to but I needed to get this done today. She went back and talked to the sonographer who was very eager to help me out because she wanted to be a part of this journey! They were able to fit me in at 1:30! The receptionist was able to see in the computer that it was their fault that the time was switched, but I thought it was super sweet of the sonographer to want to be a part of this.
All of my meds should be her next week and I'll start the Lupron on the 25th. DH still wants to see how big the needles are before he decides if he wants to stick me. He's so afraid of hurting me and just doesn't understand the amount of pain I'm willing to endure for this. Worst case scenario, my Mom is an RN and she said she can come over and do them if he's uncomfortable.
DH and I were talking about Easter yesterday and since our transfer is on April 21st, I will be pregnant until proven otherwise on Easter Sunday. I can't wait to know that there are two little lives growing inside of me. I've been thinking a lot about when to tell everyone. I've even considered not telling DH about the first BETA if it's positive, just in case it drops on the second one. Since our infertility is male factor, I feel like he's carrying a lot of guilt about all this and I want to spare him the disappointment since he's shouldering all the guilt. I figure we can divvy up the emotional baggage.
If this does work (and I'm thinking very positively!), we were going to buy our mothers a snowflake charm for their Pandora bracelets and give them to them on Mother's Day (May 8th) and see how long it takes them to figure it out. I told my Dad about the idea and he really liked it. He keeps texting me pictures of "cool" or "frosty" things that he sees with the caption "thinking of my grandchildren". He's being so cute! I'm just not sure if we'll be able to keep the BETA results a secret that long. I'm really bad at keeping my mouth shut!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Protocol...
Pills and patches and shots, oh my!!! I got my protocol instructions on Friday...WOW! I think one of the instructions should be, "Buy a smart phone because you're gonna need it!" Luckily, I have a Droid so I spent my Friday evening programing reminders into my Gmail calendar so my phone will tell me when it's time to do all this stuff. DH says he needs to see how big the needles are before he decides if he's going to be able to give them to me. He's super nervous about hurting me even though I told him that I have a high tolerance for pain. Mom is the back up...she's an RN and has no problem inflicting pain on my rear end! ;)
My RN told me that the pharmacy that they use will be in contact with me regarding delivery of all my meds. I'm really hoping that insurance covers at least some of this stuff. I had planned on using a fertility clinic that wasn't too far from my work (& took my insurance) for the monitoring ultrasounds and blood work, but I called them yesterday to set up the initial appointment and they decided to tell me then that they charge a $200 "admin" fee for satellite monitoring and that they don't bill insurance for those services so I would have to pay out of pocket. Hmm...mayhaps you should have told me that when I called to ask if you do satellite monitoring and confirm that you accept my insurance. Just a thought! So I'm working with an RN at my GYNS office to see if they can do it there.
So now I'm just patiently waiting for AF to show up so I can start the BCP. I think this is the first time in 3 years that I actually want her to get here! Hopefully, she'll arrive this weekend and we can get this show on the road!
Oh...almost forgot....our Dr. looked over the psych evaluation that I sent her from when we were going to use donor sperm and she said that it was acceptable for the donor embryo program too! That was a $250 out of pocket appointment so I'm glad we don't have to do that all over again!
As we proceed with all these tests and meds and things, I'm trying to keep prayer at the forefront of my mind. I've developed this indescribable connection to our embryos already. Kind of this long distance love/nurturing thing....I don't know. Like I said, indescribable! I pray for them daily and hope they decide to take up residence in my womb for nine months! I'm not even thinking about an "if not", because I'm remaining positive about all of this, which surprisingly isn't hard to do. I feel like this is right and God won't bring us to it without leading us through it!
My RN told me that the pharmacy that they use will be in contact with me regarding delivery of all my meds. I'm really hoping that insurance covers at least some of this stuff. I had planned on using a fertility clinic that wasn't too far from my work (& took my insurance) for the monitoring ultrasounds and blood work, but I called them yesterday to set up the initial appointment and they decided to tell me then that they charge a $200 "admin" fee for satellite monitoring and that they don't bill insurance for those services so I would have to pay out of pocket. Hmm...mayhaps you should have told me that when I called to ask if you do satellite monitoring and confirm that you accept my insurance. Just a thought! So I'm working with an RN at my GYNS office to see if they can do it there.
So now I'm just patiently waiting for AF to show up so I can start the BCP. I think this is the first time in 3 years that I actually want her to get here! Hopefully, she'll arrive this weekend and we can get this show on the road!
Oh...almost forgot....our Dr. looked over the psych evaluation that I sent her from when we were going to use donor sperm and she said that it was acceptable for the donor embryo program too! That was a $250 out of pocket appointment so I'm glad we don't have to do that all over again!
As we proceed with all these tests and meds and things, I'm trying to keep prayer at the forefront of my mind. I've developed this indescribable connection to our embryos already. Kind of this long distance love/nurturing thing....I don't know. Like I said, indescribable! I pray for them daily and hope they decide to take up residence in my womb for nine months! I'm not even thinking about an "if not", because I'm remaining positive about all of this, which surprisingly isn't hard to do. I feel like this is right and God won't bring us to it without leading us through it!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
On April 21st...
...I will be carrying TWINS....until proven otherwise! I talked to our nurse yesterday (who is absolutely wonderful, might I add) and we picked our transfer date!! She called in a prescription for BCP, which I'll start on day two of my next cycle. I need to call her on day one and she'll send me the protocol and we'll get started. I went ahead and scheduled the endometrial biopsy with my GYN so that I had it on the books and told them I'd send the order when I got it. I go in for that on March 30th and our RN will tell us when the SHG should be and I can schedule it there as well.
As anxious as I am, I'm glad we were able to get this all scheduled so quickly. I was really hoping for the March 28th date but they need to do a mock transfer 5 days prior to the FET so we had to push it off until April because we're going to St. Croix from March 19th - 26th. We'll drive down for the day on April 16th (it's a Saturday) and do the mock transfer and then come home. After we get off work on the 20th, we'll head down and check in to a hotel, have the transfer on the 21st and head home on Friday. I checked the calendar and realized that it's Easter weekend which I think is awesome, but I'm kinda bummed since it'll be tough to fun a church service for Good Friday. I'll try and do some research before we head down and see if we can work something out.
I'm so completely optimistic about this and I'm hoping that I'm not getting my hopes up too high. All the girls on the BBC message board got BFPs recently and I'm so thrilled for them!! It's bolstered my confidence that this is going to work for us. I'm trying to stay focused and faithful and pray every chance I get! I know that, ultimately, this is in His hands, but I've never felt so right about a decision that I've made so I'm praying it's the right one!
As anxious as I am, I'm glad we were able to get this all scheduled so quickly. I was really hoping for the March 28th date but they need to do a mock transfer 5 days prior to the FET so we had to push it off until April because we're going to St. Croix from March 19th - 26th. We'll drive down for the day on April 16th (it's a Saturday) and do the mock transfer and then come home. After we get off work on the 20th, we'll head down and check in to a hotel, have the transfer on the 21st and head home on Friday. I checked the calendar and realized that it's Easter weekend which I think is awesome, but I'm kinda bummed since it'll be tough to fun a church service for Good Friday. I'll try and do some research before we head down and see if we can work something out.
I'm so completely optimistic about this and I'm hoping that I'm not getting my hopes up too high. All the girls on the BBC message board got BFPs recently and I'm so thrilled for them!! It's bolstered my confidence that this is going to work for us. I'm trying to stay focused and faithful and pray every chance I get! I know that, ultimately, this is in His hands, but I've never felt so right about a decision that I've made so I'm praying it's the right one!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Babies on ice...
So, of course, I had a few questions to ask our nurse before we made a decision about the profiles. I e-mailed her today to ask her if CMV status and/or blood type mattered when choosing an embryo, if we would be able to reserve more than one FET worth of embryos to ensure that we would have biological siblings, and verify that one of the profiles that she sent us had, in fact, been frozen in 2001.
And, of course, the one that was my favorite was also DH's favorite and when I talked to the nurse, they only had 2 embies left from that couple. Needless to say, this lit a pretty big fire under our butts! While there was another profile that would yield children that looked more like us than our first choice profile, that one had a history of breast cancer in the maternal mother and grandmother which made me super nervous.
We didn't want these last two embies to slip away so we went ahead and reserved them! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, our embryonic children are waiting for us!!! Our nurse had already left for the day, but the financial coordinator told me that she would follow up with us on Monday. I spoke to my OB/GYNs office and found out that they can do the endometrial biopsy and SHG at their office which is awesome because I really didn't feel like getting another doctor involved if we didn't have too. I like my OB and would like to stick with that practice. As for the satellite monitoring, I found a clinic that's not too terribly far from my work that would handle all that once we got the orders from our nurse and they accept our insurance!
I was kind of disappointed that I couldn't work something out with one of the doctors at the hospital where I work. Being one of the best hospitals in the world, you would think they would have been able to handle something like this! Maybe that's my calling when I get out of nursing school? I'll expand the fertility center there to make it as world renowned as the rest of the institution! Dreaming big, I know!
The DH isn't getting his hopes up about anything but he lets little things slip sometimes that let me know he's as excited as I am and he's just trying to hid it so he's the strong one. I had dinner with my mom tonight too which was really good for both of us. She got her self all worked up and anxious yesterday about this whole thing. She said she didn't want us to rush into anything. I explained to her that while this answer came pretty quickly, we've been asking the question for a long time. We've had a lot of time to process all this information, weigh our options and most importantly pray about it. God took a little bit to give us our answer but I think He was waiting for us to get our butts into gear in some other areas of our lives before He showed us the path we were supposed to take. Once I explained to mom that this felt right to me and told her about all the little things that have happened recently that led us to this decision, she calmed down.
So there's officially nothing I can do on the baby front until Monday, so I'm getting ready to hit the books and do some last minute reviewing for my nursing school entrance exams tomorrow. I'm hoping I can keep the day dreaming to a minimum and focus on this test. Either way, I'm offering it up to Him and if it's meant to be, it will be!
And, of course, the one that was my favorite was also DH's favorite and when I talked to the nurse, they only had 2 embies left from that couple. Needless to say, this lit a pretty big fire under our butts! While there was another profile that would yield children that looked more like us than our first choice profile, that one had a history of breast cancer in the maternal mother and grandmother which made me super nervous.
We didn't want these last two embies to slip away so we went ahead and reserved them! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, our embryonic children are waiting for us!!! Our nurse had already left for the day, but the financial coordinator told me that she would follow up with us on Monday. I spoke to my OB/GYNs office and found out that they can do the endometrial biopsy and SHG at their office which is awesome because I really didn't feel like getting another doctor involved if we didn't have too. I like my OB and would like to stick with that practice. As for the satellite monitoring, I found a clinic that's not too terribly far from my work that would handle all that once we got the orders from our nurse and they accept our insurance!
I was kind of disappointed that I couldn't work something out with one of the doctors at the hospital where I work. Being one of the best hospitals in the world, you would think they would have been able to handle something like this! Maybe that's my calling when I get out of nursing school? I'll expand the fertility center there to make it as world renowned as the rest of the institution! Dreaming big, I know!
The DH isn't getting his hopes up about anything but he lets little things slip sometimes that let me know he's as excited as I am and he's just trying to hid it so he's the strong one. I had dinner with my mom tonight too which was really good for both of us. She got her self all worked up and anxious yesterday about this whole thing. She said she didn't want us to rush into anything. I explained to her that while this answer came pretty quickly, we've been asking the question for a long time. We've had a lot of time to process all this information, weigh our options and most importantly pray about it. God took a little bit to give us our answer but I think He was waiting for us to get our butts into gear in some other areas of our lives before He showed us the path we were supposed to take. Once I explained to mom that this felt right to me and told her about all the little things that have happened recently that led us to this decision, she calmed down.
So there's officially nothing I can do on the baby front until Monday, so I'm getting ready to hit the books and do some last minute reviewing for my nursing school entrance exams tomorrow. I'm hoping I can keep the day dreaming to a minimum and focus on this test. Either way, I'm offering it up to Him and if it's meant to be, it will be!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Phone Consult...
We had our phone consult with our first choice clinic today!!! The doctor we dealt with was wonderful, as was all the staff that we spoke to. She still didn't have all the medical records from the clinic that we used locally, but it sounds like all we have to do is get a sonohysterogram and an endometrial biopsy and we're good to go! We had a psych evaluation when we were considering donor sperm and the doctor said that most likely that will suffice since it's been within a year.
They sent us 5 profiles to look through and one only had one embryo available. I've chosen to put that one at the bottom of the list. I've been pouring over them all day and DH is at his parents house helping his dad with their father/son bonding project right now so I'm super anxious for him to get home! This just feels right...I can't explain why but I'm hoping that following my gut instinct is going to pay off!
I also heard today that the blogger that was my inspiration and my "sign" that EA was the right choice for us finally got her BFP!!! Yet another blessing that God has put in my path to make me realize how awesome He really is!
It's going to be IMPOSSIBLE to sleep tonight! Or focus on my nursing school entrance exam on Saturday....Wish me luck!
They sent us 5 profiles to look through and one only had one embryo available. I've chosen to put that one at the bottom of the list. I've been pouring over them all day and DH is at his parents house helping his dad with their father/son bonding project right now so I'm super anxious for him to get home! This just feels right...I can't explain why but I'm hoping that following my gut instinct is going to pay off!
I also heard today that the blogger that was my inspiration and my "sign" that EA was the right choice for us finally got her BFP!!! Yet another blessing that God has put in my path to make me realize how awesome He really is!
It's going to be IMPOSSIBLE to sleep tonight! Or focus on my nursing school entrance exam on Saturday....Wish me luck!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Body Gospel...
On a completely non-infertility related topic (which I think I'll need sometimes!), I started an aerobics class at church on Tuesday nights and it's really lifting my spirits and keeping my mind occupied. It's called Body Gospel and it's produced by BeachBody (the same people that do P90X and Slim in 6). I liked the first weeks workout so much I bought the whole series! I love finding these new ways that I can welcome God into my life!
I'll be taking my nursing school entrance exams on Saturday morning! (As if I didn't have enough on my plate already!) I'll be tested on pretty much everything I learned from kindergarten through 12th grade. I work with some nurses on a daily basis that, I'm certain, never had to pass this test! Of course, I hope I do well and my grade gets me a ticket into nursing school, but at this point, I'm willing to put that dream on hold for a while, if need be, in order to follow my dream of becoming a mother. I have a good, stable job that gives us great benefits and still allows me to care for others, just not in the capacity that I'd like. If I have to stay where I am for a few more years than originally planned, so be it. As much as I feel that I'm called to be a nurse, my call to motherhood is louder!
We have the phone consult with our first choice clinic on Thursday morning so I'll be sure post afterwards! All prayers are much appreciated!!
I'll be taking my nursing school entrance exams on Saturday morning! (As if I didn't have enough on my plate already!) I'll be tested on pretty much everything I learned from kindergarten through 12th grade. I work with some nurses on a daily basis that, I'm certain, never had to pass this test! Of course, I hope I do well and my grade gets me a ticket into nursing school, but at this point, I'm willing to put that dream on hold for a while, if need be, in order to follow my dream of becoming a mother. I have a good, stable job that gives us great benefits and still allows me to care for others, just not in the capacity that I'd like. If I have to stay where I am for a few more years than originally planned, so be it. As much as I feel that I'm called to be a nurse, my call to motherhood is louder!
We have the phone consult with our first choice clinic on Thursday morning so I'll be sure post afterwards! All prayers are much appreciated!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
We heard back from a clinic...
Part of what had attracted us to EA in the first place was the fact that we would be giving life to some embies that otherwise would not have a chance. Well, we just got a call back from a clinic that kinda takes that aspect out of the equation. While we were talking, the guy from the clinic kept mentioning donor egg and donor sperm. I thought, perhaps, he was mistaken about our inquiry and when I corrected him and told him that we were interested in embryo adoption, he clarified and explained that they offer embryo adoption at the clinic but said embryos were created from donor egg and donor sperm.
Is it just me or does that kind of take away from one of the main principles that donor embryo recipients hold dear? It's not so much embryo adoption at that point as it is high tech family planning. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that some folks may want to select a sperm and egg donor that would give them the best chance of having children that fit the profile that they were looking for, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
Anyway, I told DH that I didn't think these were our babies and that we should keep praying that our first choice clinic comes through and has embies available for real adoption. This clinic was almost twice as expensive as others that I've called, although they do offer a money back guarantee if you're unsuccessful in 3 attempts. I'm trusting that the Lord wants us to pass this one up because He's got our baby waiting in the wings!
Is it just me or does that kind of take away from one of the main principles that donor embryo recipients hold dear? It's not so much embryo adoption at that point as it is high tech family planning. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that some folks may want to select a sperm and egg donor that would give them the best chance of having children that fit the profile that they were looking for, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
Anyway, I told DH that I didn't think these were our babies and that we should keep praying that our first choice clinic comes through and has embies available for real adoption. This clinic was almost twice as expensive as others that I've called, although they do offer a money back guarantee if you're unsuccessful in 3 attempts. I'm trusting that the Lord wants us to pass this one up because He's got our baby waiting in the wings!
Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous...
For as long as I can remember, I've never been able to understand when people said that the Lord spoke to them or the Holy Spirit guided them. Sure I believe in the power of prayer and that all things happen because they are a part of God's design, but I had never experienced any sort of divine intervention that would lead me to believe that the Lord was speaking directly to little ol' me.
After we were baptized, I began to open my eyes and my heart to the ways that God is working in my life....in our lives. At least half a dozen times over the past two months a bible verse has been popping up EVERYWHERE! "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37) I found it highlighted in my great grandfathers bible that I've been reading. It was printed in a newspaper article about an infertile couple who had just received the miracle of adoption. My father in law said it when we were out to dinner one night and talking about our adoption plans. And the one that took the cake was when we went to the church where Bethany Christian Services held their orientation session, it was printed in ginormous letters on the back wall of the church!
I've been keeping this message close to my heart for a while and have come to realize that dropping that bible verse into my life here and there is His way of guiding me and letting me know that He's with me every step of the way. So now I'm wondering how long He's been pulling these sneaky little stunts and my heart just wasn't open enough to receive his presence. How many things in my life would have gone differently if I had been more aware that the Lord was with me?
I know, I know....I musn't dwell on the past. It just kind of makes you wonder. So after the meeting with Bethany Christian Services, DH and I had come home feeling kind of bummed. The whole process seemed like a lot of intrusion, a lot of expense, a lot of wait and still a chance that we're just setting ourself up for more heartache if the adoption fails. We just weren't sure if we were ready to put ourselves through any of the disappointments that would result in filling out that application for adoption.
I came home and immediately ran to the computer and went to the message boards on Babycenter.com. We had heard about embryo adoption, but I hadn't done a whole lot of research on it because we hadn't really considered it back when we were first diagnosed. Of course, the girls on babycenter never disappoint and they had a TON of information on their message board posts to start my research.
Now, I have a confession to make....I'm a blog stalker. If you're reading this, there's a good chance I've stalked your blog. Good news is, it gave me hope, inspiration, strength, information, etc., etc., etc. And for that I thank you! One blogger in particular had just had her FET done this past wednesday. The post from that day was the first one on her blog that I read on Thursday night. I came home after work on Friday and continued to read her entries. I quickly realized that this woman was going through the exact same situation that I was. Her hubby has Klinefelters but was spared all the physical manifestations. She's extremely devoted to God and open to follow his plan wherever that leads her. She reached out to her local office of Bethany Christian Services to persue infant adoption. The list goes on!
Needless to say, I was balling my eyes out reading her posts. I felt like God dropped this particular woman, with this particular blog, onto my PC to let me know that this was the way we were supposed to go. EA is the answer for us and the miracle we need to start our family. Sure, we still believe that all it would take is one touch of His hand and DH would start making spermies and we could get pregnant the old fashioned way, but while we're waiting for that miracle, the Lord is going to work through EA to provide for us now!
I guess my point is, for so many years I wondered why God wasn't "talking" to me or "guiding" me the way it seemed he was for so many others. I realize now (stupid, me!) that it wasn't God at all. He probably wasn't talking so much as screaming at me and I was just to wrapped up in the rest of my life to hear His voice. Since I've opened my heart to follow His path and dedicated more of my daily life to spending time with Him, I've come to realize that He's everywhere I turn and that realization has made this process exponentially easier!
So I've reached out to clinics all over the country and we have 2 consults set up in the first two weeks of February. I'm hoping the first one works out because it's closer to home and the staff that I've dealt with already were super super friendly! The second clinic isn't too far away but they have a bit of a wait for embies and I'd like to get this started ASAP. I told you in my last entry that the last time I was excited was right before the follow up appointment with the urologist when he told us the diagnosis. Well, I'm excited now and it feels good! I'm going to enjoy it for a while. I've had enought disappointment in the past several months to last me for a while so I'm gonna drink this up while I can!
After we were baptized, I began to open my eyes and my heart to the ways that God is working in my life....in our lives. At least half a dozen times over the past two months a bible verse has been popping up EVERYWHERE! "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37) I found it highlighted in my great grandfathers bible that I've been reading. It was printed in a newspaper article about an infertile couple who had just received the miracle of adoption. My father in law said it when we were out to dinner one night and talking about our adoption plans. And the one that took the cake was when we went to the church where Bethany Christian Services held their orientation session, it was printed in ginormous letters on the back wall of the church!
I've been keeping this message close to my heart for a while and have come to realize that dropping that bible verse into my life here and there is His way of guiding me and letting me know that He's with me every step of the way. So now I'm wondering how long He's been pulling these sneaky little stunts and my heart just wasn't open enough to receive his presence. How many things in my life would have gone differently if I had been more aware that the Lord was with me?
I know, I know....I musn't dwell on the past. It just kind of makes you wonder. So after the meeting with Bethany Christian Services, DH and I had come home feeling kind of bummed. The whole process seemed like a lot of intrusion, a lot of expense, a lot of wait and still a chance that we're just setting ourself up for more heartache if the adoption fails. We just weren't sure if we were ready to put ourselves through any of the disappointments that would result in filling out that application for adoption.
I came home and immediately ran to the computer and went to the message boards on Babycenter.com. We had heard about embryo adoption, but I hadn't done a whole lot of research on it because we hadn't really considered it back when we were first diagnosed. Of course, the girls on babycenter never disappoint and they had a TON of information on their message board posts to start my research.
Now, I have a confession to make....I'm a blog stalker. If you're reading this, there's a good chance I've stalked your blog. Good news is, it gave me hope, inspiration, strength, information, etc., etc., etc. And for that I thank you! One blogger in particular had just had her FET done this past wednesday. The post from that day was the first one on her blog that I read on Thursday night. I came home after work on Friday and continued to read her entries. I quickly realized that this woman was going through the exact same situation that I was. Her hubby has Klinefelters but was spared all the physical manifestations. She's extremely devoted to God and open to follow his plan wherever that leads her. She reached out to her local office of Bethany Christian Services to persue infant adoption. The list goes on!
Needless to say, I was balling my eyes out reading her posts. I felt like God dropped this particular woman, with this particular blog, onto my PC to let me know that this was the way we were supposed to go. EA is the answer for us and the miracle we need to start our family. Sure, we still believe that all it would take is one touch of His hand and DH would start making spermies and we could get pregnant the old fashioned way, but while we're waiting for that miracle, the Lord is going to work through EA to provide for us now!
I guess my point is, for so many years I wondered why God wasn't "talking" to me or "guiding" me the way it seemed he was for so many others. I realize now (stupid, me!) that it wasn't God at all. He probably wasn't talking so much as screaming at me and I was just to wrapped up in the rest of my life to hear His voice. Since I've opened my heart to follow His path and dedicated more of my daily life to spending time with Him, I've come to realize that He's everywhere I turn and that realization has made this process exponentially easier!
So I've reached out to clinics all over the country and we have 2 consults set up in the first two weeks of February. I'm hoping the first one works out because it's closer to home and the staff that I've dealt with already were super super friendly! The second clinic isn't too far away but they have a bit of a wait for embies and I'd like to get this started ASAP. I told you in my last entry that the last time I was excited was right before the follow up appointment with the urologist when he told us the diagnosis. Well, I'm excited now and it feels good! I'm going to enjoy it for a while. I've had enought disappointment in the past several months to last me for a while so I'm gonna drink this up while I can!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I guess I should tell our story...
While I usually love to tell "Our Story" to whomever will listen, I will spare the details of our first meeting, courtship, engagement, wedding etc. So here's the Readers Digest version....We met in September 2003, started dating in December 2005, got engaged in March of 2007 and married in May of 2008. How's that for short and sweet?
As an only child, I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted a big family. While I was afforded countless opportunities growing up that I wouldn't have had if I had had siblings, I always longed for a live in companion and envied my friends that had siblings. The DH being one of two boys agreed with me and we'd talked about having at least four kids...maybe five. All boys and one girl at the end for good measure! Needless to say, I went off the pill right after the wedding and we stopped trying to prevent it but decided not to "try" until November.
If I knew then what I know now I would have bought stock in the company that makes the little cheapo pregnancy and ovulation predicting tests! I swear, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pee on a stick for one reason or another. That and temping every morning was making me a crazy person. Meanwhile, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant...some people even twice! For the longest time I was just this jealous, obsessed person because I just couldn't figure out why every other aspect of our lives was a fairytale but this.
When we finally hit that year and a half mark that they say you have to be "trying" for in order to begin fertility testing, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. She did blood work and ultrasounds and told me to have my DH go to his doctor and start getting tested as well. All of my tests came back fine. As it appeared there was nothing wrong with me. DH had blood work and a semen analysis done and we found out that his testosterone levels were low and he had ZERO sperm. Not a one! His primary care doctor referred us to a urologist and we scheduled an appointment.
The first visit with the urologist was eye opening for both of us. DH wanted me to go with him and it's kind of weird to be in the room while a man fondles your husbands bits! :) They did a testicular ultrasound right there in the office, took some blood and ordered a second SA from the fertility clinic in our area. People travel from all over the country to be treated at this clinic and the urologist assured us that if there was sperm in there...they would find it.
The urologist called to schedule the follow up appointment and I look back at how naive I was to think that they would just be able to give DH testosterone and that would jump start his sperm production and we'd be fine. That was the last time I was optimistic about anything in this journey. The urologist informed us that DH had a genetic disorder called Klinefelters. Instead of having an X and a Y sex chromosome, he has two Xs and a Y or XXY. The urologist was blown away by this diagnosis because usually it has more physical manifestations that DH didn't show at all. Men with Klinefelters can be tall and lanky (DH is tall, but not particularly lanky), rounder facial features, sparse facial hair, rounder hips and more developed breast tissue. They can also experience some learning difficulties growing up. Although he's 6'3" tall compared to the 5'8"-5'10" of the rest of the men in his family, DH didn't have any of these other physical features.
The urologist explained to us that there was a procedure that he could undergo to harvest sperm from DH, but that it was invasive and there was no guarantee that they would find anything and that he wouldn't pass this on to our children. He referred us to a genetic counselor and to a doctor at the fertility clinic that did the second SA. We cried in the parking lot that day.
The genetic counselor answered some questions for us and the doctor at the fertility clinic got us started on all the testing that we would need to use donor sperm to start our family. I had blood work, ultrasounds and an HSG done to determine that all my parts were in working order. We met with a social worker to determine that we were ready to handle having a child that wasn't biologically ours. We passed all this with flying colors and then DH told me that he wasn't comfortable with using donor sperm. I felt the life drain out of me for the next several months as the realization that I would never carry a child sunk in.
For some reason, mothers day wasn't as bad as fathers day last year. I actually broke down and started crying in church on fathers day when I thought about the fact that I would never make my daddy a grandfather. Being a daddy's girl, this broke my heart in a way that I can't begin to describe.
For the next couple months, I began to try to heal by occupying my time with school and taking on some new hobbies. The yearning never really went away but I was able to control my emotions a lot better and didn't run the risk of tears on a daily basis so much anymore. Through all of this, DH never opened up to anyone about how he was feeling. He didn't really have a best friend that he felt comfortable telling about our situation and wasn't really close to his brother either. I, on the other hand, have the most wonderfully supportive group of girlfriends ever and could count on any one of them to listen to me vent, cry, yell, etc.
During all of this DH and I finally settled down in a church and decided to make it our home. Prior to this we had been bouncing around and looking for a place that felt right to us. We kept coming back to the same place though. We decided to follow the Lords guidance and commit to serve him at this church. We were baptized on December 5th, 2010 and haven't looked back since. DH had grown up in non-denominational churches his whole life so this wasn't his first dunk! I, on the other hand, was raised Roman Catholic so this was a completely new experience for me, but one that forever changed me.
We started attending weekly bible study and Sunday school and spending time with the scripture and praying about where we are and where we want to be. During this time, DH decided to open up about our fertility struggles to a friend of the family who had a hand in bringing us back to Christ. When DH told him about our situation, he recommended Bethany Christian Services to us. His son had adopted a child through them and had a positive experience. We discussed it and thought that adoption might be a viable option for us and decided to get more information.
I contacted Bethany Christian Services in December of 2010 and signed up for there orientation session on January 20, 2o11. In the meantime, my father made some phone calls and found out that Catholic Charities does adoptions as well. We scheduled an appointment with them for April 2, 2011. Now that adoption was on the table, my father was on mission. He reached out to everyone he knew that could help us find an agency to go through or a baby that needed a home.
We went to the orientation meeting with Bethany last week and it was a complete information overload. I wondered if we were up for all of that. The home study alone scared the crap out of me and while DH and I are pretty awesome people, I don't know how we would stack up on paper compared to some of the other couples at this meeting. The social worker told us that Bethany only placed 10 babies in 2010. I think it's safe to assume that more than 10 babies were put up for adoption in our state last year so I left there determined to find the agency that all those other birth mothers used!
They told us that the average wait for an infant with their agency was two years and after she explained the laws regarding the birth parents changing their minds, we were unsure if this was the answer for us. It seemed like a lot of money to spend for a long wait and a very good chance of heartache. We weren't sure if there was any other way to start our family, but we were pretty sure that God wasn't leading us down this path.
So I feel like that gets us up to date on things and paints a pretty good picture of our journey through all of this, so far. Now, I'm new to blogging but I'm pretty sure that this has been an insanely long blog so if you're still with me, I appreciate it! There have been some positive developments in the past few days that I want to share, but I'll save that for the next entry in our story. It definitely does feel better to get this all out in one place and talk my way through it without expensive therapy!
As an only child, I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted a big family. While I was afforded countless opportunities growing up that I wouldn't have had if I had had siblings, I always longed for a live in companion and envied my friends that had siblings. The DH being one of two boys agreed with me and we'd talked about having at least four kids...maybe five. All boys and one girl at the end for good measure! Needless to say, I went off the pill right after the wedding and we stopped trying to prevent it but decided not to "try" until November.
If I knew then what I know now I would have bought stock in the company that makes the little cheapo pregnancy and ovulation predicting tests! I swear, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pee on a stick for one reason or another. That and temping every morning was making me a crazy person. Meanwhile, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant...some people even twice! For the longest time I was just this jealous, obsessed person because I just couldn't figure out why every other aspect of our lives was a fairytale but this.
When we finally hit that year and a half mark that they say you have to be "trying" for in order to begin fertility testing, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. She did blood work and ultrasounds and told me to have my DH go to his doctor and start getting tested as well. All of my tests came back fine. As it appeared there was nothing wrong with me. DH had blood work and a semen analysis done and we found out that his testosterone levels were low and he had ZERO sperm. Not a one! His primary care doctor referred us to a urologist and we scheduled an appointment.
The first visit with the urologist was eye opening for both of us. DH wanted me to go with him and it's kind of weird to be in the room while a man fondles your husbands bits! :) They did a testicular ultrasound right there in the office, took some blood and ordered a second SA from the fertility clinic in our area. People travel from all over the country to be treated at this clinic and the urologist assured us that if there was sperm in there...they would find it.
The urologist called to schedule the follow up appointment and I look back at how naive I was to think that they would just be able to give DH testosterone and that would jump start his sperm production and we'd be fine. That was the last time I was optimistic about anything in this journey. The urologist informed us that DH had a genetic disorder called Klinefelters. Instead of having an X and a Y sex chromosome, he has two Xs and a Y or XXY. The urologist was blown away by this diagnosis because usually it has more physical manifestations that DH didn't show at all. Men with Klinefelters can be tall and lanky (DH is tall, but not particularly lanky), rounder facial features, sparse facial hair, rounder hips and more developed breast tissue. They can also experience some learning difficulties growing up. Although he's 6'3" tall compared to the 5'8"-5'10" of the rest of the men in his family, DH didn't have any of these other physical features.
The urologist explained to us that there was a procedure that he could undergo to harvest sperm from DH, but that it was invasive and there was no guarantee that they would find anything and that he wouldn't pass this on to our children. He referred us to a genetic counselor and to a doctor at the fertility clinic that did the second SA. We cried in the parking lot that day.
The genetic counselor answered some questions for us and the doctor at the fertility clinic got us started on all the testing that we would need to use donor sperm to start our family. I had blood work, ultrasounds and an HSG done to determine that all my parts were in working order. We met with a social worker to determine that we were ready to handle having a child that wasn't biologically ours. We passed all this with flying colors and then DH told me that he wasn't comfortable with using donor sperm. I felt the life drain out of me for the next several months as the realization that I would never carry a child sunk in.
For some reason, mothers day wasn't as bad as fathers day last year. I actually broke down and started crying in church on fathers day when I thought about the fact that I would never make my daddy a grandfather. Being a daddy's girl, this broke my heart in a way that I can't begin to describe.
For the next couple months, I began to try to heal by occupying my time with school and taking on some new hobbies. The yearning never really went away but I was able to control my emotions a lot better and didn't run the risk of tears on a daily basis so much anymore. Through all of this, DH never opened up to anyone about how he was feeling. He didn't really have a best friend that he felt comfortable telling about our situation and wasn't really close to his brother either. I, on the other hand, have the most wonderfully supportive group of girlfriends ever and could count on any one of them to listen to me vent, cry, yell, etc.
During all of this DH and I finally settled down in a church and decided to make it our home. Prior to this we had been bouncing around and looking for a place that felt right to us. We kept coming back to the same place though. We decided to follow the Lords guidance and commit to serve him at this church. We were baptized on December 5th, 2010 and haven't looked back since. DH had grown up in non-denominational churches his whole life so this wasn't his first dunk! I, on the other hand, was raised Roman Catholic so this was a completely new experience for me, but one that forever changed me.
We started attending weekly bible study and Sunday school and spending time with the scripture and praying about where we are and where we want to be. During this time, DH decided to open up about our fertility struggles to a friend of the family who had a hand in bringing us back to Christ. When DH told him about our situation, he recommended Bethany Christian Services to us. His son had adopted a child through them and had a positive experience. We discussed it and thought that adoption might be a viable option for us and decided to get more information.
I contacted Bethany Christian Services in December of 2010 and signed up for there orientation session on January 20, 2o11. In the meantime, my father made some phone calls and found out that Catholic Charities does adoptions as well. We scheduled an appointment with them for April 2, 2011. Now that adoption was on the table, my father was on mission. He reached out to everyone he knew that could help us find an agency to go through or a baby that needed a home.
We went to the orientation meeting with Bethany last week and it was a complete information overload. I wondered if we were up for all of that. The home study alone scared the crap out of me and while DH and I are pretty awesome people, I don't know how we would stack up on paper compared to some of the other couples at this meeting. The social worker told us that Bethany only placed 10 babies in 2010. I think it's safe to assume that more than 10 babies were put up for adoption in our state last year so I left there determined to find the agency that all those other birth mothers used!
They told us that the average wait for an infant with their agency was two years and after she explained the laws regarding the birth parents changing their minds, we were unsure if this was the answer for us. It seemed like a lot of money to spend for a long wait and a very good chance of heartache. We weren't sure if there was any other way to start our family, but we were pretty sure that God wasn't leading us down this path.
So I feel like that gets us up to date on things and paints a pretty good picture of our journey through all of this, so far. Now, I'm new to blogging but I'm pretty sure that this has been an insanely long blog so if you're still with me, I appreciate it! There have been some positive developments in the past few days that I want to share, but I'll save that for the next entry in our story. It definitely does feel better to get this all out in one place and talk my way through it without expensive therapy!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Well, we see how well that worked...
So I wrote back in July that I would keep up with this blogging thing and we see how well I did with that! As soon as I wrote that first post, I questioned how my husband would feel about me airing our business on the Internet. As I've been blindly feeling my way through the challenges of the past couple months, I've realized that no one needs to know who we are and this is therapeutic for me. And Lord knows, I need all the help I can get!
So I've decided to keep up with this, or at least try, because things are about to get pretty exciting for us soon! At least I'm praying for some excitement! I feel like this will be a good way to tell our story so that, hopefully, we can help other couples going through the same or similar situations. I've found so much strength and inspiration in the blogs about infertility that I've followed and I'm hoping that mine will offer some inspiration to someone else and if not, at least some information.
So this is the first day of the new blog...I swear! I'll need a place to keep my thoughts and feelings straight and preserve our fairytale for posterity! This is the place!
So I've decided to keep up with this, or at least try, because things are about to get pretty exciting for us soon! At least I'm praying for some excitement! I feel like this will be a good way to tell our story so that, hopefully, we can help other couples going through the same or similar situations. I've found so much strength and inspiration in the blogs about infertility that I've followed and I'm hoping that mine will offer some inspiration to someone else and if not, at least some information.
So this is the first day of the new blog...I swear! I'll need a place to keep my thoughts and feelings straight and preserve our fairytale for posterity! This is the place!
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