For as long as I can remember, I've never been able to understand when people said that the Lord spoke to them or the Holy Spirit guided them. Sure I believe in the power of prayer and that all things happen because they are a part of God's design, but I had never experienced any sort of divine intervention that would lead me to believe that the Lord was speaking directly to little ol' me.
After we were baptized, I began to open my eyes and my heart to the ways that God is working in my life....in our lives. At least half a dozen times over the past two months a bible verse has been popping up EVERYWHERE! "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37) I found it highlighted in my great grandfathers bible that I've been reading. It was printed in a newspaper article about an infertile couple who had just received the miracle of adoption. My father in law said it when we were out to dinner one night and talking about our adoption plans. And the one that took the cake was when we went to the church where Bethany Christian Services held their orientation session, it was printed in ginormous letters on the back wall of the church!
I've been keeping this message close to my heart for a while and have come to realize that dropping that bible verse into my life here and there is His way of guiding me and letting me know that He's with me every step of the way. So now I'm wondering how long He's been pulling these sneaky little stunts and my heart just wasn't open enough to receive his presence. How many things in my life would have gone differently if I had been more aware that the Lord was with me?
I know, I know....I musn't dwell on the past. It just kind of makes you wonder. So after the meeting with Bethany Christian Services, DH and I had come home feeling kind of bummed. The whole process seemed like a lot of intrusion, a lot of expense, a lot of wait and still a chance that we're just setting ourself up for more heartache if the adoption fails. We just weren't sure if we were ready to put ourselves through any of the disappointments that would result in filling out that application for adoption.
I came home and immediately ran to the computer and went to the message boards on Babycenter.com. We had heard about embryo adoption, but I hadn't done a whole lot of research on it because we hadn't really considered it back when we were first diagnosed. Of course, the girls on babycenter never disappoint and they had a TON of information on their message board posts to start my research.
Now, I have a confession to make....I'm a blog stalker. If you're reading this, there's a good chance I've stalked your blog. Good news is, it gave me hope, inspiration, strength, information, etc., etc., etc. And for that I thank you! One blogger in particular had just had her FET done this past wednesday. The post from that day was the first one on her blog that I read on Thursday night. I came home after work on Friday and continued to read her entries. I quickly realized that this woman was going through the exact same situation that I was. Her hubby has Klinefelters but was spared all the physical manifestations. She's extremely devoted to God and open to follow his plan wherever that leads her. She reached out to her local office of Bethany Christian Services to persue infant adoption. The list goes on!
Needless to say, I was balling my eyes out reading her posts. I felt like God dropped this particular woman, with this particular blog, onto my PC to let me know that this was the way we were supposed to go. EA is the answer for us and the miracle we need to start our family. Sure, we still believe that all it would take is one touch of His hand and DH would start making spermies and we could get pregnant the old fashioned way, but while we're waiting for that miracle, the Lord is going to work through EA to provide for us now!
I guess my point is, for so many years I wondered why God wasn't "talking" to me or "guiding" me the way it seemed he was for so many others. I realize now (stupid, me!) that it wasn't God at all. He probably wasn't talking so much as screaming at me and I was just to wrapped up in the rest of my life to hear His voice. Since I've opened my heart to follow His path and dedicated more of my daily life to spending time with Him, I've come to realize that He's everywhere I turn and that realization has made this process exponentially easier!
So I've reached out to clinics all over the country and we have 2 consults set up in the first two weeks of February. I'm hoping the first one works out because it's closer to home and the staff that I've dealt with already were super super friendly! The second clinic isn't too far away but they have a bit of a wait for embies and I'd like to get this started ASAP. I told you in my last entry that the last time I was excited was right before the follow up appointment with the urologist when he told us the diagnosis. Well, I'm excited now and it feels good! I'm going to enjoy it for a while. I've had enought disappointment in the past several months to last me for a while so I'm gonna drink this up while I can!
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