We have a dot....

After I had the pains last week, they did an ultrasound and sent me home with no pictures and orders to come back on Friday for another scan.  I was 5 weeks 5 days when this was taken and the doctor said I was measuring right on track although no heartbeat was visible yet.  He assured me not to worry because everything looks good.  Easier said than done!  We have another appointment tomorrow morning to check for a heartbeat and we'll be 6 weeks 5 days so we're keep our fingers crossed.  This is going to be such a nerve-wracking couple months but I know this is in the Lords hands and we continue to pray for this little one daily.  Hope to update with good news tomorrow!

BETA update...

I've been scarce, I know, but I'm wrapping up my fall semester and got back on night shifts so my days have been full of sleep!  

I went on Wednesday for BETA #2 and our results sent me in a panic....274.4.  That was only a 66% increase in 48 hours.  I was worried but our nurse said that was the low end of the normal range that they wanted to see.  We said some prayers and had another draw on Friday that came back at 617.8.  That's more than double in 48 hours so we breathed a little tiny sigh of relief.  Our nurse said they wanted me back today for another draw to make sure it was above 1000 and we went in this morning.

I had started having some right sided pain on Saturday and, of course, my mind immediately jumps to ectopic.  After my blood draw I told the nurse about it and they did a quick ultrasound.  There was a little black dot right in my uterus where they want it so the doctor gave us an early congratulations.  

The nurse called later this afternoon with my BETA numbers...1540 which she was happy with.  I had originally had my first ultrasound scheduled for Monday which would have been 6 weeks 1 day, but she wanted to move it up to Friday to check for a heartbeat because I had the pain.  I'm not really sure the logic behind that but maybe it's just to put my mind at ease.

I still worry and I know I shouldn't.  I don't think I'll actually calm down until I can feel him/her move or at least pick up a heart beat on my home doppler.  I know I'll breathe a little easier after Fridays ultrasound but this process never gets easier after a loss.  

We appreciate all the prayers and kind words of encouragement and I'm finding it so exciting that almost all the blogs I follow are celebrating BFPs as well!  

We're in constant prayer that this little one holds on for the long haul, but we are so grateful to have made it this far!

It's really happening...again...

With previous attempts at getting pregnant I always say, I'm not going to test.  And then I always do.  I chose not to lie to myself this time and planned to start testing on Thanksgiving at 11dpIUI.  I caved and tested on Wednesday night and got a super faint positive.  Well....that positive has gotten darker over the last few days and our greatest hopes were confirmed with a BETA today of 166 at 15dpIUI!!!  We are over the moon excited but trying to remain cautiously optimistic because the pain of our loss is fresh in our minds and hearts.  

Bill didn't even want to tell our parents until 12 weeks but mine already knew we had gone for another IUI, his didn't.  I've convinced him to tell them and the pastors and deacons at our church and wait to reveal to the rest of the world until after the first trimester.  I had to tell my boss, but only because as a nurse there are certain patients I should avoid caring for if I'm pregnant and the charge nurses will need to make assignments accordingly.  While it was kind of a burden telling everyone about our loss last time, I can't say that it really added to our pain.  I'm sure it would have hurt just as bad if we had to suffer through it alone.  If he decides that he's comfortable with letting the cat out of the bag sooner then I'm okay with it.  I figure the more people we allow to share in our joy the better and I don't want to be any less joyful for this baby than we were for Grace.  Besides, each person who is praising God for our joy will be there to pray for us in our sorrow should the Lord decide that this isn't our take home baby.  

While I knew in my head and my heart that He could make this happen for us, I'm still in awe that He did.  I'm so grateful for this gift and hope that I get to hold this little angel in August of 2014!!

IUI #3...

We got the pathology results back from our miscarriage last month and were told our little girl had Turner's Syndrome.  Our RE explained that this is the most common explanation for first trimester loss and there is no reason to think that it would happen again.  It was just a coincidence.  Having that knowledge made it clear to us that the Lord was saving us in a way.  I don't mean to sound harsh with that statement, but it's almost as if He wanted to spare us from a lifetime of raising a child that could have health problems with the potential to cause us more pain.  It was His grace that spared us from that pain even if it meant experiencing the pain of loss that we felt at 10 weeks.  Because we could see His grace throughout this whole process, we decided to name our baby Grace Elizabeth.  We wanted to be able to call her by name when we see her in heaven someday.

My cycle started almost 4 weeks to the day from the date of our first D&C and our RE said we were cleared to move forward.  My schedule has been Monday through Friday since I started the RN residency program at the hospital but my clinical educators and my boss were very accommodating in allowing me time off if needed.  We buried my great uncle at Arlington on Tuesday and since I got off work that day for the funeral, I was able to swing by Fairfax and pick up the tank and drop it off at the REs office on the way home.  

I went in for monitoring yesterday and they said I have a 10.5mm lining and a 25mm follicle on the right.  The nurse called yesterday afternoon and said estrogen was 300 and LH was 26.  I'm only recording these numbers here so I have some basis for comparison in the future because I don't think I've ever been told these results.  Anyway, after the doctor review my results they wanted to see me today instead of tomorrow.  I triggered last night and we went for our IUI at 2:30 today.  All went well and our post wash count was 11 million.  It only takes one, right?  

We go for blood work on December 2nd and I'm hoping to stay busy with the residency program until then.  I'm not even going to pretend that I won't cave and test early this time.  I know I'll do it so I make no promises.  

I started the St. Gerard novena last night and we prayed to him on the way down to the REs office.  I even said some Hail Marys as I was lying on the table.  I've gotten to the point with prayers that I'm just saying "Lord, you know what's in my heart."  It's almost like I can't put into words what I want to say, but I know I don't have to.  He knows and that's all that matters.  

D&C round 2...

Monday brought some cramping that, to be honest, I just thought was gas, although I wasn't passing any gas.  It got worse Tuesday and Wednesday.  I came home from work, sat down for about an hour to work on some homework and when I stood up to get ready for Bible study I felt myself passing some clots.  I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes and they just kept coming....like 10 of them!  I thought they had stopped and we headed down to church.  I was sitting in Bible study for about an hour and when I stood up, I could feel the clots coming again.  I passed another dozen or so in the bathroom at church and then we headed home.  It was a 10 minute drive to our house and by the time I stood up to get out of the car they were coming again.  I took a shower, passed a few while I was in there and then the bright red bleeding started.  Throughout all this clot passing and bleeding, I was cramping so severely I was doubled over in pain.  I got out of the shower and paged the on call for my OB and waited for his call.  

A Dr. Solomon called back and I explained our situation.  His concern was retained tissue and the risk of infection so he wanted me to come into the ER to be checked out.  We arrived at the hospital around 10:30 that night and were taken back right away.  They started an IV, took some blood for a blood typing and CBC and started some IV fluids.  They sent me for an ultrasound which showed that my uterus was clear but there was something in my cervix.  Dr. Solomon couldn't tell from ultrasound if it was retained tissue or a clot.  He did a pelvic exam and said that my uterus was still measuring about 10 weeks and he was concerned that it hadn't started to go back down to pre-pregnancy size.  The pelvic exam caused a lot of pain which also caused him some concern.  He said that if my pelvic exam had been benign and my hematocrit hadn't dropped since last week, he would have given me the Cytotec and sent me home to pass the clot/tissue at home, but given the circumstances he recommended another D&C to ensure that we got all the tissue and reduce the risk of infection.  

We were taken back to the OR at around 4:00am on Thursday.  Everything went well and he said that it was, in fact, some retained tissue so it's a good thing we went ahead with the D&C.  He sent me home on Methergine so that my uterus would contract back down to size and an antibiotic just to be safe.  I have had very minimal bleeding in contrast to last weeks procedure which makes me feel better that everything is healing well.  I have had some cramping from the methergine, but I took my last dose of that today so that should ease up.  All and all, I feel confident that calling the on call and getting checked out was the right thing to do.

Bill was unbelievably supportive as always and has taken such good care of me.  I think it's tough for him to see me hurting and he feels so helpless.  Hopefully this is over and we can start to heal and think about moving forward.  Silver lining...I get to follow up with Dr. Solomon in two weeks rather than see that awful doctor next week.  Our REs office said that we can have my blood levels monitored through their office and I'll do my first one next week.  My levels were in the 150s at the hospital yesterday which I hope means that we will back to zero by the time my next cycle starts.  

I pray that we're following the path that the Lord has laid out for us and if that, at any point, we stray from that path, He will make that known and lead us appropriately.  This journey has been far from easy but we have faith in Him and His plan and know that He will provide in His time.  

Making a bad situation worse...

Since the doctor who did our ultrasound and gave us the bad news on Tuesday wouldn't be doing our D&C yesterday, I had to meet with that doctor on Thursday.  Without going into detail because I don't really want to remember the way he made me feel, this guy was horrible!  I've never felt so bullied and belittled by a medical "professional" in all my life.  He spoke to me like some stupid child and not a women who was suffering a miscarriage.  I left the office in tears and dreaded having to see this man the next day.  My initial experiences at the hospital were wonderful and the beginning of my  conversation with him was actually ok and I thought maybe he was just having an off day on Thursday and then he started again.  By the time he finally went away and my nurse came in to start my IV I was balling again.  Aside from him being a wretched individual, the whole experience went as well as can be expected.  My nursing staff was wonderful!  The nurse who came in to start my IV and do my pre-op assessment gave me a bracelet with a butterfly on it in honor of our baby and a packet with information on grief counseling that they offer at the hospital.  She dried my tears caused by that nasty doctor and walked me through the process.  My OR nurse and anesthesiologist were wonderful and the nurses and techs in PACU were amazing as well.  It has definitely made me feel more confident in my choice of hospitals to deliver at but I will be researching a new OB practice.  

Yesterday I was pretty crampy and light headed.  Bill took care of me and watched the clock to give me my meds on time and even woke me up at 3am to give me another dose.  The doctor said he expected me to bleed more than others because I hadn't started bleeding on my own prior to the procedure, but it hasn't been anything unbearable at all.  I called and left a message for our nurse at the REs office and asked if I could have my HCG levels monitored through them instead of having to deal with that OB practice again.  Hopefully I'll hear back from her on Monday.  

We had the doctor send tissue samples to the lab in hopes that our RE could garner some information from the results that may help us for next time and the doctor said they could determine the sex of the baby from those samples and if we didn't want to know then we needed to tell our RE.  I'm struggling with this decision because I realize that we'll see this child again someday and I would like him/her to have a name, but I worry that that knowledge might make it more painful.  They said results could take ten days so we have some time to figure it out.  

As for trying again, I've read that there's a fertile window after a miscarriage that lasts only a cycle or two so I think we're going to try again as soon as the RE says it's ok which should be when I get my first period after the D&C.  That's assuming we're emotionally ready which I feel like we will be.  God's grace has lessened the sting of this pain considerably and while it's still there, I don't find myself crying constantly.  With each disappointment we've had along this journey, He has comforted us in a way I never knew possible and for that I am most grateful.  While I still mourn the loss of this child, I know that He has another one waiting for us and we'll meet our angel baby in heaven one day.  These thoughts make this almost bearable.

A different kind of hurt...

We went for our first OB appointment after being released from our RE yesterday.  She did cultures and then a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed my darkest of fears....our baby had died about two weeks prior.  There was no heartbeat and our little one was measuring at 8 weeks and we should have been 10.  I can't explain the ominous feeling I had going into yesterdays appointment and I only ever mentioned it to the Facebook group that was created for women due the same week as me from the What to Expect app. They all told me to think positive and that it was just our history that had me feeling like something was wrong.  Our pastor told us yesterday that that was just the Lord whispering to me to prepare me for what was to come.  I really wish he would have yelled.  I wish I would have started bleeding so I wouldn't have had to come to the realization that I was miscarrying while staring at an ultrasound screen showing my already deceased little one.  I wish I didn't have that doctors voice in my head say "I'm so sorry, but we don't have a heartbeat."  I wish my body could have started this process at home rather than blindsiding me at what was supposed to be a happy appointment.

I'm really struggling to understand why this happened.  Of course, Bill and I are both playing the blame game.  He blames himself for stressing me out and because he needs weekly testosterone injections that I have to give him which are potentially harmful to the baby if I come in contact with the medication.  I blame myself for missing that extra folic acid supplement, for switching to night shift at work and throwing off my sleep pattern, for worrying that something was going to go wrong.  I just naively thought that we were exempt from miscarriage because we had struggled so much to get pregnant.  That the Lord wouldn't add insult to injury and have us go through that.  I'm struggling now to figure out what the lesson is in all of this.  What good is supposed to come of this?  Are we going through this for a purpose?  The only explanation that I can come up with is that this happened to draw us closer to God and to our church.  We've been so caught up with life, school, home buying, etc. that we aren't as involved as we were in the past with church activities and I feel drawn back into it now.  If a closer relationship to our Lord is the silver lining to this cloud than I'm 100% okay with that.  

I've returned all the pregnancy books I borrowed from the library and I'm packing all the maternity clothes I bought at Goodwill away today.  I haven't decided what to do with the memories of this baby.  The journal and pregnancy calendar I started, the onesies that the grandparents bought, the keepsakes that we've picked up over the past few weeks, the ultrasound pictures of our little angel.  Do I box them up and save them?  Will it ever stop hurting enough to look at them again?  Will I ever want to?  Or do I just toss them all in the trash and try to move past this?  I am comforted in knowing that I will someday meet this little one in heaven but that comfort isn't enough to keep the tears away today.

Our D&C is scheduled for Friday morning and the doctor who will be doing it wants to see me in the office tomorrow afternoon.  I already spoke to our RE's nurse who said that after the procedure they will monitor my HCG levels until they're back to zero and then we can try again with my next cycle.  Will I be ready to?  Will this hurt go away?  And if we are blessed enough to get pregnant again, when will it be okay to get excited?  When does the worry of miscarriage stop?  I'm so afraid of missing out on enjoying the early weeks and the joy of being pregnant because I'm terrified of loss.  

I'm told that this pain will lessen with time and that when we're finally holding our rainbow baby, the pain will be bearable.  I find hope and comfort in that thought and will continue to take it one day at a time until then.  

Ultrasound #2 8 weeks 3 days...

The Little Minion is growing fast and furious!!  Heart rate today was 171 and doctor said we're measuring right on target for a EDD of 4/27/14!  We've officially "graduated" to our OB and will have our first prenatal appointment on October 1st including another ultrasound!  We're gonna have an album full of this child before he/she even makes their appearance!  I'm still in absolute awe and wonder of this little miracle and can't wait to spend the next 7 months becoming better acquainted!  God is so very good!!

Most beautiful blob in the world...

...Officially introducing our "Little Minion"!!  This is the first picture of our little miracle at  6 weeks 2 days.  I told Bill it looks like I swallowed an engagement ring!  We got to see the heartbeat but our doctor said that doppler is a higher frequency wave than ultrasound and the jury is still out on the effects on baby of those higher waves.  They measured the little flicker at 106 beats per minute which he was happy with.  Honestly, we could have stayed there and watched that screen all day.  It was, by far, the most amazing thing I have ever seen.  Doctor wants us back in two weeks for another ultrasound and then he'll release us to our OB!!  Next picture update will be on September 18th! 

I just can't wrap my head around how great God is!

Beta #3...

...1760!!  We're tripling in 48 hours!  I had to do this blood draw at work since I worked 6:30am-7:00pm and couldn't get to the RE's office.  I went down to medical records and got a copy so I actually knew before my RE did!  They called when they got the results and schedule our first ultrasound for September 3rd at 8:00am.  

I'm five weeks and 3 days today and aside form sore breasts off and on and waves of nausea, I don't really have any symptoms.  I did start having some cramping & pressure over the past few days, but the What to Expect book says that's okay as long as there's no bleeding.  

We're still cautiously optimistic and praying that God sustains this pregnancy and our little bit grows strong and healthy for the next 8 months!  I'll feel infinitely better after the ultrasound...only 1 more week!

Beta #2....

....Drumroll, please.....528!!!  That's more than double my 177 from Monday!  It looks like Little Bit is sticking around!  I'll repeat blood work on Friday and after they get those results we'll schedule the first ultrasound.  I just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!  God is so very good!!!

Beta Today...

...and I've been up since 4:00!  I know I didn't update after our IUI #2, but my summer classes were ridiculously time consuming!!  I just wrapped them up last week and have a week to relax before fall semester starts.  

IUI #2 went off without a hitch.  It ended up falling on a Sunday so we had to go to our RE's office in Rockville, MD which was a bit farther away than our usual Annapolis location, but Bill and I enjoyed the ride together and since it fell on a Sunday, he got to be there too!  Post wash count was 14 million which was double the last time if my memory serves me correctly.  

As far as symptoms go these past few weeks, the only thing that was new and unusual was back pain.  I really never get back pain during that time of the month and I thought that was weird.  I started testing on Friday morning...when I didn't see the line showing up right away, I tossed it in the trash.  When I woke up an hour later I swore I saw a line.  Tested again Saturday morning-definitely a line and a little darker.  Sunday morning- darker line that came up quicker!  Sunday evening- even darker and quicker!  I bought two First Response tests because the other ones were dollar tree cheapies and low and behold we got a super dark, super quick second line with that one!!  

We went for blood work at 7:15 and then to the gym.  We met my parents at Bob Evans for breakfast after the gym and decided to tell them.  My mom was waiting to go to the beach until she heard results and we knew it would be positive we just weren't sure how positive so we went ahead and told them.  They were thrilled and cried, of course!  Next stop was to drop flowers off to MIL with a card that read "I love you, Grandmom!  Love, Baby Buddy" (Bill and I call each other Buddy so this nickname seemed appropriate).  She squealed and cried so I'm sure the whole bank branch she works at knows.  Then we were off to my FIL's shop.  We had bought a little camo onesie and I asked him if he could have it embroidered with the shop logo and "Grandad's Little Buddy".  He just stared at me for a minute and said "That's a good thing, right??  That's good????"  

Our REs office called around 12:00 with results and said our BETA was 177 at 15 dpiui!!  They said they wanted it between 75 and 100 so they were very happy with 177!!  We have blood work again on Wednesday and Friday to make sure the numbers are rising and first ultrasound will be scheduled after we get those results.  

I really don't think it's sunk in yet.  I've been getting faint positives for 4 days and all I can do is pray that this little baby keeps growing strong.  I know it's still super, super early but I can't help but be optimistic this time!  God is soooooo good!!!

IUI #2...

...Well, yesterday was day 1 and I contacted my nurse to get this ball rolling again.  She's having me come in for monitoring on August 3rd and, hopefully, do the IUI the following day.

I think Bill is really excited again.  When he noticed that my cycle had started he made sure to remind me to e-mail the doctors office and let them know so we can get the IUI scheduled.  My cousin just had her baby a few weeks ago and I think it got his paternal clock ticking even louder.  I just turned 31 yesterday and he'll be 38 in two weeks so we really do need to get busy, so to speak.  

On an unrelated note, I passed my nursing boards and am now, officially, a registered nurse!  I'm hoping that now that the stress of nursing school and boards is over, we'll be successful with this next cycle.  I'm hopeful that this will be our time, but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic.  

Back again....

...in that place where it seems like this will never happen for us.  I had my beta this morning and although I haven't gotten the results, I'm 99% sure it's negative.  I started cramping on Monday, caved in and tested Monday evening and Tuesday morning (both negative) and my temp dropped this morning.  My RN said they would call before 1:00 this afternoon.  

The worst part of this is that for those first 1.5 - 2 years that we were trying, I was convinced it was me.  Then we found out that our problems lies on his end.  Now with two failed FETs and one failed IUI, it's me again.  My body is the one that isn't working.  I wonder if it would be better to know that it never would than to keep hoping that our outcome would change?  

Nursing school pinning is this evening and I'm going to try and focus on the success of that rather than the failure of this.  I just wish I new The Plan...

What a day...

...Most exciting news of today...I PASSED MY FINAL!!!  I've officially passed nursing school!!  The sense of relief that I feel right now is indescribable!!

In baby news...I had my IUI this morning and compared to my previous FETs this was a walk in the park.  Our post wash count was 7 million which the doctor said was good.  I've read mixed opinions about that on different websites, but if the doctor said it's good then that's what I'm going to go with.  Bill wasn't able to go with me today (one of the set backs of being a small business owner), but Mom went with me and I think it meant a lot to her to be there.  We were in and out in 20 minutes and the painless procedure only took 5 minutes.  I think that trigger shot is causing a lot of twinges, cramps and overall weirdness in my uterine region so it'll be hard to decipher those from pregnancy symptoms if this ends up being successful.

I've decided to completely turn this over to God.  I realize that I would have to test everyday to see when the trigger was out of my system and then wait for a "real" positive.  All of that is a lot of headache that I don't want to put myself through.  If this is meant to be, it will be and if not we'll regroup and move on.  I go for my beta on the 29th which is the day of my nursing school pinning so, hopefully that will be another great day to remember!

So tomorrow it is...

...Busy, busy, busy day today!!  I had my appointment this morning for blood work and ultrasound at 7:00, then on to school for my grand rounds presentation, then to pick up Dad, then to Fairfax to pick up what Bill has been referring to as "his little sailors" (get it, semen...seamen...sailors...), then to drop them off in Annapolis, then home to study for my final!

The alarm went off at 4:40 for me to take my temperature and it was still at baseline so no ovulation yet.  I took an OPK this morning that came up positive so I had an LH surge.  The ultrasound showed one "beautiful" 21mm follicle on my right ovary.  My nurse had me set up my appointment for Wednesday, but called after the blood work came back to tell me to move it up to Tuesday.  I did my trigger shot at 8:15 and I'm hitting the hay early.  So tomorrow it is!!  I haven't even bought any tests yet because I think I'm going to turn this one over to God in every sense of the words.  Part of me wants to prepare myself for a negative, but the other part of me just wants to have faith in Him and trust His plan.  Who knows if I'll cave next week, but for now that's where I am with it.  Leaving it all in His hands!

We just saved a ton of money...

...I got an email yesterday from our cryobank saying that they now offer local pick up.  We purchased sperm from Cryogenic Laboratories, Inc, which is based out of Minnesota, but they were bought by Fairfax Cryobank which is only about an hour away.  I called CLI yesterday to ask if there was any way to ship our entire storage supply to Fairfax so we could have it available for local pick up.  The wonderful customer service representative that I dealt with said that she was pretty sure they could but she would double check and call me back today to confirm.  She called and said that not only would they be able to do it, but they would do it for free!!  So all 12 vials of our sperm are en route to Fairfax for storage.  This saves us about $190 in shipping costs per cycle!

I have my blood work and ultrasound on Monday, my final presentation at school, and then I'm going to pick my daddy up and we're going to ride down there and "pick up the grandkids" as he says.  We'll drop them off at the doctors office on the way home and we'll be all set for Tuesday morning if they trigger me Monday night.  I know it's probably weird that I'm taking my dad to pick up sperm, but my parents have been so insanely supportive through all this and I like to make them a part of the process when I can.  Bill will take me down for the actual IUI so I figured it'd be nice to have dad help run this little errand.

We're getting so close and I'm really, really trying not to get my hopes.  It's not working out well!

Moving right along...

I just got home from my final day of clinical for nursing school!!  I take my final on Tuesday and then I'm officially finished!!...this degree anyway!  ;)  I can't tell you what a huge weight that will be off my shoulders when I'm finally done and can start my career!  

In baby-making news, I ovulated late last month which kinda messed up my plans for moving forward with my June cycle so we decided to go for it in May...AAAHHH!!!  May...Like next week May!!  My RE usually has patients come in on day 12 for US and blood work, but I explained to my nurse that I'd been temping and OPKing and I'm usually ovulating around day 16-19.  She said she'll bring me in on day 14 (Monday) and check things out and we'll go from there.  I'm off all next week with plans of going to the beach Thursday through Sunday so it's looking to be a busy week! 

On the home front, we've started to pack up the house to move.  Bill's grandfather passed away suddenly in April and his parents have no intentions of selling his house.  They've offered to let us live there while we sell ours and begin building our new dream home.  This is such an extraordinarily generous offer and while it'll be a little inconvenient for a while, it will save us THOUSANDS in the long run.  We've started working with a builder and are putting our feelers out for a lender who can do a construction-mortgage loan.  

All that being said, these next few weeks/months are going to be busy, busy, busy!!  Graduating from nursing school, moving forward with IUI plans, starting the residency at my hospital, and hopefully, breaking ground on our forever home!!  Oh, and did I mention that I signed up for summer classes for my bachelor's program??  I've redefined crazy!

It's real now...

I just got off  the phone with the sperm bank and we now have 12 vials in storage.  I feel like I'm going to puke.  It's actually happening.  For some reason, this choice was much harder than choosing embryos and I'm not quite sure why.  I really struggled with the anonymity of our donor, but he was just so perfect in every other aspect and I kept coming back to him so I'm hoping that was divine intervention.  

I went to the RE yesterday for day 3 blood work and ultrasound and they also drew my genetic testing labs and sent them off.  The tech who did my ultrasound said that my ovaries are "beautiful".  I can't tell you how many compliments I've gotten on my reproductive organs and I'm always at a loss for words and end up saying "um, thanks?".  I really need to come up with a witty retort seeing as how I, apparently, have some exceptional baby-making parts!  

I got a call yesterday afternoon that all my hormone levels were good and they said I could call by the end of the week to find out about the other results.  The genetic testing is run by a company called Counsyl and I won't have results from that for about two weeks.  I spoke to the nurse yesterday and she said there wasn't anything stopping me from ordering the sperm now so I went ahead and called.  They offered a "CLI Club" which cost $195, but gave us $100 off of our order and 2 free vials.  They also offer a buy back program so if we don't need all the vials that we've purchased, we can sell them back to the sperm bank at 50% of the purchase price.  All in all, I'm excited.  Extremely nervous, but excited.  

HSG...

So, I had my HSG appointment today and everything looked "wonderful"!  I had the same radiologist that did my last one and she remembered me enough to ask how our journey was going.  This procedure is, by far, the easiest one that I have to endure!

I also called our nurse today to let her know that I had my HSG, that my annual PAP smear appointment is next wednesday and that I'll do my day 3 blood work during my next cycle.  DH and I talked about when to move forward and we've agreed to give it a shot in between my nursing school final and the internship starting (around the first week in June if my FF calendar is correct).  That being said...the search for a donor continues.  

We found one that we like at Cryogenic Laboratories, which is affiliated with Fairfax Cryobank.  Their prices are lower and they offer access to the donor profiles for free.  The only issue with him is that he wishes to remain anonymous.  Other than that, he's perfect.  I'm wondering if this is a subtle whisper that this is the route we should choose.  Fairfax is offering unlimited access to donor profiles for one week during the month of March so I'm planning on finding a bunch that I like, adding them to my favorites and signing up for that free week to download all of their profiles.  

We also have the debate about how many vials to purchase.  We'd like genetic siblings so I'm leaning towards purchasing in bulk and storing it at the cryobank.  They offer free storage for 2 years with a purchase of 8+ vials.  I think I'd rather go that route than risk not having our donor be available when we're ready to try again.  Another blogger that I follow recently signed up for gofundme.com and, I have to admit, I'm thinking about it.  Although my parents have graciously offered to help us pursue this dream, I'd almost rather take the "it takes a village" approach.  That being said, I know the bulk of our donations would come from family and friends which would involve us putting our whole story out there and I'm not certain that DH would go for that.  Plus, then there's the issue of everyone knowing that your child is the product of donor sperm and someone letting something slip before your ready to explain things to him/her.  We plan on being 100% honest with our children, but we want them to find out on our terms.  

There's so much to think about and so much planning that needs to take place in order for all this to work out, but I know it will all be worth it...in His time.  Just think, everyone else just gets to have sex to have a baby!

Possible donor...

I know I've been scarce lately, but I've been checking in frequently to check on all my blogger friends.  Especially Diane from Snowflakes in the Rain whose story of resilience and strength is so amazing to me.  As I'm trudging through my final semester of nursing school, I find myself with very little time to search through the endless profiles of donors out there.  I was doing some ironing today and watching A Baby Story and that prompted me to check the cryobanks website and see if any new donors appeared.

I found one that I'm pretty excited about, but he's an anonymous donor.  Since we realized that we were going to have to use a donor, I've wanted to find someone who was comfortable with being contacted by our children if they chose to reach out.  This donor meets all of our criteria except that.  And in all reality, that's not one of "our" criteria.  It's more mine.  DH would rather this be a completely anonymous donor.  I understand his feelings and I have no desire to know this man, but I want my child to have the option of knowing him, if they want.  I have no idea how we are going to have this conversation with our children when the time comes, but I don't want that anonymity to make this any harder for our kids.  I guess I'll have to leave this one in the Lord's hands and see where He leads.

As for an update...we did meet with our RE on February 5th to discuss our options and see what testing would need to be repeated since our attempts with embryo adoption in 2011.  Their requirements are a lot easier than our previous clinic and I'll just need to repeat the HSG and day 3 blood work as well as a new genetic test that they now have available to screen for Fragile X.

We met with the financial counselor there who told us that there was a chance that insurance wouldn't cover the IUI because we were using donor sperm, but that they would submit anyway and see.  She called a few days later to tell us that insurance would, in fact, cover the procedure, but not the cost of the sperm (which we expected).  While paying out of pocket for this wouldn't be nearly as costly as the embryo adoption, it's still a huge weight off our shoulders knowing that they'll cover our first 3 attempts.

I've been doing OPKs and temping each morning and have narrowed down my ovulation schedule, but will probably still do the monitored cycle as opposed to monitoring myself at home.  We'll save the DIY cycles for when the insurance runs out!  ;)  I plan to do the blood work and HSG during my next cycle if my work and school schedule permits and then we'll be ready to go.  I have a brief break between my final exam in nursing school and the internship starting at my hospital.  The plan is to squeeze in a cycle sometime between May 14th (the day I take my final) and July 1st (internship starts).  The first few weeks of the internship will be Monday-Friday and it will be next to impossible to get to the RE's office for an IUI.  If that cycle isn't successful, then we'll give it another shot in the fall once I'm finished the internship.

I must say...I'm feeling better about things now that we have a plan!  Just wish I could hit fast forward through the next couple months, but I know it'll be here before I know it.

This is OUR struggle, not just yours or mine...

I know that I've neglected to share a few bits of information over the past few weeks, but in light of recent events, I think I should....I'm surrounded by pregnant women.  Roughly 13 women that I work with are pregnant or just had their babies, our tenant is pregnant, and my 24 year-old (the next one in line after me) cousin is pregnant.  Needless to say I'm not handling this well.

The girls at work are bearable because there are other things to occupy my thoughts while at work and, to be honest, there's only a handful of them that talk about being pregnant NONSTOP!!!  My cousin, on the other hand, has not been an easy one to take.  We get together at my grandparent's house every Sunday after church for a family breakfast.  I'm not too sure why I still refer to it as my grandparents house because they've both passed away and it's just my aunt living there now, but I digress.  

A good portion of my family are redheads.  We're not sure exactly who's side it came from but we've got a bunch of gingers nonetheless.  The cousin in question married a ginger.  Several weeks ago, I walked into my grandfather's house to find my cousin wearing a homemade tee shirt that read "Brewing a red head."  Now, her and her husband are HUGE partiers and thought this was a cute way of announcing that she should be sober for the next nine months.  

Once I realized what the statement on her shirt actually meant, I hugged them and congratulated them and "walked back out to my car because I forgot my phone."  DH followed me out there, we both kinda teared up a bit as we hugged in the driveway, got ourselves together and walked back in.  I had knots in my stomach for the remainder of the day.  I just couldn't bring myself to be happy for her....like really, truly happy.  I still can't. 

I went over to their house with the "congratulations you're pregnant" gift that I give all my friends and explained my reaction to her.  I told her that I don't want her to feel like she can't talk about milestones in front of me and I don't want her to lose anything from this experience because she's trying to protect my feelings.  In all reality, she's pretty selfish and always has been so I'm pretty certain that hurting my feelings wouldn't be at the forefront of her mind anyway, but I wanted to at least explain myself and our situation in case my reaction to any future news about this pregnancy wasn't exactly bubbly.  She understood and even cried a little bit, which I think was more the hormones, to be honest.  

For some reason, seeing her yesterday was really tough for me.  I had logged on to Pinterest on Saturday evening and seen her baby board with all it's little onesies referencing beers or keg-stands or red solo cups.  It made me want to puke.  I opened up to DH after we left about my feelings and it started a bit of a tiff between us.  Too often, I think I'm the only one really hurting through this struggle of infertility.  At the same time, he doesn't really voice his emotions, but struggles with them nonetheless.  While I always stress that it's OUR struggle, not just his, I guess I only focus on my own emotions.  He made a comment yesterday (I can't remember it verbatim) that sounded to me like he thought I was over-reacting about all this since it was HIS problem and not mine.  That I could go out and get pregnant any day and that it was him that would never have kids.  I felt like I got kicked in the gut.  

This lead to a lot of tears and a LONG talk.  I made him understand that when I said "I Do", I meant I do accept him and promise to love him for all that he is and all that he's not.  We became a team that day and whatever happens to one of us happens to both of us.  He made me understand that he hurts too.  He's been struggling with this longer than I have (he was married before me) and he's older than I am so that's making it even harder on him.

I made a promise to him that I would try to realize that this was OUR struggle when dealing with our emotions and he promised to remember that this was OUR struggle when trying to bottle up his feelings.  We've been a team for almost 5 years now and everything we do from then on, we need to remember to do as a team.  Struggle, laugh, cry, rejoice, and praise....we do it all as a team. 

An Award....

An award????  I haven't gotten an award in years!!  A blogger friend who seems to be my infertility twin, Diane at Snowflakes in the Rain nominated me to receive this award.  Since I'm just now getting back into blogging, maybe this will help everyone to get to know me and not just my infertility struggles.  Thanks, Diane!

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers...the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow...

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

11 Things about me:

1) I'm currently in my senior semester of nursing school and when I graduate, I will be the 4th generation of nurses in my family.  I also have about a dozen other family members who are also nurses.  It makes me proud to be part of such an amazing legacy of strong women!

2) I have an arguably unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter.  I've read all the books....dozens of times! I often wonder what I would do with all those magical powers...Does Dumledore have a cure for infertility?

3) I'm constantly plugging away at building my family tree.  I've traced my father's side back to the 1600s in the Alsace region of France.  It's amazing to me to be able to connect with long lost cousins via e-mail and feel like you have a familial connection with someone you've never met.

4) In researching my family tree, I found that there's a town in British Columbia called Chase.  It's named after one of my ancestors.  Chase, BC was named after my great-grandfather's uncle, Whitfield Chase.  Visiting is on my bucket list!

5) I've spoken to John Travolta on the phone!  My father retired from the Baltimore City Fire Department and was shown in the movie, Ladder 49.  While on set one day, he had JT call me and my grandmother!

6) My husband and I call each other "Buddy" and I'm not really sure why.  It really confuses people in the grocery store.

7) My husband proposed to me on the beach of St. Croix, USVI....the island where my grandmother was born.  We go back every year and spend the afternoon with the lady who lives in the house where my great-grandparents lived when she was born. 

8) I have 3 amazing Godsons who I love like my own children.  Watching them grow up has been such a blessing!

9) I'm an only child, but I have some of the best cousins and girlfriends a girl could ask for.  They're like sisters to me!

10) I've walked on a glacier in Alaska and stepped feet from flowing lava in Hawaii.

11) My father is my hero and my mother is my best girl friend.

Diane's questions for me:

1. What is your favorite food?

Maryland Steamed Crabs...I know it sounds weird if you've never had them and if you've never had them, come to Charm City and I'll steam you some!

2. If you could travel anywhere, where would it be?

Ireland, Italy, France, Germany...Europe in general!  I would love to walk streets that had been their for centuries.  American architecture seems so old until you see buildings that are twice the age of structures here.

3. Do you know how to swim?

I can hold my own.  I'm not winning any competitions, but I won't drown.

4. Have you ever seen the ocean?

Two of them!  I can't imagine not living near the ocean.  My parents have a beach house in Ocean City, MD and the in-laws have one in Myrtle Beach, SC.  Salt cures everything-be it sweat, tears or the ocean.

5. What is your least favorite household chore?

Folding laundry!  I'll wash it and put it in the dryer but I hate to fold it!

6. Do you have any pets?

We have two furbaby Chihuahuas, Natty Boh and Colt 45

7. What is your favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving and Christmas...Although I love, love, love the lenten season

8. How many times have you moved?

4 times-Once as an infant, once into my own apartment, back home and then moved in with my hubby the final time

9. Have you ever wanted to change your given name?

I didn't really like my first name when I was growing up but I love it now.  I'm usually the only Paula wherever I go.  My middle name is Chase and I've always loved that!  In fact, it'll be one of our daughters names should we be blessed with them.

10. What month did you get married?

May

11. What kind of wedding did you have?

I guess it was big by some standards and small by others.  We had about 150 friends and family there and got married at a country club where I worked in my first couple years of college.  It rained like crazy that day which moved the ceremony inside, but the clouds cleared and the sun came out as soon as we said I do!

My questions for you:

1. Which family member are you closest to?

2. What's your dream job?  Are you doing it?

3. How did you meet your hubby?

4. What's the best vacation you've ever taken?

5. What's your favorite book?  (I'm asking this for selfish reasons...I need recommendations!)

6. What's your favorite memory from your childhood?

7. Are there any recipes that you specialize in?  (Again, selfish question!)

8. What's your favorite movie of all time?

9. What's the first thing you would buy if you won the mega millions?

10. What are the names of your first born boy and girl?  (or what do you plan to name them)

11. How did your hubby propose?

Since I don't follow too many people on blogger, I'm just going to nominate those that I follow that I don't think have been nominated.

Carli at To Get Me To You

Rachel at Two Slicks

Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled

Chelle at A Family by God's Design

Planning...

So we've obviously taken a pretty significant break from this whole baby making thing.  I started my senior semester of nursing school on Tuesday and my thoughts are already wandering to graduation and our plans to start a family after that.  There's no doubt that this is going to be a big year for us.  I'll graduate in May/June and we plan to start fertility treatments right after that.  I'll start the nursing internship at my hospital in July and, hopefully, we'll sell our house and building our new one will be well under way by the end of this calendar year.

DH and I have talked a lot about where we're going with treatments and how we're going to get there.  After two failed embryo adoptions last year that weren't covered by insurance, we're leaning towards IUI with donor sperm as that is covered by my new insurance company.  It's crazy to think that at the beginning of this journey, donor sperm was far out of the realm of possibility for us.  As it seems that God has closed the door to having a family through embryo adoption, those impossibilities start to seem doable.

I have so many apprehensions about this whole process and so many questions for both the doctor at our clinic and the cryobank where we'll be getting sperm.  Why didn't the FETs with donor embryo work?  We want a large family, but how many times is safe for me to go through all these treatments and medications?  How many children do they allow one sperm donor to father?  How are we going to explain this to our children?

I know I should be focusing on school right now, but I'd like to have a plan in place so that when it's go time...we're ready.  I've started tracking my cycles again and using OPKs so that I have some raw data to take to the doctor.  Since my insurance changed when I changed jobs in January of 2012, I've had to switch some doctors too...including my OB/GYN.  I scheduled an appointment with a practice that delivers at the hospital where I work and also a larger medical center in the area with a NICU.  I also went ahead and scheduled an appointment at our clinic to discuss our options and see if there's any additional testing they want done prior to moving forward.

I've started to peruse donors on the cryobank websites which really isn't all that different from trying to find embryos.  I just still have this feeling of guilt that if we are successful doing IUI with donor sperm, my husband will have mixed emotions.  He says that he won't, but I don't think you can really know something like that.  Nursing school has taught me that he and I can make it through anything so I have faith that we'll pull through this as well.

I have all intentions of keeping up with blogging again, but I guess we'll see how the semester plays out.  I'm sure I'll use my desire to document this journey as an excuse to procrastinate in school.  I swear, if I didn't have an impending deadline, I wouldn't get anything done!