Part of what had attracted us to EA in the first place was the fact that we would be giving life to some embies that otherwise would not have a chance. Well, we just got a call back from a clinic that kinda takes that aspect out of the equation. While we were talking, the guy from the clinic kept mentioning donor egg and donor sperm. I thought, perhaps, he was mistaken about our inquiry and when I corrected him and told him that we were interested in embryo adoption, he clarified and explained that they offer embryo adoption at the clinic but said embryos were created from donor egg and donor sperm.
Is it just me or does that kind of take away from one of the main principles that donor embryo recipients hold dear? It's not so much embryo adoption at that point as it is high tech family planning. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that some folks may want to select a sperm and egg donor that would give them the best chance of having children that fit the profile that they were looking for, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
Anyway, I told DH that I didn't think these were our babies and that we should keep praying that our first choice clinic comes through and has embies available for real adoption. This clinic was almost twice as expensive as others that I've called, although they do offer a money back guarantee if you're unsuccessful in 3 attempts. I'm trusting that the Lord wants us to pass this one up because He's got our baby waiting in the wings!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous...
For as long as I can remember, I've never been able to understand when people said that the Lord spoke to them or the Holy Spirit guided them. Sure I believe in the power of prayer and that all things happen because they are a part of God's design, but I had never experienced any sort of divine intervention that would lead me to believe that the Lord was speaking directly to little ol' me.
After we were baptized, I began to open my eyes and my heart to the ways that God is working in my life....in our lives. At least half a dozen times over the past two months a bible verse has been popping up EVERYWHERE! "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37) I found it highlighted in my great grandfathers bible that I've been reading. It was printed in a newspaper article about an infertile couple who had just received the miracle of adoption. My father in law said it when we were out to dinner one night and talking about our adoption plans. And the one that took the cake was when we went to the church where Bethany Christian Services held their orientation session, it was printed in ginormous letters on the back wall of the church!
I've been keeping this message close to my heart for a while and have come to realize that dropping that bible verse into my life here and there is His way of guiding me and letting me know that He's with me every step of the way. So now I'm wondering how long He's been pulling these sneaky little stunts and my heart just wasn't open enough to receive his presence. How many things in my life would have gone differently if I had been more aware that the Lord was with me?
I know, I know....I musn't dwell on the past. It just kind of makes you wonder. So after the meeting with Bethany Christian Services, DH and I had come home feeling kind of bummed. The whole process seemed like a lot of intrusion, a lot of expense, a lot of wait and still a chance that we're just setting ourself up for more heartache if the adoption fails. We just weren't sure if we were ready to put ourselves through any of the disappointments that would result in filling out that application for adoption.
I came home and immediately ran to the computer and went to the message boards on Babycenter.com. We had heard about embryo adoption, but I hadn't done a whole lot of research on it because we hadn't really considered it back when we were first diagnosed. Of course, the girls on babycenter never disappoint and they had a TON of information on their message board posts to start my research.
Now, I have a confession to make....I'm a blog stalker. If you're reading this, there's a good chance I've stalked your blog. Good news is, it gave me hope, inspiration, strength, information, etc., etc., etc. And for that I thank you! One blogger in particular had just had her FET done this past wednesday. The post from that day was the first one on her blog that I read on Thursday night. I came home after work on Friday and continued to read her entries. I quickly realized that this woman was going through the exact same situation that I was. Her hubby has Klinefelters but was spared all the physical manifestations. She's extremely devoted to God and open to follow his plan wherever that leads her. She reached out to her local office of Bethany Christian Services to persue infant adoption. The list goes on!
Needless to say, I was balling my eyes out reading her posts. I felt like God dropped this particular woman, with this particular blog, onto my PC to let me know that this was the way we were supposed to go. EA is the answer for us and the miracle we need to start our family. Sure, we still believe that all it would take is one touch of His hand and DH would start making spermies and we could get pregnant the old fashioned way, but while we're waiting for that miracle, the Lord is going to work through EA to provide for us now!
I guess my point is, for so many years I wondered why God wasn't "talking" to me or "guiding" me the way it seemed he was for so many others. I realize now (stupid, me!) that it wasn't God at all. He probably wasn't talking so much as screaming at me and I was just to wrapped up in the rest of my life to hear His voice. Since I've opened my heart to follow His path and dedicated more of my daily life to spending time with Him, I've come to realize that He's everywhere I turn and that realization has made this process exponentially easier!
So I've reached out to clinics all over the country and we have 2 consults set up in the first two weeks of February. I'm hoping the first one works out because it's closer to home and the staff that I've dealt with already were super super friendly! The second clinic isn't too far away but they have a bit of a wait for embies and I'd like to get this started ASAP. I told you in my last entry that the last time I was excited was right before the follow up appointment with the urologist when he told us the diagnosis. Well, I'm excited now and it feels good! I'm going to enjoy it for a while. I've had enought disappointment in the past several months to last me for a while so I'm gonna drink this up while I can!
After we were baptized, I began to open my eyes and my heart to the ways that God is working in my life....in our lives. At least half a dozen times over the past two months a bible verse has been popping up EVERYWHERE! "For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37) I found it highlighted in my great grandfathers bible that I've been reading. It was printed in a newspaper article about an infertile couple who had just received the miracle of adoption. My father in law said it when we were out to dinner one night and talking about our adoption plans. And the one that took the cake was when we went to the church where Bethany Christian Services held their orientation session, it was printed in ginormous letters on the back wall of the church!
I've been keeping this message close to my heart for a while and have come to realize that dropping that bible verse into my life here and there is His way of guiding me and letting me know that He's with me every step of the way. So now I'm wondering how long He's been pulling these sneaky little stunts and my heart just wasn't open enough to receive his presence. How many things in my life would have gone differently if I had been more aware that the Lord was with me?
I know, I know....I musn't dwell on the past. It just kind of makes you wonder. So after the meeting with Bethany Christian Services, DH and I had come home feeling kind of bummed. The whole process seemed like a lot of intrusion, a lot of expense, a lot of wait and still a chance that we're just setting ourself up for more heartache if the adoption fails. We just weren't sure if we were ready to put ourselves through any of the disappointments that would result in filling out that application for adoption.
I came home and immediately ran to the computer and went to the message boards on Babycenter.com. We had heard about embryo adoption, but I hadn't done a whole lot of research on it because we hadn't really considered it back when we were first diagnosed. Of course, the girls on babycenter never disappoint and they had a TON of information on their message board posts to start my research.
Now, I have a confession to make....I'm a blog stalker. If you're reading this, there's a good chance I've stalked your blog. Good news is, it gave me hope, inspiration, strength, information, etc., etc., etc. And for that I thank you! One blogger in particular had just had her FET done this past wednesday. The post from that day was the first one on her blog that I read on Thursday night. I came home after work on Friday and continued to read her entries. I quickly realized that this woman was going through the exact same situation that I was. Her hubby has Klinefelters but was spared all the physical manifestations. She's extremely devoted to God and open to follow his plan wherever that leads her. She reached out to her local office of Bethany Christian Services to persue infant adoption. The list goes on!
Needless to say, I was balling my eyes out reading her posts. I felt like God dropped this particular woman, with this particular blog, onto my PC to let me know that this was the way we were supposed to go. EA is the answer for us and the miracle we need to start our family. Sure, we still believe that all it would take is one touch of His hand and DH would start making spermies and we could get pregnant the old fashioned way, but while we're waiting for that miracle, the Lord is going to work through EA to provide for us now!
I guess my point is, for so many years I wondered why God wasn't "talking" to me or "guiding" me the way it seemed he was for so many others. I realize now (stupid, me!) that it wasn't God at all. He probably wasn't talking so much as screaming at me and I was just to wrapped up in the rest of my life to hear His voice. Since I've opened my heart to follow His path and dedicated more of my daily life to spending time with Him, I've come to realize that He's everywhere I turn and that realization has made this process exponentially easier!
So I've reached out to clinics all over the country and we have 2 consults set up in the first two weeks of February. I'm hoping the first one works out because it's closer to home and the staff that I've dealt with already were super super friendly! The second clinic isn't too far away but they have a bit of a wait for embies and I'd like to get this started ASAP. I told you in my last entry that the last time I was excited was right before the follow up appointment with the urologist when he told us the diagnosis. Well, I'm excited now and it feels good! I'm going to enjoy it for a while. I've had enought disappointment in the past several months to last me for a while so I'm gonna drink this up while I can!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I guess I should tell our story...
While I usually love to tell "Our Story" to whomever will listen, I will spare the details of our first meeting, courtship, engagement, wedding etc. So here's the Readers Digest version....We met in September 2003, started dating in December 2005, got engaged in March of 2007 and married in May of 2008. How's that for short and sweet?
As an only child, I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted a big family. While I was afforded countless opportunities growing up that I wouldn't have had if I had had siblings, I always longed for a live in companion and envied my friends that had siblings. The DH being one of two boys agreed with me and we'd talked about having at least four kids...maybe five. All boys and one girl at the end for good measure! Needless to say, I went off the pill right after the wedding and we stopped trying to prevent it but decided not to "try" until November.
If I knew then what I know now I would have bought stock in the company that makes the little cheapo pregnancy and ovulation predicting tests! I swear, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pee on a stick for one reason or another. That and temping every morning was making me a crazy person. Meanwhile, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant...some people even twice! For the longest time I was just this jealous, obsessed person because I just couldn't figure out why every other aspect of our lives was a fairytale but this.
When we finally hit that year and a half mark that they say you have to be "trying" for in order to begin fertility testing, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. She did blood work and ultrasounds and told me to have my DH go to his doctor and start getting tested as well. All of my tests came back fine. As it appeared there was nothing wrong with me. DH had blood work and a semen analysis done and we found out that his testosterone levels were low and he had ZERO sperm. Not a one! His primary care doctor referred us to a urologist and we scheduled an appointment.
The first visit with the urologist was eye opening for both of us. DH wanted me to go with him and it's kind of weird to be in the room while a man fondles your husbands bits! :) They did a testicular ultrasound right there in the office, took some blood and ordered a second SA from the fertility clinic in our area. People travel from all over the country to be treated at this clinic and the urologist assured us that if there was sperm in there...they would find it.
The urologist called to schedule the follow up appointment and I look back at how naive I was to think that they would just be able to give DH testosterone and that would jump start his sperm production and we'd be fine. That was the last time I was optimistic about anything in this journey. The urologist informed us that DH had a genetic disorder called Klinefelters. Instead of having an X and a Y sex chromosome, he has two Xs and a Y or XXY. The urologist was blown away by this diagnosis because usually it has more physical manifestations that DH didn't show at all. Men with Klinefelters can be tall and lanky (DH is tall, but not particularly lanky), rounder facial features, sparse facial hair, rounder hips and more developed breast tissue. They can also experience some learning difficulties growing up. Although he's 6'3" tall compared to the 5'8"-5'10" of the rest of the men in his family, DH didn't have any of these other physical features.
The urologist explained to us that there was a procedure that he could undergo to harvest sperm from DH, but that it was invasive and there was no guarantee that they would find anything and that he wouldn't pass this on to our children. He referred us to a genetic counselor and to a doctor at the fertility clinic that did the second SA. We cried in the parking lot that day.
The genetic counselor answered some questions for us and the doctor at the fertility clinic got us started on all the testing that we would need to use donor sperm to start our family. I had blood work, ultrasounds and an HSG done to determine that all my parts were in working order. We met with a social worker to determine that we were ready to handle having a child that wasn't biologically ours. We passed all this with flying colors and then DH told me that he wasn't comfortable with using donor sperm. I felt the life drain out of me for the next several months as the realization that I would never carry a child sunk in.
For some reason, mothers day wasn't as bad as fathers day last year. I actually broke down and started crying in church on fathers day when I thought about the fact that I would never make my daddy a grandfather. Being a daddy's girl, this broke my heart in a way that I can't begin to describe.
For the next couple months, I began to try to heal by occupying my time with school and taking on some new hobbies. The yearning never really went away but I was able to control my emotions a lot better and didn't run the risk of tears on a daily basis so much anymore. Through all of this, DH never opened up to anyone about how he was feeling. He didn't really have a best friend that he felt comfortable telling about our situation and wasn't really close to his brother either. I, on the other hand, have the most wonderfully supportive group of girlfriends ever and could count on any one of them to listen to me vent, cry, yell, etc.
During all of this DH and I finally settled down in a church and decided to make it our home. Prior to this we had been bouncing around and looking for a place that felt right to us. We kept coming back to the same place though. We decided to follow the Lords guidance and commit to serve him at this church. We were baptized on December 5th, 2010 and haven't looked back since. DH had grown up in non-denominational churches his whole life so this wasn't his first dunk! I, on the other hand, was raised Roman Catholic so this was a completely new experience for me, but one that forever changed me.
We started attending weekly bible study and Sunday school and spending time with the scripture and praying about where we are and where we want to be. During this time, DH decided to open up about our fertility struggles to a friend of the family who had a hand in bringing us back to Christ. When DH told him about our situation, he recommended Bethany Christian Services to us. His son had adopted a child through them and had a positive experience. We discussed it and thought that adoption might be a viable option for us and decided to get more information.
I contacted Bethany Christian Services in December of 2010 and signed up for there orientation session on January 20, 2o11. In the meantime, my father made some phone calls and found out that Catholic Charities does adoptions as well. We scheduled an appointment with them for April 2, 2011. Now that adoption was on the table, my father was on mission. He reached out to everyone he knew that could help us find an agency to go through or a baby that needed a home.
We went to the orientation meeting with Bethany last week and it was a complete information overload. I wondered if we were up for all of that. The home study alone scared the crap out of me and while DH and I are pretty awesome people, I don't know how we would stack up on paper compared to some of the other couples at this meeting. The social worker told us that Bethany only placed 10 babies in 2010. I think it's safe to assume that more than 10 babies were put up for adoption in our state last year so I left there determined to find the agency that all those other birth mothers used!
They told us that the average wait for an infant with their agency was two years and after she explained the laws regarding the birth parents changing their minds, we were unsure if this was the answer for us. It seemed like a lot of money to spend for a long wait and a very good chance of heartache. We weren't sure if there was any other way to start our family, but we were pretty sure that God wasn't leading us down this path.
So I feel like that gets us up to date on things and paints a pretty good picture of our journey through all of this, so far. Now, I'm new to blogging but I'm pretty sure that this has been an insanely long blog so if you're still with me, I appreciate it! There have been some positive developments in the past few days that I want to share, but I'll save that for the next entry in our story. It definitely does feel better to get this all out in one place and talk my way through it without expensive therapy!
As an only child, I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted a big family. While I was afforded countless opportunities growing up that I wouldn't have had if I had had siblings, I always longed for a live in companion and envied my friends that had siblings. The DH being one of two boys agreed with me and we'd talked about having at least four kids...maybe five. All boys and one girl at the end for good measure! Needless to say, I went off the pill right after the wedding and we stopped trying to prevent it but decided not to "try" until November.
If I knew then what I know now I would have bought stock in the company that makes the little cheapo pregnancy and ovulation predicting tests! I swear, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pee on a stick for one reason or another. That and temping every morning was making me a crazy person. Meanwhile, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant...some people even twice! For the longest time I was just this jealous, obsessed person because I just couldn't figure out why every other aspect of our lives was a fairytale but this.
When we finally hit that year and a half mark that they say you have to be "trying" for in order to begin fertility testing, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. She did blood work and ultrasounds and told me to have my DH go to his doctor and start getting tested as well. All of my tests came back fine. As it appeared there was nothing wrong with me. DH had blood work and a semen analysis done and we found out that his testosterone levels were low and he had ZERO sperm. Not a one! His primary care doctor referred us to a urologist and we scheduled an appointment.
The first visit with the urologist was eye opening for both of us. DH wanted me to go with him and it's kind of weird to be in the room while a man fondles your husbands bits! :) They did a testicular ultrasound right there in the office, took some blood and ordered a second SA from the fertility clinic in our area. People travel from all over the country to be treated at this clinic and the urologist assured us that if there was sperm in there...they would find it.
The urologist called to schedule the follow up appointment and I look back at how naive I was to think that they would just be able to give DH testosterone and that would jump start his sperm production and we'd be fine. That was the last time I was optimistic about anything in this journey. The urologist informed us that DH had a genetic disorder called Klinefelters. Instead of having an X and a Y sex chromosome, he has two Xs and a Y or XXY. The urologist was blown away by this diagnosis because usually it has more physical manifestations that DH didn't show at all. Men with Klinefelters can be tall and lanky (DH is tall, but not particularly lanky), rounder facial features, sparse facial hair, rounder hips and more developed breast tissue. They can also experience some learning difficulties growing up. Although he's 6'3" tall compared to the 5'8"-5'10" of the rest of the men in his family, DH didn't have any of these other physical features.
The urologist explained to us that there was a procedure that he could undergo to harvest sperm from DH, but that it was invasive and there was no guarantee that they would find anything and that he wouldn't pass this on to our children. He referred us to a genetic counselor and to a doctor at the fertility clinic that did the second SA. We cried in the parking lot that day.
The genetic counselor answered some questions for us and the doctor at the fertility clinic got us started on all the testing that we would need to use donor sperm to start our family. I had blood work, ultrasounds and an HSG done to determine that all my parts were in working order. We met with a social worker to determine that we were ready to handle having a child that wasn't biologically ours. We passed all this with flying colors and then DH told me that he wasn't comfortable with using donor sperm. I felt the life drain out of me for the next several months as the realization that I would never carry a child sunk in.
For some reason, mothers day wasn't as bad as fathers day last year. I actually broke down and started crying in church on fathers day when I thought about the fact that I would never make my daddy a grandfather. Being a daddy's girl, this broke my heart in a way that I can't begin to describe.
For the next couple months, I began to try to heal by occupying my time with school and taking on some new hobbies. The yearning never really went away but I was able to control my emotions a lot better and didn't run the risk of tears on a daily basis so much anymore. Through all of this, DH never opened up to anyone about how he was feeling. He didn't really have a best friend that he felt comfortable telling about our situation and wasn't really close to his brother either. I, on the other hand, have the most wonderfully supportive group of girlfriends ever and could count on any one of them to listen to me vent, cry, yell, etc.
During all of this DH and I finally settled down in a church and decided to make it our home. Prior to this we had been bouncing around and looking for a place that felt right to us. We kept coming back to the same place though. We decided to follow the Lords guidance and commit to serve him at this church. We were baptized on December 5th, 2010 and haven't looked back since. DH had grown up in non-denominational churches his whole life so this wasn't his first dunk! I, on the other hand, was raised Roman Catholic so this was a completely new experience for me, but one that forever changed me.
We started attending weekly bible study and Sunday school and spending time with the scripture and praying about where we are and where we want to be. During this time, DH decided to open up about our fertility struggles to a friend of the family who had a hand in bringing us back to Christ. When DH told him about our situation, he recommended Bethany Christian Services to us. His son had adopted a child through them and had a positive experience. We discussed it and thought that adoption might be a viable option for us and decided to get more information.
I contacted Bethany Christian Services in December of 2010 and signed up for there orientation session on January 20, 2o11. In the meantime, my father made some phone calls and found out that Catholic Charities does adoptions as well. We scheduled an appointment with them for April 2, 2011. Now that adoption was on the table, my father was on mission. He reached out to everyone he knew that could help us find an agency to go through or a baby that needed a home.
We went to the orientation meeting with Bethany last week and it was a complete information overload. I wondered if we were up for all of that. The home study alone scared the crap out of me and while DH and I are pretty awesome people, I don't know how we would stack up on paper compared to some of the other couples at this meeting. The social worker told us that Bethany only placed 10 babies in 2010. I think it's safe to assume that more than 10 babies were put up for adoption in our state last year so I left there determined to find the agency that all those other birth mothers used!
They told us that the average wait for an infant with their agency was two years and after she explained the laws regarding the birth parents changing their minds, we were unsure if this was the answer for us. It seemed like a lot of money to spend for a long wait and a very good chance of heartache. We weren't sure if there was any other way to start our family, but we were pretty sure that God wasn't leading us down this path.
So I feel like that gets us up to date on things and paints a pretty good picture of our journey through all of this, so far. Now, I'm new to blogging but I'm pretty sure that this has been an insanely long blog so if you're still with me, I appreciate it! There have been some positive developments in the past few days that I want to share, but I'll save that for the next entry in our story. It definitely does feel better to get this all out in one place and talk my way through it without expensive therapy!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Well, we see how well that worked...
So I wrote back in July that I would keep up with this blogging thing and we see how well I did with that! As soon as I wrote that first post, I questioned how my husband would feel about me airing our business on the Internet. As I've been blindly feeling my way through the challenges of the past couple months, I've realized that no one needs to know who we are and this is therapeutic for me. And Lord knows, I need all the help I can get!
So I've decided to keep up with this, or at least try, because things are about to get pretty exciting for us soon! At least I'm praying for some excitement! I feel like this will be a good way to tell our story so that, hopefully, we can help other couples going through the same or similar situations. I've found so much strength and inspiration in the blogs about infertility that I've followed and I'm hoping that mine will offer some inspiration to someone else and if not, at least some information.
So this is the first day of the new blog...I swear! I'll need a place to keep my thoughts and feelings straight and preserve our fairytale for posterity! This is the place!
So I've decided to keep up with this, or at least try, because things are about to get pretty exciting for us soon! At least I'm praying for some excitement! I feel like this will be a good way to tell our story so that, hopefully, we can help other couples going through the same or similar situations. I've found so much strength and inspiration in the blogs about infertility that I've followed and I'm hoping that mine will offer some inspiration to someone else and if not, at least some information.
So this is the first day of the new blog...I swear! I'll need a place to keep my thoughts and feelings straight and preserve our fairytale for posterity! This is the place!
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